Howdy. Pretty unexpectedly, I've been offered a spot at this clinic focused on psychotherapy, the young adults ward specifically, for next Wednesday. I was told usual wait times were about half a year. All things considered, I'm incredibly lucky to be getting a spot for treatment this quickly, and the clinic is pretty nice too - it's all these houses in a park area, they even have a lake with a bunch of geese. It's rather pretty from the outside, the buildings are partially very oldfashioned and cool. And when I went for my initial intake interview last week, people were very nice. It wasn't as frightening as other places I've been to. The reviews are pretty good too, considering.
Still, now that I get to thinking, I'm starting to get scared again. The thing I want to do most is drop all communications with any sort of professional and just... rot away I guess? But I can't do that. After a recent loss in the family due to a suicide, I know full well that I can't kick my loved ones while they're down. Death is not an option. I need to do this. I need to get better. And this could be a good shot.
I've only had bad experiences with inpatient before. For about three years, I've been dodging it like the plague while pretty clearly needing it. Or at least people would tell me I need it. The first time I went inpatient was at 14 and I didn't feel seen or heard at all, hell, the psychologist I saw there had such a bad accent I could barely even understand him. Some of the staff yelled at us patients. I stopped talking. Would be shaking and near crying when I so much as have to pass the door of the nurses' station to get a towel to shower (which we had to daily or we'd get interrogated during evening round). My stay ended when I did something on the ward I shouldn't have because I wanted to die than stay there when nothing seemed to help and I felt scared and unsafe 24/7. 12 hours of isolation later, my mom picked me up, stopped at McDonald's- no one had saw fit to give me any food the whole day.
At the start of the month, I let my counselor take me down to the local psychiatric clinic because I'd been planning on killing myself, had all the materials, and told on myself because I couldn't go through with it. Ptolomea by Ethel Cain saved my life because I listened to it the night I was supposed to die and got so scared in the dark that I couldn't move and the moment for death passed me by. So I got send to the "protected" ward, mostly sat around. It was awful. It smelled like giving up, like a zoo. I was dismissed because, surprise surprise, someone with selective mutism wasn't exactly able to talk. I told them I wanted to go home, again and again, until I finally demanded it and they had to because there was no judge's order.
TLDR: so far, inpatient has been no good for me.
And now I'm willingly entering the lion's den for a third time. The usual treatment length would mean I'd stay almost up to my birthday in November. I'd miss the start of the semester. I have no idea how my studies would go. I'd be away from family and my cats a long time, because the clinic is near where I study, so about 3 hours by train away from home, and I wouldn't be able to visit regularly probably.
Mostly I want to run away, become some kind of tramp, farmhand, shepherd, late night gas station employee. Disappear. But this feels like my only shot at getting back on my feet without abandoning everything. Does someone have any advice how to make myself a little better about all this? And how to make my stay a good, productive one? I don't want to get so overwhelmed again that I reject treatment. (this kind of feels like taking a very reluctant caat to the vet except I'm the owner and the cat in one)
Still, now that I get to thinking, I'm starting to get scared again. The thing I want to do most is drop all communications with any sort of professional and just... rot away I guess? But I can't do that. After a recent loss in the family due to a suicide, I know full well that I can't kick my loved ones while they're down. Death is not an option. I need to do this. I need to get better. And this could be a good shot.
I've only had bad experiences with inpatient before. For about three years, I've been dodging it like the plague while pretty clearly needing it. Or at least people would tell me I need it. The first time I went inpatient was at 14 and I didn't feel seen or heard at all, hell, the psychologist I saw there had such a bad accent I could barely even understand him. Some of the staff yelled at us patients. I stopped talking. Would be shaking and near crying when I so much as have to pass the door of the nurses' station to get a towel to shower (which we had to daily or we'd get interrogated during evening round). My stay ended when I did something on the ward I shouldn't have because I wanted to die than stay there when nothing seemed to help and I felt scared and unsafe 24/7. 12 hours of isolation later, my mom picked me up, stopped at McDonald's- no one had saw fit to give me any food the whole day.
At the start of the month, I let my counselor take me down to the local psychiatric clinic because I'd been planning on killing myself, had all the materials, and told on myself because I couldn't go through with it. Ptolomea by Ethel Cain saved my life because I listened to it the night I was supposed to die and got so scared in the dark that I couldn't move and the moment for death passed me by. So I got send to the "protected" ward, mostly sat around. It was awful. It smelled like giving up, like a zoo. I was dismissed because, surprise surprise, someone with selective mutism wasn't exactly able to talk. I told them I wanted to go home, again and again, until I finally demanded it and they had to because there was no judge's order.
TLDR: so far, inpatient has been no good for me.
And now I'm willingly entering the lion's den for a third time. The usual treatment length would mean I'd stay almost up to my birthday in November. I'd miss the start of the semester. I have no idea how my studies would go. I'd be away from family and my cats a long time, because the clinic is near where I study, so about 3 hours by train away from home, and I wouldn't be able to visit regularly probably.
Mostly I want to run away, become some kind of tramp, farmhand, shepherd, late night gas station employee. Disappear. But this feels like my only shot at getting back on my feet without abandoning everything. Does someone have any advice how to make myself a little better about all this? And how to make my stay a good, productive one? I don't want to get so overwhelmed again that I reject treatment. (this kind of feels like taking a very reluctant caat to the vet except I'm the owner and the cat in one)
