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Empathy Only hurt

#1
the person in my life, only person, who cares about me so much and values me so much that I've never had a connection so close and perfect with before has been so out of character it kills me and is so confusing. this person would never want to hurt me and normally is horrified if they make me feel bad. they lashed out at me over something very small a few months back and ended up blowing things massively out of proportion and sounding very nasty and patronizing to me which shocked me immensely and hurt like hell. they were angry and clearly not in a good mindset so said they still want to be friends but need space until they feel like talking again. nearly 4 months have gone by and I recently broke the ice showing my concern for them (thinking its odd they dont seem to feel better yet after so long/perhaps were hiding from feeling awkward as they can get very awkward and anxious about situations like these) and also saying sorry again for annoying them, reassuring them, being positive, sent stuff I know would make them smile but saying I dont want them to feel pressured to talk if they arent ready yet too. I know they're online everyday but they haven't even read my message - I do think its highly likely they muted me back when they were angry so that would make sense them not seeing it, but I also dont know that for sure and dont like to think they're actively ignoring me when it's all so out of character for them.

it hurts and is confusing why they need so much space too, its bizarre when its not even like anything major happened. I would've thought they would have seen sense by now and realized how much they overreacted and how hurtful it was to me. I understand needing space, but it gets to a point where its counter-productive and selfish to have so much when you know the other person would never intentionally annoy you and is very remorseful. why would anyone want to wallow in negativity rather than resolve things asap and move forward back to happier stuff?! It's a total mindfuck, as if the person flipped personalities overnight or are possessed. I know the real them would never do this. I do appreciate that they could have been pre-occupied with stress from lockdown a couple months ago too and/or maybe are struggling with depression or things I dont know about, but I also dont know what to believe and feel like I cant trust them anymore since their nasty outburst months ago. I dont know if they're pre-occupied with other stuff at the moment or are going through a bad place mentally or have lost track of time or a mixture of those things, or if they're just being an ignorant selfish asshole :( I dont want to believe the latter, but I do know they can be stubborn and ignorant and selfish with other people, I just dont understand why they would with me :( I'm always the exception and we've never had a fight before. the person is usually all sweet and incredibly caring and considerate to me, this behaviour doesnt make any sense. I feel abandoned, which again, I know they would never do but I have noticed small things from them online that are also out of character, so wondering if that supports my theory that they're depressed or in a bad place mentally. its incredibly hurtful and isolating, I dont have anyone else like them in my life, they're the only person who truly cares about me and understands me. nobody's ever loved me as much as them and I cant truly believe they would throw everything we have down the drain when they dont have anyone else like me in their life either and have always said how scared they are of losing me and dont know what they'd do without me.

my parent says I just need to be more patient and wait for them to snap out of it, that they're probably just in their own world and going through bad stuff mentally or stuff I dont know about, but its so hard cause I dont know what to believe. its been agony being alone for 4 months. me and this person normally talk everyday for hours, to go from that to having nobody asking how I am everyday, nobody to talk to everyday, nobody to support me everyday, nobody to laugh with everyday, is so horrible. I know they surely must be feeling the emptiness too as they also dont have that level of care and stuff from anyone else in their life, I'm all they have really. I know I can get some company and support here, which I am grateful for, but it's nowhere near the same or as fulfilling as talking to someone you're close to everyday for hours. I feel so hurt and hopeless, I'm desperate to regain some normality but I dont know when things will get better or what to think of this person's behaviour

I'm not looking for advice really, I know I just need to accept it and be patient and hope they come back someday and say sorry or I need to give up on them and try to detach myself. But I'm going through immense upset and hurt and confusion and loneliness and I wish things would get better and that the real them would come back soon :(
 

