Human being's inherent worth

[2stepsback]

You want your friends to value you, yet they don't sound like nice people to me if they are picking on people. You're better than them. I know what it's like to want to be liked and accepted by other people, but you're better off waiting for the right people to come along.

They aren't great but that's my own opinion and my own biased perspective, I guess they're just like every other adolescent at this stage, they aren't going to be friendly. But we're all going off to college soon so I guess this kind of behavior persists into adulthood. I wouldn't know. I hope the right people do come into my life somehow but I'm the one who is going to have to find them. I hope I have the willpower to do so. It feels like everybody is so insulated now, like they're all in their own bubble. There's a chance I could be alone past college and well into adulthood. I hope I will have made peace with it by then. I don't think solitude is a bad thing, necessarily.

It's not helpful to compare yourself to other people. I play the piano and I'm not that great, but I'm a lot better than I was 10 years ago. Progress was slow, so many years of 'I'm rubbish at this', 'I'm not getting any better', and now I am. I think you can also work at being 'in a better place'. I set myself a challenge of going for walks and not thinking about anything, and again after years of being rubbish at it and not getting anywhere I think this has also paid off.

Another reason comparisons are bad is that we see people in jobs and relationships and assume that they're happy, when often they're not. When I went to University I had no friends and assumed I was the only unhappy lonely student. There were quite a few of us but it took us so long to make those friendships (everyone else had friends within the first week and we became friends after a year plus) What other people can do so quickly and effortlessly seems to be a long hard slog for me, but that can be a good thing, as I think I had better more meaningful friendships at Uni than a lot of my peers did.

I'm glad you were able to pick up the piano and steadily improve yourself! Music is like anything else, a sport or something, something where your skills will improve over time. I'm not sure if I was meant for any of those things.

You're right, comparing yourself to other people isn't a good thing, it's actually something my teacher brought up both in the lesson I discussed in my original post and earlier in the year. Everybody does have their own woes, their pains, but the successes they post on the Internet and tell to their other friends, the kinds of things they brag about, are very real, and though I know better to compare myself to other people, I can't help but do it anyway. They really do feel like they are farther ahead of me in life. Life feels like some kind of rat race, some competition, to be at the top, in order to maximize your own happiness and I think that's what compels people to post things like that online or to tell other people, etc. There aren't forces conspiring against me to prevent me from achieving their lifestyles, only myself, and yet I don't want to commit and do any of it because that isn't what I want. What do I want? I don't know.

 

[Enjoythesilence]

My parents don't have to go along but who is going to take me? This is why I'm waiting to get a license and a car of my own and maybe an income source. I'm just really lost right now. I don't know what to do. I'm sorry I can't be of much help with my answers and I'm sorry if my responses come off as though I am pining for other people's pity, maybe I am, but that isn't really my intention.

I was thinking you could request an appointment for another reason and your parents could take you, unless they insist on being with you when seeing the doctor. This is lying, of course, and I don't know how you feel about that. I'm sorry if I'm making the situation more stressful for you. I understand if you feel trapped and unable to do anything until you're independent. I just hate when people suffer.

 

[2stepsback]

I was thinking you could request an appointment for another reason and your parents could take you, unless they insist on being with you when seeing the doctor. This is lying, of course, and I don't know how you feel about that. I'm sorry if I'm making the situation more stressful for you. I understand if you feel trapped and unable to do anything until you're independent. I just hate when people suffer.

I would prefer not to lie to my parents but I understand why you would suggest that to me and I am grateful. I also hate seeing people suffer and I hope I can help people in some way when I am older. In a few months I'll be turning 18 so maybe I can request an appointment and go by myself if possible. You aren't making the situation stressful and I really do appreciate the advice. I just wish this could go away somehow and I can feel normal on my own. I don't know what I want though and I'm scrambling my brain to figure it out.

 

[2stepsback]

My mood has been very somber lately. I wish there was a way to stop it but what is there to be happy about?

 

[Ziggy]

My mood has been very somber lately. I wish there was a way to stop it but what is there to be happy about?

