I am tired of faking it

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by lostinca, Jul 22, 2012.

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  1. lostinca

    lostinca Well-Known Member

    Hi there. I honestly don't now how much longer I can pretend that life is "ok." To make a long story short my life has been one bad decision after another for the last 3 years. If I could find a backspace button on life I wish I could press it and undo everything that I have done. I had to resign from my job in Sept 2010 (I was making great money, but I had a great spending problem). I am now unable to find any work despite looking every day and trying for almost every position. It is sad how much money can effect you and your attitute, but at this point I am unable to even keep a roof over my head. I broke up with my boyfriend of 5 1/2 years in November for someone who turned out to be nothing but complete lies, I moved a friend in and she had a crush on me and got rid of my cat so I kicked her out.
    I got back together with my possesive ex from when I was 19, I thought in the beginning "He's different, he's changed", No he hasn't he wants to monitor every move I make. My water and electric are about to be shut off at my house so I can't go back there (it's in the process of foreclosure anyway). I just feel trapped with no way out. Every month I worry about my car being repossesed because I can barely make the payments and on top of the the IRS is garnishing my wages from 2008 so this check will be less $400. Another bad decision.
    I have tried for assistance but I do not qualify and in all honesty I do not want any govt. assistance. I just turned 38 yesterday and I just thought that I would actually have a life figured out by now. I try to laugh and think its your 20's when life should be chaotic not your late 30's.
    I don't know what to do. I know what I want to do - sit in a corner and cry and give up on life but for some reason I keep going. I just don't know what to do or how to do anything. I don''t have a relationship with my family, I have 1 close friend, and I can't turn to my boyfriend for support. The only thing that keeps me going every day is my dog, but she would be better off without me.
    Thank you for listening to my rambling, I could go on but I don't want to bore anyone. Take care.
     
  2. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    Just wondering if your one close friend is someone you can trust this with--that is, talk to...& get some sound advice, as well as get these feelings off your chest in the presence of somebody you care deeply about? If not, have you thought about professional help? Are there any alternative means by which you may be able to do some sort of work? I hope that you can find a way to surround yourself with some more positive people, because it's no fun and no good when everyone is making things worse for you! Take Care & Best Wises.
     
  3. lostinca

    lostinca Well-Known Member

    Thank you very much for your reply. I can go to my best friend anytime day or night, however I feel like a burden telling her everything (she has marraige problems things like that). I try to tell myself that many many people are in a worse situation than myself and sometimes I feel like maybe I am just being a big baby about things, but in the back of my mind I am always thinking "How much is too much?" It just feels like the harder I try the worse things become. I can fake it to myself and keep saying things will improve but that only works for so long. Im sorry I am just having a bad day.
     
  4. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    Don't worry, we have bad days and sometimes, they never seem to be in short supply! I'm glad that you have your friend you can confide in, that's wonderful! I don't think that you've necessarily got to feel as though you have to fake it all the time... This, in and of itself, can be unhealthy: draining, putting on an act, overly distressing, etc. I would suggest just being yourself, and not worrying too much about what others think, or how you might even be judging yourself (too harshly). Oh, and it is a necessary evil with depression comes along a sense of unwanted burdening of others with our complaints and tiresome ways, but it usually isn't all that bad, it's just that the disease prefers to keep us sick--so that it can stick around--& one of the ways to do this best, is in the form of self-worth. So, in short, go easy on yourself! Good Luck.:)
     
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