Hurry up and Heal.

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by NumbBrokenGirl, Nov 11, 2014.

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  1. NumbBrokenGirl

    NumbBrokenGirl New Member

    I was abused by nearly everyone in my childhood, and does it sadden me? maybe about 10%,the other percentage, is full of craving.
    I sit in therapy, and I'm crying, but I'm crying not only because the emotional pain collapses me, I'm crying because I crave my abusers.
    I see happy pictures of former kidnapping victims, now with families and "lives" ...I don't feel I want that.....
    and I'm supposed to, as everyone reminds me. I'm used to living for the hand of those that hurt me to cradle me, and I crave that hurt
    everything else it isn't enough. People assume I want.... "healing", and "relief"....
    but this pain is my source of nostalgia for the life I lived, and those are the memories I get, the way normal people remember their lives.

    So I must be..too screwed up for this society.
    I'm starting to realize it,
    therapists will read this as.....well you don't really want my help, don't waste my time.
    I sit confused in those offices
    Things were more predictable with those...others I lived with. Unpredictable in a familiar way and predictable in an almost addictive way.

    crying and pain feels like a dance not like something i want to get rid of,
    but I still use alcohol when I just want to be numb.

    I feel myself stuck between child and adult.

    what am I healing from, why is my pain so difficult for others to bear, why do they want me to hurry up and heal, pick myself up, GO, hurry...
    where am I going in such a hurry?
    why can't I tell them anything anymore.
    I don't know if I'm depressed...I guess I'm the face of what depression looks like ,but I just feel like I'm floating around
    in different panels of merged past and present.

    I'm so confused as to my purpose.
    I don't mean to be rude but if you're going to give me generic "your a good person, and nice and caring* especially if you haven't met me don't answer...
    generic answers make me feel like I'm misunderstood.

    anyway thanks for reading.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You like others that have been abused only know that type of life and now have to face a different way of living so of course you are confused
    You know nothing of true kindness and care There is a name for what you are feeling for you abuser so it is not uncommon
    Who ever it is that wants you to hurry up and heal well that person should not be treating you then
    You need a therapist that deals with such trauma ok one that can treat you gently and slowly with no time limit ok You go at your pace you tell the therapist what you have written here
    That therapist will understand and will not judge you for saying it because what you have said will make sense to many here who have been abused
    Find a good therapist one that deals with trauma one that can hellp you understand what you are feeling
  3. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    Maybe if you have them - you could try spending time around some people you might consider to be positive influences on your life. Or at the very least, hang out in & around places that make you feel inspired; happy; good (about yourself). I know it isn't easy, for if it were, you or I wouldn't be here right now... But in any case trying to do things that make you feel better--whether they be art, music & movies, exercise (anything, really!)--can be of some benefit when you find something to focus on and channel your energy toward. At least I know it's what occasionally helps me. Good luck!
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