Empathy Only I am truly terrified of the mindset that I've been forced in

[Cytrix]

I am not happy with the thoughts of having too many "go all the way or destroy everything" mindset I've been having. I am carefully orchestrating a plan to move away from my homestate to Iowa, to be around my adoptive mother. While being away from the continually manipulating and emotionally abusive father with a storied history of his antics and tyranny inflicted throughout my life.

But as I've been planning things, it feels like that I've instinctively and indirectly conjured some sort of self-destruction plan should one too many things go awry. Even including up to having to commit murder for the first and only time in my life before inevitably ending everything with myself because there's no way I'd ever be comfortable to continue living with the idea that a heinous act was committed. I already hold what feels like, tremendous amounts of weight on my shoulders with what I know in my life as is.

And I've been trying to focus on other plans to prevent from that ever happening, which is the moving one. It's just, he's not making this easy, because every conversation with him is just subtle reminders he wants to push into my mind about controlling this aspect and that aspect of my life. Continues to insult my independence because he knows we're in this cold-war like situation on the war for my independence that should never, ever have had to happen if he'd only have been a loving, caring and understanding father. Than being a parent that seen nothing but just figuring ways to control and only half-ass everything.

I haven't been enjoying a lot of what I feel I should enjoy in life from hobbies to so much as to just sit around, because of how invested I had to be in running numbers, checking dates and making sure everything ties together in some shape or fashion for the move.

 

[iloverachel]

Hey there! So sorry for your struggles with your abusive father and your other struggles of not enjoying life.
I hope you find a way around this, no one deserves to be abused by a parent
Also its easy to fall into a self destructing mindset when you are dealing with mental health issues as it can cause your brain to not think rationally and clearly. Hopefully everything goes well, I hope you get better

 

[Lady Wolfshead]

I really hope you can move and be away from your father. I certainly hope you can cut him out of your life without resorting to murder. I do understand how awful an abusive parent can be, and they can gaslight you and make you think you are at fault. Remember - you're not. Whatever your father says must be judged by the filter of his own manipulations/desires - it's always good to consider someone's intentions when they tell you something - do they have what's best for you in mind, or what's best for them? Are they criticizing you to help you, or to manipulate you for their own reasons.

Best wishes and hugs

 

[seabird]

Strength to you, to change things in your life, to feel safe and in control while the changes happen.

I hope setting in motion the self care you need and deserve doesn’t un-balance you, that you are going to be alright.

hug