HURTING, HATING, ALONE FOREVER

[dying_inside]

Today has been the worst day ever.

After months of waiting list, they told me NO to the esketamine treatment. I flipped out and once i was back in my town i went straight to the mental health center and accused my psychiatrist of not having done enough for me and that if i die its her fault. she explained herself very clearly and i decided it was not her fault, so i emailed the psych clinic where i had been, telling them its their fault if i kill myself. they called me back and tried to be sure i have help and not stay alone. they did not convince me it was not their fault. instead of making me go there 3 times for nothing (their city is 1 hour distant from mine), they could have done everything in a single phone call: ask the psychiatrist if im taking antidepressants, if they work or worked in the past and when she would have said she is not giving me antidepressants, they could have easily told her then they wont accept me. EASY. they instead chose to deliberately give me false hope. and then i also emaild T (my therapist who is the one that started this thing) and i told him it was his fault and he could have done better and if i kill myself its for the esketamine they decided not to give me.

meanwhile i have also decided to stop seeing everyone: my psychologist that i have said good bye 30mins ago, my psychiatrist, i'll say good bye to my autism T on the 27th and since i bet all i have, that T wont answer to that email i wont be there at the first session after the holidays.

EVERYONE IS HURTING ME ONE WAY OR THE OTHER. I HATE EVERYONE.

I AM TIRED OF HURTING AND DONT WANT TO SEE ANYONE ANYMORE.

I AM SORRY BECAUSE I LOVE SOME PEOPLE, BUT IT HURTS TOO MUCH.

I AM HURTING AS NEVER BEFORE

I WANT TO PUNISH EVERYONE FOR TORTURING ME

I WILL WRITE A LETTER WITH ALL THE PAINFUL THINGS THEY HAVE DONE TO ME

but for tonight im just taking my sleeping pills and go to sleep.

im too hurt to think of living longer than i have established.

im hurting SO much. im tired of living. im tired of hurting. im tired of hoping. im tired of being hurt by people.

i HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING

I JUST WANT TO STOP BEING ALIVE

IT HURTS TOO FUCKING MUCH.

 

[may71]

I'm sorry you're in so much pain. I hope things can get better somehow.

Hugs Dying_Inside

 

[iloverachel]

I am sorry you are hurting so much and in so much pain
As always you can PM me whenever you want
I hope you feel better soon, and that the new year is better than the last my friend

 

[Aurelia]

Your emotions are heightened right now. It's not the time to make any decisions. Ketamine may or may not have helped you. Perhaps it wasn't the right treatment for you. Perhaps you have something even better that lies ahead if you stay patient. I know it's difficult. I, myself, cry every day because of how lonely I am. And I find myself praying to God, asking Him to make it better. He assured me to stay patient. I will pray for you and I urge you to pray also. God can help you with anything. He does not stand by watching His children suffer. Talk to Him and you'll find out.

 

[dying_inside]

Thank you for your support. my T called me today and im feeling a little better. maybe i wont die this soon.

 

[iloverachel]

Thank you for your support. my T called me today and im feeling a little better. maybe i wont die this soon.

Glad you are feeling a little better

 

[Windhover]

I am in understanding @dying_inside
hugs

 

[iloverachel]

How are you today my friend

 

[alice202]

I hope you find the help and support you need.

Alice

 

[dying_inside]

Hi everyone, i havent been around much lately cause im doing much better. I think its a combination of pills, resting from work and the new year.

My psychiatrist gave me Lamictal and i think its working fine with my down phase of being bipolar.

Resting for a week during the first week of the year helped me feeling more relaxed and more positive.

And having something made up from men like the turning of the year helped me eliminating all the bad experiences and hopes disappointed in 2023 to let room to a new version of me in 2024.

I wish you all to feel better in this new year.
Thank you for your support.
Love and peace to everyone

 

[iloverachel]

Hi everyone, i havent been around much lately cause im doing much better. I think its a combination of pills, resting from work and the new year.

My psychiatrist gave me Lamictal and i think its working fine with my down phase of being bipolar.

Resting for a week during the first week of the year helped me feeling more relaxed and more positive.

And having something made up from men like the turning of the year helped me eliminating all the bad experiences and hopes disappointed in 2023 to let room to a new version of me in 2024.

I wish you all to feel better in this new year.
Thank you for your support.
Love and peace to everyone

Yay!!! Glad you are feeling better my friend
One step and one day at a time. You got this we are here for you

 

[iloverachel]

Hi it's been a while
How are you my friend

 

[dying_inside]

Its hard but im surviving..
How are you?

 

[iloverachel]

Its hard but im surviving..
How are you?

Not too well
Pretty terrible actually

 

[dying_inside]

Wish i could help...

 

[iloverachel]

Hi I hope things have gotten better my friend

 

[Survivorist]

Yep, these ups and downs - for some of us extreme. Nothing we can do - just try to stay alive somehow. Sleep, take pills, walk...

This song makes it clear:

 

[dying_inside]

ALL BAD THINGS ARE HAPPENING TO ME THIS F*ING YEAR.

IT MAKES ME WONDER WHY DIDNT I DIE BEFORE WHEN I ATTEMPTED

AND IT MAKES ME FEEL SUICIDAL AGAIN AFTER MONTHS OF NOT FEELING IT.

I HATE THIS LIFE, I HATE MY LIFE, I HATE THIS F*ING WORLD!!!

 

[iloverachel]

ALL BAD THINGS ARE HAPPENING TO ME THIS F*ING YEAR.

IT MAKES ME WONDER WHY DIDNT I DIE BEFORE WHEN I ATTEMPTED

AND IT MAKES ME FEEL SUICIDAL AGAIN AFTER MONTHS OF NOT FEELING IT.

I HATE THIS LIFE, I HATE MY LIFE, I HATE THIS F*ING WORLD!!!

I am so sorry you are feeling like this

 

[MisterBGone]

ALL BAD THINGS ARE HAPPENING TO ME THIS F*ING YEAR.

IT MAKES ME WONDER WHY DIDNT I DIE BEFORE WHEN I ATTEMPTED

AND IT MAKES ME FEEL SUICIDAL AGAIN AFTER MONTHS OF NOT FEELING IT.

I HATE THIS LIFE, I HATE MY LIFE, I HATE THIS F*ING WORLD!!!

I'm terribly sorry @dying_inside - I just hope you can get back to feeling how you were before, earlier, for a few months there. And in very short order, ok? You are very much appreciated by all who are here! So don't give up, just yet...