I am misogynistic inside. I hate me.

[I_waste_everything]

I have been looking inside and I find that my ugly air of chosen misogyny from 1st grade is still here. I thought I had defeated it, but I'd just buried it.

I hate misogynists. Hate. Hate. Hate. I hate being one. It's pain I deserve to find out I never stopped being one. If justice were real we'd all <mod edit - method>, myself included.

But I wouldn't be on this website (as often) if I were deadset on that as an option. Interwoven with everyugly else, I must vivisect myself for this disgusting trait, learn how it works, come as close as I can to killing it, and make defying it such a way of life that when I recur and finally get my retry I do better by very impulse of who I am as a mind-soul.

 

[I_waste_everything]

Specifically, I feel an emotional wall come up when I talk to or think about women I know, and stopping me from feeling as I'd like to feel. A defense mechanism that was stupid to begin with.

Been finding gaps in it, but that the wall ever existed or stands so strong is what I know is wrong with me.

 

[Congratsbaby]

Your self awareness , acceptance , will is admirable by me.
I do feel a bit sad , sometimes more depends. Sad that you struggle with self hate so much. I wonder if you consider it as a struggle or part of your identity. ( I don't mean to attack you or get too personal , just saying that I could be wrong )

I am sorry that you're going through suicidal thoughts and feelings so often. I believe that truly sucks. Living life while you constantly wanna die ( or very often ). I wish that wasn't it and healing was more easy for you.

I hope you get over the negative traits , heal and one day can look back and be somewhere along the lines of " yes , that was wrong. ( Though not with hate necessarily ) But here I am now. "

But what can I say , what you need / want. I believe, I can't say truly. Still , maybe the words can help a bit.

I agree with the cliff thing lmao. Not exactly but I agree that if justice is there for everyone , everyone must confess ( not to the world but to the people who deserve it ) and face the consequences. This is just another human world thing , that it doesn't take place. But I believe if justice worked that way , people wouldn't be genuine YK. Like maybe , through the force of justice someone would confess , face consequences but they might not genuinely wanna do it. If that makes sense. Because , if they would ( they might perhaps do in this world ). Lol , if this makes sense to you.

🌱 Rainy grass for you along with it's smell.

 

[Fbr27]

I think it all depends on what kind of person we are and how we take our experiences in some way.

Maybe you are depressed, and your problem is not exactly "women", but this anger that you feel about something in the past.

 

[Lisa the Ferrociraptor]

I mean, in all fairness, i think a major part of doing the work of opposing bigotry, is accepting that we're all susceptible to it. Gonna sound like the Joker for a sec, but we live in a society. And that society imposes ideas on us, which bleed through into implicit biases we're often not even conscious or aware of.

And so by extension, we're all kinda misogynistic. We're all racist, we're all transphobic, we're all homophobic, and so on and so on. It's conditioned into us by the messages we grow up hearing. It's why in certain racial equality discussions, the phrase gets thrown around that "You can be pro-racist, or anti-racist. There is no non-racist."

I'm a trans woman, but i'm still a misogynist in a sense. I'm still a transphobe. I'm still a transmisogynist, questioning my experiences against those of a cis woman. And despite being quite happily out and proud as a lesbian, and having spent 13 years living as an out and proud gay man, i'm still homophobic in some ways. It's the nature of the beast, an inescapable reality of the bigoted society we are unfortunately mandated to participate in.

But beating ourselves up, dragging ourselves over the coals for it, does nothing to help the victims of that bigotry. The only thing we can realistically do is vow to combat that bigotry within ourselves, oppose it in others where we encounter it, and always push for true equality and mutual respect to the best of our abilities. So long as that's your goal, then you're already doing everything you can as a fellow squishy mortal.

 

[Gard]

I have been looking inside and I find that my ugly air of chosen misogyny from 1st grade is still here. I thought I had defeated it, but I'd just buried it.

I hate misogynists. Hate. Hate. Hate. I hate being one. It's pain I deserve to find out I never stopped being one. If justice were real we'd all throw ourselves off cliffs, myself included.

But I wouldn't be on this website (as often) if I were deadset on that as an option. Interwoven with everyugly else, I must vivisect myself for this disgusting trait, learn how it works, come as close as I can to killing it, and make defying it such a way of life that when I recur and finally get my retry I do better by very impulse of who I am as a mind-soul.

Damn, sometimes I feel like a misogynist, too. But when I dig deeper, I realize that I only hate one woman. Even her name. And if other women act like her, I start to hate them, too.

To be fair, I hate assholes regardless of their gender. And I just walk away from wherever they are. If I can’t walk away, then it’s a fight.

 

[uri]

I am also considering killing myself because I feel so ugly and worthless.

I often cry myself to sleep because I'm so ugly and no pretty girl wants anything to do with me.

There is really no point being alive if you are both very ugly and very poor like me.

If you are ugly and rich then life is probably much more bearable for you but if you are both ugly and live in poverty then life can be very sad and depressing.

 

[I_waste_everything]

I am also considering killing myself because I feel so ugly and worthless.

I often cry myself to sleep because I'm so ugly and no pretty girl wants anything to do with me.

There is really no point being alive if you are both very ugly and very poor like me.

If you are ugly and rich then life is probably much more bearable for you but if you are both ugly and live in poverty then life can be very sad and depressing.

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I have flickers of feeling a way, describable by the same words.

I hope both that you overcome this, and that you stay aware that women sindon guiltless for that pain.