I ain't worth shit

[birdy]

...so yeah...
i am suicidal. wanted to kill myself about a week ago. my parents dont know about it. only my friends do. thank god for having friends. i love them so much. however one friend went over to a teacher and told her everything about me. i am not mad about it or anything. it is just that my teacher promised, she fucking promised me, that she wouldnt tell a soul.
well she did.
she went to the board of directors and told the dean all about me and my problems. so now the dean is black mailing me. fuck! he is fucking black mailing me! he said, that if i didnt go to see the school nurse/psychiatrist, hed call my parents, putting me into the deepest shit ever. my parents knowing about wouls result in my death. if they dont kill me for being suicidal, id do it. and the worst thing about it is that the dean wants to tell them anyway, in about 5 weeks. i am drowning in this shit. fucking asshole.
so guess what i did...i went to see the psychiatrist. and that bitch made me feel worse than before. she gave me all these pills and all...but she isnt qualified...she has no idea how i feel...she always said things like 'i can imagine how it feels' and bullshit like that. it would make more sense to talk to a wall. fucking bitch.
so yeah...dont know what to do...dont think that i can go on like this...dont think that it can get better...
isnt it ironic? i am depressed and go to a psychiatrist...and i come back suicidal...
this irony is killing me...in more than one way...
i think im going to die. i am going to die real soon.
fuck it
fuck it
i cant take it anymore.

 

[birdy]

oh almost forgot...just in case u thought about answering here...dont say, that depressions are like a fever, it first needs to get worse to get better...i dont believe that crap...
:depressed

 

[letdown]

...
isnt it ironic? i am depressed and go to a psychiatrist...and i come back suicidal...

Yes, completely. I've been to see so called professionals in my mental health team and come back all the more worse. :hug: I'm sorry you've had such a bad experience with having your trust broken and the psychiatrist who didn't listen to you.

There will be counsellors out there that will listen to you and will help when you want that help.

In what way do you think your parents are going to kill you for being suicidal?
Could you tell the dean that telling your parents is a very risky thing to do when it comes to you being alive or dead?

I'm glad you have supportive friends. Please keep talking to them.

What do you think would make you feel better (other than killing yourself)?

 

[birdy]

the only thing that keeps me alive are my friends...
there isnt anything else...the rest is just plain black...the world is black...unless my friends are there...

 

[corral]

hi birdy
its good you have friends that are supportive... its very important. stick to them, i hope you can feel better somehow and improve your situation.
if you need to talk you can pm me anytime.