I don’t really know how to do the whole “intro” thing. I honestly don’t know how much I’ll even be on here but I needed something this morning. I am 24 female from the US. I’ve struggled with depression, anxiety, self harm, and PTSD for most of my life. I was abused physically and psychologically by my biological father for the first 13 years of my life before social services were called. My two younger siblings and I were taken and the investigation was conducted and found we had been abused, neglected, and put in harms way. I was in regular foster care for a few years then sent to a therapeutic foster home for three years before going to a foster care group home until I had 16. I did good overall, I was one of those kids that on the outside seemed fine. I was a straight a student and tried to be perfect. I was put up for adoption at 16 and met my first and forever family a couple months later. I moved in with my now amazing moms and lived there for 9 months before my adoption was finalized. I think my life really took a drastic change when I moved in with them. I had, up to that point, never really had issues out right in front of people. I cried to myself, I self harmed but never to the point anyone knew, and overall I “kept it together”. Then I moved in with my moms who “chose me”. Then for the first time in my life I thought I was too much and they would get tired of me. I pushed. Jeez I pushed. I self sabotage DAILY. I call one of my moms Mama and the other Mom. Mama has a ton of mental health issues and is diagnosed with Bipolar. She has been medicated and deals with it every day. She was very open about when I first moved in so I didn’t feel alone. So we connected well. We didn’t really fight, we still have a really great relationship. Mom on the other hand I felt like I was disappointing daily. I thought everything I did was a disappointment to her, she never did anything to make me feel like way it just happened. So of course I pushed her the most. We fought DAILY. Everyday was a constant battle. I struggled for a long time before I accepted that they loved me and wasn’t going to send me away or give up on me. Mama has two kids with her ex husband. So I have a (now 18 year old sister and 15 year old brother). If you can’t tell by my age I was a “Covid graduate” I graduated 2020 so I was in the middle of Covid. I feel like my depression got really bad that year. 3/4 of my senior year was spent virtually, and not the “zoom call” class. I mean we were assigned work and due dates but only really socialized with our teachers maybe once a week for an hour on a zoom call, otherwise it was emailing if you had questions kind of thing. So that meant I could sleep. And I mean sleep. I would stay up until 2 or 3 in the morning and then sleep all day. My moms worked nights as nurses 3-4 nights a week so they would sleep 8am to about 4pm and then be at work 6:30pm to 7:30/8am. So that gave me ALOT of time alone. And not to say they caused anything. They had to work. I chose to stay in bed all the time. I was sleeping 18-20 hours a day. I didn’t eat much. I was a big girl growing up, high school I probably weighed 250 pounds. When moms were off I would eat 2-3 meals in a day mostly just because it was with them. When they were working and I was alone. I ate maybe every two days. As a newly senior I weighed 280-300 pounds, by the time I graduated I weighed maybe 220-240. Safe to say I lost a lot of weight. Which probably would have been fine but I didn’t do it in the healthiest way so it was a good thing. I met my now husband at 19. We had originally met at the foster group home I was in but never really talked until he found me on insta a few years after he had left. We started talking and hanging out as friends. He came out this past year as trans so I’m still getting in the habit of using “he”. I was 19 and he was 20. He grew up in a pretty crappy home too. Both parents in addiction and divorced. His mom introduced him to hard drugs at 15 and started doing them with him. He was heavily in active addiction when we first started hanging out. I never really knew what “high” looked like outside of pot and pills (my bio parents) so I didn’t even realize he was an addict. We dated for a few months before I found out and we broke up because of his problems. I spiraled a little when we did. I started trying to hang out with his old friends to “get back at him” which in turn exposed me to heavy pot use (his cousin and cousin’s girlfriend were dealers so I started using heavily). We ran into each other a month later and he said he wanted to get clean. I was still living with my moms at the time and they knew he was using so they offered to let him move in so he could get clean (he was homeless and couch surfing). We struggled for a few years, he was still actively relapsing and then I started trying to cope with pills. Fast forward to 2022, my moms started having problems so we moved out (in a fight, so very sudden and with no money). Then they divorced. We hotel and Airbnb surfed for a while. We both got clean and started taking care of ourselves. My husband is almost 4 years clean now!! We have been making it by the last few years. Adulthood is hard so money is always tight but we’ve managed. My mom got remarried. My husband and I got married last month! The last year or so I’ve really went down hill again with my depression. We have had to bum money from my parents a lot so I started beating myself up about it. I feel like I’m constantly drowning. I lost my 2 year steady job in July so I took a dive. I’m still unemployed. My husband is the sole provider right now but barely makes enough for use to live on. I’m struggling. ALOT. I’ve been clean from self harm for a year and a half. But I think about it daily. I’ve never really been the type to want to kill myself but I’ve been struggling with the thoughts of just not wanting to wake up. My husband works 9-5 so I’m alone a lot during the day now. I’m sleeping a lot again and not getting out of bed until 3 or 4. I stay up laying in bed until like 5 am. I wake up constantly. I’m empty. I feel so alone. I can just feel myself slipping. It’s hard to keep going everyday. In all and all I don’t know how much I’ll really talk on here but I wanted to get everything out and maybe this can be an outlet I don’t know.
I’m here, hi.
- Thread starter bpdgoddess
- Start date
welcome to SF @bpdgoddess ,
I am sorry you’re hurting. Sometimes a good vent is what you need to get through the day. Other times you need to chat. There are many sources of information and comfort here. You can ask for suggestions or ask for empathy. You have to find what works best for you. You can come and go as you please. Stop by anytime! I’ll look forward to see you around.
🦩🦩🦩🦩
I am sorry you’re hurting. Sometimes a good vent is what you need to get through the day. Other times you need to chat. There are many sources of information and comfort here. You can ask for suggestions or ask for empathy. You have to find what works best for you. You can come and go as you please. Stop by anytime! I’ll look forward to see you around.
🦩🦩🦩🦩
Thank you @FlamingoWrangler