This is something I struggle with. A lot of solutions on this site are 'try therapy' or 'try medication' and I appreciate this is a must for people with severe issues, however before you get to this state you should try and discover something that helps you naturally (for example Beethoven was suicidal at one point and his music and love of nature helped him rather than pills) I do find things I like but they don't seem to be stopping a slow and steady decline. The world has much to offer, there are plenty of great places to visit and things to do, but even if that picks you up for a bit you have to return to your normal everyday life. However I do still believe that you should have experienced the world before you leave it.

 

[2stepsback]

This is something I struggle with. A lot of solutions on this site are 'try therapy' or 'try medication' and I appreciate this is a must for people with severe issues, however before you get to this state you should try and discover something that helps you naturally (for example Beethoven was suicidal at one point and his music and love of nature helped him rather than pills) I do find things I like but they don't seem to be stopping a slow and steady decline. The world has much to offer, there are plenty of great places to visit and things to do, but even if that picks you up for a bit you have to return to your normal everyday life. However I do still believe that you should have experienced the world before you leave it.

I have to agree. It's just hard to figure out what makes me happy. What gives me value. Movies and games used to make me happy but I'm watching fewer and fewer movies and playing fewer and fewer games. I've only been playing games to de-stress. These are both sedentary activities, too. I don't have any ill will towards people who play video games a lot or watch lots of movies like some people do, and I believe that if something makes you happy you should cling on to it hard, but for me it feels like I am wasting my time, when that time could be going to other, more productive things, like schoolwork (which I manage to finish on time anyways). I wish I didn't feel this way though, maybe this is more of a case of societal conditioning more than anything.

 

[Lady Wolfshead]

Hi there. Welcome to the forum 2stepsback. I'm not sure I have much to add to what others have said, but I wanted to comment on the idea of someone having "value" and that everyone has value. I'm not sure this is really the best way to look at it. Really, none of us chose to be born (as far as we know), so why do we need to justify our existence in any way? I mean people go around saying things like "everyone is important and has value" but that is not how society behaves. We act as though certain people (like homeless people or poor people) have no value. It's just lip service. Meanwhile as a society we judge people on external factors and what they are able to achieve with career and accomplishments and how much money they have. "Value" is a term with a rather vague definition.

My own feeling is that people (especially those who worry about what value they bring to the world) need to stop worrying so much. You are a good, kind, intelligent person - I can easily tell this from your posts. You don't have to prove anything. You don't have to have everything figured out. You don't have to be productive all the time.

I mean, I do recommend at some point soon choosing some kind of career path that makes you a decent income, and then you can always change careers later in life if you decide there's something you prefer doing. Aptitude tests can help. But people shouldn't have to feel like they should have their life figured out at 14, or 18, or 25, or 50. "Success" is another word with many definitions. In my view if you life your life as you want to and try to do some good or at least avoid harming others, you are a success.

The fact is, not everyone has a mission in life or knows that mission right away. You are allowed to not know.

I suggest you check out Therapy in a Nutshell on Youtube. She is a qualified therapist and has some really good videos and can give you some idea of techniques of various therapies. CBT is a kind of therapy that helps a lot of people and there's lots of information online about it. It helped me a lot.

Best wishes and I hope you get some help for feeling better here.

Lauryn

 

[2stepsback]

Hi there. Welcome to the forum 2stepsback. I'm not sure I have much to add to what others have said, but I wanted to comment on the idea of someone having "value" and that everyone has value. I'm not sure this is really the best way to look at it. Really, none of us chose to be born (as far as we know), so why do we need to justify our existence in any way? I mean people go around saying things like "everyone is important and has value" but that is not how society behaves. We act as though certain people (like homeless people or poor people) have no value. It's just lip service. Meanwhile as a society we judge people on external factors and what they are able to achieve with career and accomplishments and how much money they have. "Value" is a term with a rather vague definition.

My own feeling is that people (especially those who worry about what value they bring to the world) need to stop worrying so much. You are a good, kind, intelligent person - I can easily tell this from your posts. You don't have to prove anything. You don't have to have everything figured out. You don't have to be productive all the time.

