I'm not sure where to post this. I'm not even sure if I have depression, I just know that I feel really depressed right this moment. Really long story short, I had a traumatic childhood but I live a safe and happy life now, mainly when I'm not thinking about my childhood. But then something ends up reminding me of my childhood and all of the sudden I'm extremely miserable, depressed, remembering thoughts of suicide. And so I eventually distract myself, get so caught up in school or work that I don't have to think about that. And I get happy again. until the next time someone or something reminds of my childhood. There was a time I decided that I should move past my childhood so that I could one day be reminded of my childhood without getting depressed about it. So for all of 2012 (from January to December) I saw a therapist. But, I never once talked about what I really wanted to talk about it. It's always been too hard to say it out loud. I am used to never showing anyone that I have vulnerable emotions. Before each therapy session, I would have a list of things I wanted to share and talk about. After each therapy session I would get mad at myself for not saying a single thing on my list. Finally in the end of December, I just quit going. And I was seemingly fine again. I got good at distracting myself and blocking emotions from my childhood before they even came up. But, someone pointed out to me that I don't seem completely okay. I don't like touching people, I don't like physical affection. I can't say the words "I love you" to family or anyone. I often can't say a deep, sincere "thank you" or apology. Those emotions are just too intense for me that I run away from them. I like being very casual and not letting anyone get too close. I knew all this was true. It became clear to me that I still needed to get over my childhood emotions if I wanted to better myself as a person. If I ever wanted to date someone or have a family, I would need to let people get close to me. So I just recently started seeing another counselor. I already like her better than my previous one. But I find myself in the same situation again. Throughout the week I generate a lost of things I want to tell her or talk about, but when I get there, it feels too intense to be that open, so I talk about the weather the whole time. I really, really want to share, but I can't get the words out. I just feel myself getting physically tenser and putting up more walls to stop myself from talking. Does anyone have any advice? I find that anonymously online I can write out my my deepest feelings. And I have thought about an online counselor instead, but I also really don't want to change counselors again. I've thought about writing something out and giving it to my counselor to read. But I don't think I could just sit there, in intense anxiety while the counselor is reading something about the most vulnerable part of me. I've thought about emailing her something ahead of time, so she reads it before I get there. But actually write a lot. I started writing something that I wanted her to read, and it quickly turned into 12 pages, and I just don't want to make her have to read all that. I also struggle with lots of feelings of guilt. I feel so guilty that I'm wasting my counselor's time. And she keeps reassuring me that it's her job to give me her time. But I still just feel like other clients would be a better use of her time than me. Half of me wants to make progress, but the other half of me is fighting against it just as hard. And I need some skills. I need to find a way to break this down into smaller steps I can handle.