I was abused by nearly everyone in my childhood, and does it sadden me? maybe about 10%,the other percentage, is full of craving. I sit in therapy, and I'm crying, but I'm crying not only because the emotional pain collapses me, I'm crying because I crave my abusers. I see happy pictures of former kidnapping victims, now with families and "lives" ...I don't feel I want that..... and I'm supposed to, as everyone reminds me. I'm used to living for the hand of those that hurt me to cradle me, and I crave that hurt everything else feels...like it isn't enough. People assume I want.... "healing", and "relief".... but this pain is my source of nostalgia for the life I lived, and those are the memories I get, the way normal people remember their lives. So I must be..too screwed up for this society. I'm starting to realize it, therapists will read this as.....well you don't really want my help, don't waste my time. I sit confused in those offices Things were more predictable with those...others I lived with. Unpredictable in a familiar way and predictable in an almost addictive way. crying and pain feels like a dance not like something i want to get rid of, but I still use alcohol when I just want to be numb. I feel myself stuck between child and adult. what am I healing from, why is my pain so difficult for others to bear, why do they want me to hurry up and heal, pick myself up, GO, hurry... where am I going in such a hurry? why can't I tell them anything anymore. I don't know if I'm depressed...I guess I'm the face of what depression looks like ,but I just feel like I'm floating around in different panels of merged past and present. I'm so confused as to my purpose. I don't mean to be rude but if you're going to give me generic "your a good person, and nice and caring* especially if you haven't met me don't answer... generic answers make me feel like I'm misunderstood. anyway thanks for reading.