I mean, I do recommend at some point soon choosing some kind of career path that makes you a decent income, and then you can always change careers later in life if you decide there's something you prefer doing. Aptitude tests can help. But people shouldn't have to feel like they should have their life figured out at 14, or 18, or 25, or 50. "Success" is another word with many definitions. In my view if you life your life as you want to and try to do some good or at least avoid harming others, you are a success.

The fact is, not everyone has a mission in life or knows that mission right away. You are allowed to not know.

I suggest you check out Therapy in a Nutshell on Youtube. She is a qualified therapist and has some really good videos and can give you some idea of techniques of various therapies. CBT is a kind of therapy that helps a lot of people and there's lots of information online about it. It helped me a lot.

Best wishes and I hope you get some help for feeling better here.

Lauryn

Thank you for your post, it was very helpful. I will try and check out the therapy channel if I have the time, I feel like I have been getting busier and busier with schoolwork and at the same time, I've been doing nothing at all. You are right about the idea of people paying lip service, and it's something I've been thinking about more deeply as I reflect upon this topic. People are very selective about what value is in regards to people, and who has value and who doesn't. A lot of people like to think of a person's worth as measured in financial success, or a person's worth depending on how many good deeds we have performed throughout our lives, but the truth is, these are measures that a lot of people simply cannot aim towards realistically. Not everybody is going to end their lives being rich, and we fluctuate between good and bad choices, it is just a part of being human.

I guess maybe I have been looking at it the wrong way, but I like to think that at the end of the day, this conversation chalks up to people's expectations of me and what they want me to be (and people's expectations of others, and what they want them to be, if they are also struggling with these kinds of thoughts like I am). I understand that we don't have to justify our existence in any way since we didn't choose to be born (also something I think about a lot), but I'm finding it harder and harder to. Life feels like a race to me, and I know it shouldn't, but it feels like everybody is just way farther ahead of me in what they want out of life and I'm straggling behind, and that I am blind, and clueless, and that I don't know what I want. I really don't know what I want still. I picked a career path for me in college already but what if I don't like it? What if I find it to be complete drudgery? I understand I can change it but for how many years longer will I be in college? I don't want to be a hole in the pocket of my parents, and I don't want to keep straggling behind in the rat race of life. I feel useless and completely alone with it at all and that's why I feel that I don't have any value or that I am not worth it. I hope that clarifies more of my position.

My post became a little too reflective towards the end but I want to re-iterate that your comment was genuinely helpful and I appreciate it. I don't think anybody in real life would have told me that if I came clean about the fact that I've been having darker, and depressive thoughts.

 

[Lady Wolfshead]

No I think your perceptions are accurate - life can seem like a race and especially at your age people are pushing you to choose a career and determine the whole path of your life. They may want what they think is best for you. But you shouldn't beat yourself up for being behind others. Both my nieces changed their majors at university (my oldest niece changed from Science to Fine Arts -visual art). I've known people who didn't go to college or university after high school but went at age 30, 40 or beyond and ended up with careers they love. Or who did a degree or diploma and then changed their mind and went back. The difficulty with schooling can be financial, which is why if you can't make up your mind I do recommend picking something decent and then at least if you want to change in the future you will hopefully have some savings to do it.

But personally I don't believe anyone should be pushed to go to college or university immediately after high school unless they feel they are ready. At least it sounds like you have decent study habits. If you go, you may be able to decide more clearly what you want when you are there.

I also recommend some of Ekhart Tolle's writing, especially his first book The Power of Now and his second book A New Earth which has the sub-title "Finding your life's purpose." But it's rather sly because Tolle has a completely different definition of "your life's purpose" than most people. It isn't about finding your ideal career or some such thing. He actually left a high-pressure academic career and became transient before becoming a successful author and spiritual thinker.

 

[2stepsback]

I think I picked a decent career path. But is this really what I want out of life? I guess I'll go through with it just to see. I think I just have a pessimistic outlook on life. I don't think that can be helped really. There's optimists and there's pessimists and there's people in between, that's just how it is, I think. I really don't know what the heck I want but I won't try and beat myself up over it too hard. Just feel like there's so much pressure. From my parents. From my friends. From my teachers. And as soon as I go into college there will be money thrown into the mix so it's like I have to go through with it or else. I'll try. I don't know what I'll do if I fail.