How to love even though you are in pain
- Thread starter depressedmoonlight
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Are you saying (that) he too, is suffering from a mental illness?
If so, "Yes!" Any-thing is possible. I do think it changes the calculus (sp?) some - or degree of difficutly. But that said, it can also work in your favor as you have someone (which you normally might not) who is more understanding --& therefore, perhaps willing to accept your "pain."
So, in my opinion, it's (more or mostly) about how the two of you "mesh," or as they say 'Marry up to one another,' personally! The chemistry, so to speak, in other words. The M. I.'s (mental illnesses), if applicable, are just one part/factor/or chunk to consider. No doubt one of significane. But it's really all about how the total package comes to-gether.
Obviously, if you're both at ground zero or rock bottom & constantly or continuously bringine one another down. Then that is not a great thing... So sometimes, then, it just depends~ ; ) This is all coming from someone who has never been in an 'official,' relationship before - so, just take that into account (as well)!
Apologies if I misunderstood what you were saying, or asking?
If so, "Yes!" Any-thing is possible. I do think it changes the calculus (sp?) some - or degree of difficutly. But that said, it can also work in your favor as you have someone (which you normally might not) who is more understanding --& therefore, perhaps willing to accept your "pain."
So, in my opinion, it's (more or mostly) about how the two of you "mesh," or as they say 'Marry up to one another,' personally! The chemistry, so to speak, in other words. The M. I.'s (mental illnesses), if applicable, are just one part/factor/or chunk to consider. No doubt one of significane. But it's really all about how the total package comes to-gether.
Obviously, if you're both at ground zero or rock bottom & constantly or continuously bringine one another down. Then that is not a great thing... So sometimes, then, it just depends~ ; ) This is all coming from someone who has never been in an 'official,' relationship before - so, just take that into account (as well)!
Apologies if I misunderstood what you were saying, or asking?
I was sitting down at infusion the other day... listening to this older gentleman discuss with a younger nurse, his thoughts on their relationship (with her significant other; which at this point, or time, had apparently "gotten serious!"). . . And so He eventually just says - in an ever Wisdom evoking/or sounding sort of way, "You've got to both see each other at your worst, and your best!" (before you can decide -- if you want to be together / or would be a good fit, something like that. And he meant: "equally," or that... You have to see him (at his best & worst) AND Vice versa! Lovely- (^: Will. get- right, On~THAT! j/k
Lovely- (^: Will. get- right, On~THAT! j/k
Are you saying (that) he too, is suffering from a mental illness?
If so, "Yes!" Any-thing is possible. I do think it changes the calculus (sp?) some - or degree of difficutly. But that said, it can also work in your favor as you have someone (which you normally might not) who is more understanding --& therefore, perhaps willing to accept your "pain."
So, in my opinion, it's (more or mostly) about how the two of you "mesh," or as they say 'Marry up to one another,' personally! The chemistry, so to speak, in other words. The M. I.'s (mental illnesses), if applicable, are just one part/factor/or chunk to consider. No doubt one of significane. But it's really all about how the total package comes to-gether.
Obviously, if you're both at ground zero or rock bottom & constantly or continuously bringine one another down. Then that is not a great thing... So sometimes, then, it just depends~ ; ) This is all coming from someone who has never been in an 'official,' relationship before - so, just take that into account (as well)!
Apologies if I misunderstood what you were saying, or asking?
If so, "Yes!" Any-thing is possible. I do think it changes the calculus (sp?) some - or degree of difficutly. But that said, it can also work in your favor as you have someone (which you normally might not) who is more understanding --& therefore, perhaps willing to accept your "pain."
So, in my opinion, it's (more or mostly) about how the two of you "mesh," or as they say 'Marry up to one another,' personally! The chemistry, so to speak, in other words. The M. I.'s (mental illnesses), if applicable, are just one part/factor/or chunk to consider. No doubt one of significane. But it's really all about how the total package comes to-gether.
Obviously, if you're both at ground zero or rock bottom & constantly or continuously bringine one another down. Then that is not a great thing... So sometimes, then, it just depends~ ; ) This is all coming from someone who has never been in an 'official,' relationship before - so, just take that into account (as well)!