1964dodge

Has a frog in the family
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#2
the person in my life, only person, who cares about me so much and values me so much that I've never had a connection so close and perfect with before has been so out of character it kills me and is so confusing. this person would never want to hurt me and normally is horrified if they make me feel bad. they lashed out at me over something very small a few months back and ended up blowing things massively out of proportion and sounding very nasty and patronizing to me which shocked me immensely and hurt like hell. they were angry and clearly not in a good mindset so said they still want to be friends but need space until they feel like talking again. nearly 4 months have gone by and I recently broke the ice showing my concern for them (thinking its odd they dont seem to feel better yet after so long/perhaps were hiding from feeling awkward as they can get very awkward and anxious about situations like these) and also saying sorry again for annoying them, reassuring them, being positive, sent stuff I know would make them smile but saying I dont want them to feel pressured to talk if they arent ready yet too. I know they're online everyday but they haven't even read my message - I do think its highly likely they muted me back when they were angry so that would make sense them not seeing it, but I also dont know that for sure and dont like to think they're actively ignoring me when it's all so out of character for them.

it hurts and is confusing why they need so much space too, its bizarre when its not even like anything major happened. I would've thought they would have seen sense by now and realized how much they overreacted and how hurtful it was to me. I understand needing space, but it gets to a point where its counter-productive and selfish to have so much when you know the other person would never intentionally annoy you and is very remorseful. why would anyone want to wallow in negativity rather than resolve things asap and move forward back to happier stuff?! It's a total mindfuck, as if the person flipped personalities overnight or are possessed. I know the real them would never do this. I do appreciate that they could have been pre-occupied with stress from lockdown a couple months ago too and/or maybe are struggling with depression or things I dont know about, but I also dont know what to believe and feel like I cant trust them anymore since their nasty outburst months ago. I dont know if they're pre-occupied with other stuff at the moment or are going through a bad place mentally or have lost track of time or a mixture of those things, or if they're just being an ignorant selfish asshole :( I dont want to believe the latter, but I do know they can be stubborn and ignorant and selfish with other people, I just dont understand why they would with me :( I'm always the exception and we've never had a fight before. the person is usually all sweet and incredibly caring and considerate to me, this behaviour doesnt make any sense. I feel abandoned, which again, I know they would never do but I have noticed small things from them online that are also out of character, so wondering if that supports my theory that they're depressed or in a bad place mentally. its incredibly hurtful and isolating, I dont have anyone else like them in my life, they're the only person who truly cares about me and understands me. nobody's ever loved me as much as them and I cant truly believe they would throw everything we have down the drain when they dont have anyone else like me in their life either and have always said how scared they are of losing me and dont know what they'd do without me.

my parent says I just need to be more patient and wait for them to snap out of it, that they're probably just in their own world and going through bad stuff mentally or stuff I dont know about, but its so hard cause I dont know what to believe. its been agony being alone for 4 months. me and this person normally talk everyday for hours, to go from that to having nobody asking how I am everyday, nobody to talk to everyday, nobody to support me everyday, nobody to laugh with everyday, is so horrible. I know they surely must be feeling the emptiness too as they also dont have that level of care and stuff from anyone else in their life, I'm all they have really. I know I can get some company and support here, which I am grateful for, but it's nowhere near the same or as fulfilling as talking to someone you're close to everyday for hours. I feel so hurt and hopeless, I'm desperate to regain some normality but I dont know when things will get better or what to think of this person's behaviour

I'm not looking for advice really, I know I just need to accept it and be patient and hope they come back someday and say sorry or I need to give up on them and try to detach myself. But I'm going through immense upset and hurt and confusion and loneliness and I wish things would get better and that the real them would come back soon :(
*hug*sadhug*console*shake
 

SomeGuy77

Well-Known Member
#3
I know how you feel, about the sudden loneliness. Not trying to give advice, but speaking from my own experience I can say that life throws us these bumps and changes, and we get stronger because of them. I don't think life is supposed to be easy and fun all the time, wouldn't allow for personal growth. Specially regarding friends and such, we need to learn to be happy even when alone and not depend on anyone, so life "helps" us with that from time to time. I'm still learning how to do it though, but any day now... :P
 
