I’m crazy

[somewherefaraway]

At around 2 in the morning I walked all the way to my former best friend’s house to leave an envelope at his door step. The walk was very
long, so long that my legs were in so much pain. The pain was so bad that I actually felt like throwing up while I was walking. Inside the envelope is a bracelet for him as a gift and a series of notes. There are various things written on the notes. One of them contains an apology for the things I did to him and another one explains why I deserve to punish myself for what I did. I won’t go into detail about every note though, I’m sure you get the idea of what the nature of the notes is.
I don’t know what’s going to happen if he sees the envelope. I don’t even fully understand why I felt the need to do this. It’s fucking stupid. He’s gonna think I’m more insane than I already am.

 

[SamB]

How long are you going to punish yourself for and will you continue to do so even if he forgives you?

 

[somewherefaraway]

How long are you going to punish yourself for and will you continue to do so even if he forgives you?

Whether he forgives me or not doesn’t matter to me. I want to punish myself indefinitely, I feel like the things I’ve done are irredeemable. I want to show everyone just how remorseful I am.

 

[1Lefty]

Is there a chance that your actions don't reach "irredeemable" status in the eyes of others, only in your own perception?
Guilt can be important, it prevents us from doing lots of wrong things, and fuels the desire in us to right our missteps.
Guilt, coupled with acts of penance can allow us to try to correct our wrongs.
Past that, it only continues to feed our shame, which is not productive for anyone, ourselves included.
Actually, in a way, it's selfish and self-centered to continue to beat yourself up, your on-going guilt really benefits no one
Why not use your self knowledge to actively try to make things better going forward?
That might be a better way to make amends, to do something that actively helps others.
Do volunteer work as your penance, and let it go.
You have a lot to offer, if you use it in a productive way

peace

 

[SamB]

Irredeemable is quite a high threshold, obviously you could have done something that terrible but maybe you are overestimating how bad it was?
Would you be open to reevaluating the punishment you deserve?

 

[somewherefaraway]

Would you be open to reevaluating the punishment you deserve?

No. I feel like I need to put myself through this. Because if I don’t then people will continue to suffer and I don’t want that. If I punish myself then it will offer relief and safety to the people who I have hurt, since they know that the person who affected them is being punished and they can receive justice.

 

[Livelife]

Not ever doing again what you believe and perceive was not right is a big part of the correction and rectifying and amends. If I'm interpreting correctly, I am sorry you experienced loss of a friend and don't currently have the relationship with him that you had and are now missing. Being gentler with yourself at this point doesn't take away from the clarity you now have around what occurred and your part in it.

 

[Ziggy]

Do volunteer work as your penance, and let it go.
You have a lot to offer, if you use it in a productive way

I get this, we've got to make the world a better place. Make that your punishment.

 

[Ziggy]

Too late to modify my last response, it doesn't seem like a very realistic solution, but life is like a story that we make up in our heads. My last reply was like a good way to end the story, but when you say "I feel like the things I’ve done are irredeemable" that also may be a story too. When people do odd things under hypnosis they make up strange stories to justify why they did the things that they had done, so I was trying to say that you have to have good actions without attaching a story to them.

 

[Lifeisthis]

Please don't punish yourself no one wants that for you and you don't deserve it

 

[SamB]

In my experience punishment is rarely beneficial and the longer and more severe it is the less beneficial it becomes. I’m of the opinion that punishment ultimately just damages the person being punished and makes them more likely, not less likely to do something bad in the future.

I don’t think you are insane or crazy in any way, it’s to be expected that a traumatic childhood like yours would cause you issues. The behaviour we experience as youngsters becomes indented into us and even if we know in our conscious minds that it was wrong and not the way to behave it still is deeply rooted into are subconscious and often leads us to repeat that behaviour to others. I think you punishing yourself might actually be another example of that negative behaviour coming out, just directed towards yourself rather than others.

 

[Survivorist]

Hmm, sometimes I have the feeling that your world is just too small. It's the same "area", the same employer, the same person(s) you deal with every day. This makes you not only sick but your reactions (as I read above) are no longer adequate. Sorry, but I have been there and I discovered that changing the environment and maybe the country is a good thing. Expand your experiences - this will change you, your approach on things, your whole being. I went through this and it was good - not all of course, but most of it. Pictures of starving people still come to my mind - and I could cry. So my own problems are real - but I learned to fight. And not all the time, but often I make it.