Apologies if I misunderstood what you were saying, or asking?
Will help me a lot
I'm a terrible romantic, and I'm known to act with my heart instead of my brain so you might want to take anything I say with a grain of salt. Love is the only thing that keeps me going. If you like this person and he likes you too, you should enjoy your time together. Every relationship is different, but I have found that yes, you can love through pain, and sometimes it will even ease that pain for you.
Pretty much everyone is capable of feeling love if they want it, I don't think that depends on your mental health or amount of pain. But it is a fact that a few things will generally make it incredibly EASIER to find someone you connect with, as well as to maintain the relationship in a healthy way :
(1) Wanting to move forward and working towards that better place, potentially with that person, but it has to be for yourself first.
(2) A healthy balance between "relying on someone" for help when you're in pain and independency (I mean emotional independency if the pain is mental, but all the others too, I guess).
(3) Not being selfish with your pain and forgetting about the other person's feelings. Compassion for all, right?
(4) Taking care of yourself, having self-compassion. This is non-negotiable. :p
(5) Open and honest communication about the cause of your pain and what can be done about it, both by your partner and by yourself.
But don't let your thoughts/beliefs caused by your pain stop you from a potentially positive experience. I think it's the other person's decision (and right) to leave if they can't handle your pain for some reason, not yours.
Just a bit of advice on the top of my mind... I just drank lots of coffee and am on a roll to write some essays. It may all be debatable.
(1) Wanting to move forward and working towards that better place, potentially with that person, but it has to be for yourself first.
(2) A healthy balance between "relying on someone" for help when you're in pain and independency (I mean emotional independency if the pain is mental, but all the others too, I guess).
(3) Not being selfish with your pain and forgetting about the other person's feelings. Compassion for all, right?
(4) Taking care of yourself, having self-compassion. This is non-negotiable. :p
(5) Open and honest communication about the cause of your pain and what can be done about it, both by your partner and by yourself.
But don't let your thoughts/beliefs caused by your pain stop you from a potentially positive experience. I think it's the other person's decision (and right) to leave if they can't handle your pain for some reason, not yours.
Just a bit of advice on the top of my mind... I just drank lots of coffee and am on a roll to write some essays. It may all be debatable.
Pretty much everyone is capable of feeling love if they want it, I don't think that depends on your mental health or amount of pain. But it is a fact that a few things will generally make it incredibly EASIER to find someone you connect with, as well as to maintain the relationship in a healthy way :
(1) Wanting to move forward and working towards that better place, potentially with that person, but it has to be for yourself first.
(2) A healthy balance between "relying on someone" for help when you're in pain and independency (I mean emotional independency if the pain is mental, but all the others too, I guess).
(3) Not being selfish with your pain and forgetting about the other person's feelings. Compassion for all, right?
(4) Taking care of yourself, having self-compassion. This is non-negotiable. :p
(5) Open and honest communication about the cause of your pain and what can be done about it, both by your partner and by yourself.
But don't let your thoughts/beliefs caused by your pain stop you from a potentially positive experience. I think it's the other person's decision (and right) to leave if they can't handle your pain for some reason, not yours.
Just a bit of advice on the top of my mind... I just drank lots of coffee and am on a roll to write some essays. It may all be debatable.
(1) Wanting to move forward and working towards that better place, potentially with that person, but it has to be for yourself first.
(2) A healthy balance between "relying on someone" for help when you're in pain and independency (I mean emotional independency if the pain is mental, but all the others too, I guess).
(3) Not being selfish with your pain and forgetting about the other person's feelings. Compassion for all, right?
(4) Taking care of yourself, having self-compassion. This is non-negotiable. :p
(5) Open and honest communication about the cause of your pain and what can be done about it, both by your partner and by yourself.
But don't let your thoughts/beliefs caused by your pain stop you from a potentially positive experience. I think it's the other person's decision (and right) to leave if they can't handle your pain for some reason, not yours.