#4
I know how you feel, about the sudden loneliness. Not trying to give advice, but speaking from my own experience I can say that life throws us these bumps and changes, and we get stronger because of them. I don't think life is supposed to be easy and fun all the time, wouldn't allow for personal growth. Specially regarding friends and such, we need to learn to be happy even when alone and not depend on anyone, so life "helps" us with that from time to time. I'm still learning how to do it though, but any day now... :P
I just feel traumatized not stronger :( and I've already had a ton of bad stuff happen in recent years and lost so much already. I cant be happy alone for very long. Maybe like a week or so, spesh if I knew when people were coming back, but I cant do months :( I used to be good at being happy alone, I didnt need anyone and spent most my time alone but it fell apart when everything else went wrong in recent years and this routine of talking to this friend everyday helps me immensely, its one of the only thing I have In life to look forward to. Now its just emptiness and i cant for the life of me understand how they're seemingly chill with being like this either. They can handle things better than me, but they've gone months without any support or long conversations or anyone caring about them either. I wish I was as unbothered and strong as them
 

SomeGuy77

Well-Known Member
#5
Well you mentioned they can be stubborn and selfish with other people, but not you. When someone is like that to someone else, they can be like that to you as well.

As you mentioned it can be for several reasons they don't want to talk, my guess would be that they're preoccupied with something. Maybe something addictive that makes you lose track of time and reality, like computer games. Which playing too much makes one wake up one day and realize how they wasted so much of their life.

I went/going through a similar situation. I stopped talking to my "friends" a very long time ago, and was friendless for a decade. Until I met someone whom we shared a lot in common, talked every day for hours. But we started fighting, blocking each other online and then making up, this process went on for years. Either they blocked me, or I them. Now we've blocked each other again for the last 3 months, although this time I think is for good, as I don't see anyway I can talk to them again without getting hurt by their behavior. So the friendship is not worth it. So I rather be alone. The first time we blocked each other I felt horrible, desperate and truly lonely. Didn't think life can ever be happy again for me. But now I feel relieved to have ended the friendship, even though I have absolutely no one.

The process of getting strong, self-content and not depend on anyone for happiness is long. One has to first feel and understand the pain, and then realize it was just an illusion. Must find our own self-worth. But once we learn how to not depend and rely on anyone then it's far easier to be happy with a friend, finding friends, and even be happy without friends.
 
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#6
Well you mentioned they can be stubborn and selfish with other people, but not you. When someone is like that to someone else, they can be like that to you as well.

As you mentioned it can be for several reasons they don't want to talk, my guess would be that they're preoccupied with something. Maybe something addictive that makes you lose track of time and reality, like computer games. Which playing too much makes one wake up one day and realize how they wasted so much of their life.

I went/going through a similar situation. I stopped talking to my "friends" a very long time ago, and was friendless for a decade. Until I met someone whom we shared a lot in common, talked every day for hours. But we started fighting, blocking each other online and then making up, this process went on for years. Either they blocked me, or I them. Now we've blocked each other again for the last 3 months, although this time I think is for good, as I don't see anyway I can talk to them again without getting hurt by their behavior. So the friendship is not worth it. So I rather be alone. The first time we blocked each other I felt horrible, desperate and truly lonely. Didn't think life can ever be happy again for me. But now I feel relieved to have ended the friendship, even though I have absolutely no one.

The process of getting strong, self-content and not depend on anyone for happiness is long. One has to first feel and understand the pain, and then realize it was just an illusion. Must find our own self-worth. But once we learn how to not depend and rely on anyone then it's far easier to be happy with a friend, finding friends, and even be happy without friends.
true.

oh wow, that reminds me of a close friend I had years ago- me and the person had a lot in common and talked for hours nearly everyday too but they got into weird moods every few weeks or months where they suddenly got paranoid or angry outta nowhere without being provoked and the friend would randomly block me or be shit to me then come back and say sorry and beg for forgiveness, I always forgave them cause I enjoyed our friendship but it was wearing me down how often they kept blocking unblocking blocking unblocking or going mad at me for no reason (we didnt even fight!) and eventually I blocked them cause they just replaced me with someone who harassed me rather than defending me soo.... that was that :/ people are weird

thanks though, I appreciate your words, I've heard similar from others but it's hard to not be pessimistic. It's helpful to have outside input (and yes, they can get into trances playing games for ages etc)
 

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