I can't be here anymore

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by susannah, Jan 13, 2015.

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  1. susannah

    susannah Member

    I'm in my thirities and I've spent my whole life plagued by ocd, without even knowing that's what it was. I'd always struggled with anxiety but it was only last year, reading a book about anxiety, that I realised what it was. It was both a shock and a relief to find out. I've since worked hard on trying to cope with it - with cbt and books - and after years and years of unemployment, I managed to apply for a volunteer job at a charity shop - even filling in the form, my hands physically shook and I thought there would be no way they would even call me back. But they did (must have been desperate!) and even though it's only a few hours a week and my ocd tormented me really, really badly at times, I've managed to stick with it. And it did really boost my confidence. The people were nice and it felt good to just be able to do something.

    But now it's all going wrong again. I keep making silly mistakes because of my nervousness and last time we had a shoplifter in, when I was on the till, who took a lot. (They stood so that I couldn't see what they were doing, but I still feel as if it was all my fault) I feel as if I've ruined everything and they aren't going to want me as a volunteer anymore.

    But my bigger problem is how I still live at home with my mother, who is very verbally abusive - always has been. I'm sworn at constantly, called names like ''failure'' and ''embarassment'' and I have absolutely no way to escape. I have no money, I have no friends. I have a younger sister - who knows what she's like, but because she escaped to university and has thrived ever since, she doesn't want to even hear about. I hear from her about once a year, for about five minutes, and it's always because she wants a favour. She even once screamed at me when she was visiting and I was having (what I now know!) was a severe panic attack - I couldn't breathe and was sobbing about how I couldn't take it anymore - she rolled her eyes at me and told me she was ''going out with my friends - because I actually have some!'' - then left.

    She went on to travel the world - with financial support from my mum - and get promotions at work and now she's gotten engaged. She's coming back a few weeks from now for a huge engagement party that my relatives are throwing for her (who also barely even speak to me, unless they want something - and who make derisive comments about me in front of my face ....I stupidly even thought they'd be supportive of me getting the volunteer job, when it was the opposite .... they refuse to even ask me how it's going and the one time I tried to bring it up, - I can barely speak in front of them - which has always been made fun of- they said 'oh the stupid shop!' so I stopped)

    And I just can't take it anymore. Having to stand there, whilst everyone applauds her happiness in life, whilst I dread waking up every single day .... is going to be too much. Loads of other family members are coming and I physically will not be able to cope with it- I'll at the very least have to self harm badly to cope with the stress of it all. I made the mistake of admitting to my mum, that the way she treats me makes me want to kill myself and she calmly told me 'well that would solve a lot of problems''. Yesterday I had her screaming at me ''you're not normal!'' over and over again until I broke down, then she phoned up my sister to talk to her about the party.

    I just want to escape. I wish I had just ONE friend in the world, that i could just go stay with - even for a week or so. But I don't. I've screwed up the volunteer job and I've no chance of getting a paid one anytime soon (I can't even get an interview for anything). My ocd robbed me - I should have been able to gain independence when I was in my twenties, now I'm in my thirties and it's too late. I'm more trapped than I've ever been.

    There is no escape. And I physically cannot be here in a few weeks. I'm out of options. I've been suicidal since I was a teenager and deep down I guess I always thought something would happen to turn things round. I was wrong ....

    Sorry - this is all a mess and a waste of time - alot like me ...
  2. smwhorses

    smwhorses Well-Known Member

    I think you have mare huge strides by getting out and doing a job! There is nothing wrong and everything good about volunteering. It means a lot that you now know what your problems are and I am impressed with how well you are coping with no support. If you can find a Dr to talk to that might open up a lot more ways to help with coping.
    I think you are very brave!
    The shoplifter is not you fault.
    I too hated family get togethers. Is simply not going an option? Or will not going make your home life worse?
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You are not a security guard you had no way to know about the shoplifters If someone else was on till they too would not have known. Have they told you they do not want you back to volunteer position or have you walked away from it.
    There are many places that you can volunteer like a pet shelter nrsg homes talking to elderly helping feed them without stress of taking in money

    You can do what every you want ok Many people with ocd have gone on and made a life for themselves With therapy and proper medication you can live independant lifestyle Talk to your doctor find out what supports there are in communtiy and use them ok You do not have to stay in the toxic environment talk to mental health providers in your community about going into a group home even where people will understand and not judge you for who YOU are hugs
  4. CGMAngel

    CGMAngel SF Supporter

    susannah - like many of us, you are a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for. I say that as someone who knows only too well what an absolute nightmare it can be to fill out a form.

    If you'd like to chat with someone who feels similarly robbed of a "normal" life by OCD and anxiety, I would be happy to listen.
  5. susannah

    susannah Member

    Thanks so much for your replies, smwhorses, total eclipse and CGM Angel. They really mean a lot.

    I was at the shop today and when I said to my manager ''I'm sorry about the shoplifter'', he looked confused and said kindly, '' it wasn't YOUR fault''. I'm lucky that the managers there are really nice and today was a good day (although of course I still had lots of different ocd triggers .... I wonder if there will ever be a day when there aren't any, find it very hard to imagine.)

    I did try going to a doctor before and unfortunately got one that was very dismissive, so it always put me off going back, but I know I should try. I'm scared of going on medication, but if it would help I know I should.

    I still don't know how I'm going to cope with the party coming up. I really would be villified if I didn't go and yet will find it unbearable to endure.

    Thanks again for the replies. It's REALLY nice to hear people say supportive things for once.
  6. susannah

    susannah Member

    Well I'm in pieces again. Have just learnt the party is now suddenly this weekend, not next. Of course no-one bothered to tell me, I overheard my mum on the phone. My sister is coming tomorrow, with her AND her boyfriend AND another relative all staying here for two nights. (Again I wouldn't even know that - until they just turned up, barely saying 'hello' to me and then come in with all their bags. I am completely irrelevant and invisible to everyone.)

    I just can't cope. Again today, as always, I've had my mum shouting abuse at me and yet tomorrow she'll have her other face on, fawning all over my sister and everyone else and giving me dirty looks behind everyone's backs as she knows how miserable I am and she's glad - and I'll have my cold-hearted sister boasting of how happy she is, both of us knowing full well she wouldn't care if I dropped dead on the spot.

    Her and her boyfriend were here for a couple of days at christmas and it was hell. They talk non-stop to each other, rolling their eyes if I try to join in the conversation and laughing soooooo loudly about all these little private jokes they have - it sound crazy - but it's the sound of my sister laughing (whilst I'm in the bathroom self-harming) that always threatens to tip me over the edge for good.

    I just can't endure it any longer. I just CAN'T. This misery is just NEVER-ENDING ....
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