Just a bit of advice on the top of my mind... I just drank lots of coffee and am on a roll to write some essays. It may all be debatable.
Thank you so much for your response. Wow. I think these are actually really important rules to put in place and I defiently will use them. I'm really attached to this boy but he has a lot of issues because his dad is suffering from cancer. He pretends like he doesn't care and he genuily doesn't seem to care about a lot of things. This is why I wonder I don't want to add pain to his live. I just want to make me him happy.
Thank you for answering, really helped me think
-depressedmoonlight
That's a pretty common way of thinking of people with depression and, well, I also felt the same way all too much in the past.. I left my friends because I felt like a burden, like they didn't need more negativity in their lives. I don't believe in that anymore. I am INCREDIBLY grateful to have people in my life who give a sh*t (pardon my language), even if that unhealthy thought still pops to my mind on occasion because I'm not "cured" yet.
I think that first of all, what the other person says matters. If they say they want you in their life and that you make them happier, it should trump your own insecurities and wish to "unburden" them. When we're in such pain, our thoughts actually don't make much sense, they don't reflect reality anymore, and they push you towards isolation more and more, which only makes everyone involved less happy. I think it's important to listen and to consider other people's opinions, at least those who have your wellbeing in mind (that is, not toxic, manipulative or abusive people).
It's also about respecting their judgment and their wishes - people don't like it when you think you know better than them what's in their best interest. People also generally like to help, to feel needed and trusted enough that you shared about your pain with them. All this while respecting those "rules" I came up with above of course, it has to be balanced and "equal" in the long run, because both people in the relationship matter equally and deserve the same compassion.
When you say you just want to make them happy, if it's genuine (which I think it is), that's more than lots of people in relationships/friendships. Making others happy does make one happy too, it's a benefit to everyone. You could be each others' strengths in difficult times if it's all healthy and full of compassion.
(Damn that coffee is efficient.)
I think that first of all, what the other person says matters. If they say they want you in their life and that you make them happier, it should trump your own insecurities and wish to "unburden" them. When we're in such pain, our thoughts actually don't make much sense, they don't reflect reality anymore, and they push you towards isolation more and more, which only makes everyone involved less happy. I think it's important to listen and to consider other people's opinions, at least those who have your wellbeing in mind (that is, not toxic, manipulative or abusive people).
It's also about respecting their judgment and their wishes - people don't like it when you think you know better than them what's in their best interest. People also generally like to help, to feel needed and trusted enough that you shared about your pain with them. All this while respecting those "rules" I came up with above of course, it has to be balanced and "equal" in the long run, because both people in the relationship matter equally and deserve the same compassion.
When you say you just want to make them happy, if it's genuine (which I think it is), that's more than lots of people in relationships/friendships. Making others happy does make one happy too, it's a benefit to everyone. You could be each others' strengths in difficult times if it's all healthy and full of compassion.
(Damn that coffee is efficient.)
OMG I need some of that coffee,
Thank you so much, it feels so good to be able to have someone give such clear feedback and help. I think seeing him happy also makes me happy. The "rules" you came up defiently work and I will apply them to make this future relationship (at least i hope) work out. You are right I shoudln't feel like a burden. I mostly I'm scared because I have had people go away from me because of my pain. I'm just scared that It would be overwhelming for him.
Thank you again, means a lot
Thank you so much, it feels so good to be able to have someone give such clear feedback and help. I think seeing him happy also makes me happy. The "rules" you came up defiently work and I will apply them to make this future relationship (at least i hope) work out. You are right I shoudln't feel like a burden. I mostly I'm scared because I have had people go away from me because of my pain. I'm just scared that It would be overwhelming for him.
Thank you again, means a lot
I have been in love exactly once in my life, and funnily enough it was during my worst period of clinical depression. I think my depression almost made it easier to love her, when I stopped holding back she was a light, the only time I could feel good was when I spent time with her, the only time I could feel motivated was doing something for her, of course it was unrequited love so it quickly turned horrible, longing sadness etc, but if it is reciprical, I dont see why being in pain would stop you loving someone, I found that Love cut through the pain
