I have restarted this post over and over. Like so many things, if I can just get the start right, the rest should follow, but getting your starting point right can be ridiculously difficult. Luckily, my idle complaining ties perfectly into this post.
I can be rather methodical and straightforward in my approach to things, so at around 18 years old I decided I was mature enough to handle a real relationship and started looking for a serious girlfriend. This was also about the time I stopped having any luck in this area. I tried analysing the problem and finding new ways to look, or new places to look, or new approaches, but no matter what I did I remained alone. The most common advice I was given was also the most infuriating: to stop looking. But how am I supposed to FIND someone if I stop looking? If I stop reaching out? Nothing happens for free, and no one just gets given their greatest wish, everything takes effort or bravery.
Now, 13 years after that, I finally understand their advice and I am as frustrated at myself for not getting it as I am at them for not explaining. If you are looking for a friend, or a girlfriend or a mentor or anything like that, you have to stop, because these things don’t exist.
People aren’t cookie-cutter pre-mades ready to fit your needs and expectations, and they can tell when you are trying to make them so. That’s why lonely people have such trouble, they hang onto everyone around them hoping to find a “friend” or a “girlfriend” or a “companion” or anything, but the people they cling to are none of these. They are people, more diverse and complex and unique than the simplistic ideas you are trying to force them to fulfill. They don’t want to be just “friend A”, they want to be them, and they want you to like them for them, not just for what they can be for you.
And on the flip-side of that, these unique individuals will never perfectly fit the pre-made idea you have in your head and will rebel against your attempts to make them fit, until either you leave due to frustration, or more likely, they leave because you don’t see them for who they are.
If you go into anything, a friendship, a relationship, a holiday, a home, a clothes shop (and yes this last one causes me endless grief) with a pre-made idea of what you are looking for, you will never find it. You will be frustrated by everything failing your standards, and you will miss the beauty and merit of what is before you. If you go into it with an open mind, without expectations, and just accept what you find, you will usually find something worth the effort.
Expectations are the enemy of happiness. Stop expecting anything of anyone and spend your time finding out what’s really there, and if you don’t like what you find, you can leave, but at least if you do like what you find you won’t dismiss it because it didn’t fulfill what you were looking for. Go into every situation with the right beginning, understanding that everything is unique, and expectations are meant to be abandoned, and you will be more successful and happier as a result.
A "People Watching" Thread by Dante, and mercifully proof-read by Auri.
For more like this, visit https://www.suicideforum.com/community/threads/people-watching.168702/
I can be rather methodical and straightforward in my approach to things, so at around 18 years old I decided I was mature enough to handle a real relationship and started looking for a serious girlfriend. This was also about the time I stopped having any luck in this area. I tried analysing the problem and finding new ways to look, or new places to look, or new approaches, but no matter what I did I remained alone. The most common advice I was given was also the most infuriating: to stop looking. But how am I supposed to FIND someone if I stop looking? If I stop reaching out? Nothing happens for free, and no one just gets given their greatest wish, everything takes effort or bravery.
Now, 13 years after that, I finally understand their advice and I am as frustrated at myself for not getting it as I am at them for not explaining. If you are looking for a friend, or a girlfriend or a mentor or anything like that, you have to stop, because these things don’t exist.
People aren’t cookie-cutter pre-mades ready to fit your needs and expectations, and they can tell when you are trying to make them so. That’s why lonely people have such trouble, they hang onto everyone around them hoping to find a “friend” or a “girlfriend” or a “companion” or anything, but the people they cling to are none of these. They are people, more diverse and complex and unique than the simplistic ideas you are trying to force them to fulfill. They don’t want to be just “friend A”, they want to be them, and they want you to like them for them, not just for what they can be for you.
And on the flip-side of that, these unique individuals will never perfectly fit the pre-made idea you have in your head and will rebel against your attempts to make them fit, until either you leave due to frustration, or more likely, they leave because you don’t see them for who they are.
If you go into anything, a friendship, a relationship, a holiday, a home, a clothes shop (and yes this last one causes me endless grief) with a pre-made idea of what you are looking for, you will never find it. You will be frustrated by everything failing your standards, and you will miss the beauty and merit of what is before you. If you go into it with an open mind, without expectations, and just accept what you find, you will usually find something worth the effort.
Expectations are the enemy of happiness. Stop expecting anything of anyone and spend your time finding out what’s really there, and if you don’t like what you find, you can leave, but at least if you do like what you find you won’t dismiss it because it didn’t fulfill what you were looking for. Go into every situation with the right beginning, understanding that everything is unique, and expectations are meant to be abandoned, and you will be more successful and happier as a result.
A "People Watching" Thread by Dante, and mercifully proof-read by Auri.
For more like this, visit https://www.suicideforum.com/community/threads/people-watching.168702/
xx