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I can't believe he has gone

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by Lostandbroken, Feb 22, 2016.

  1. Lostandbroken

    Lostandbroken New Member

    I don't know if any of you remember but I came on here asking for advice over a man who I had met who was perfect in every single way but had a fatal flaw, he was an addict who had relapsed.

    Despite my obvious determination to end the relationship, he worked hard to get me back, he got a job and started going to counselling, after a while, we got back together as I really thought he was trying. We were happy until may 2015, he would do anything for me and I really thought that I'd fell on my feet. But, then, I suspected he was using again, he denied it and convinced me that he'd stand by me to work with my trust issues, so I immediately got help. There were further clues to him using and finally in July, I decided to trust my gut, I didn't need him to admit it, I knew in my heart that he was and he was also lying about it. I ended the relationship there, ignored all calls and went to visit a friend in another country to get away from it all. Whilst I was over there, his parents were ringing me asking me to give him a bit of hope as he couldn't live without me. I refused to give in and ignored over 40 calls and messages from him also.

    When I returned from my friends, his parents begged me to ring him or go round as he said he was going to kill himself. I again said no but then decided I couldn't live with his death on my concious, so I went to his house and <mod edit - method>, an image that I will never forget. <mod edit - detail> and resuscitated him until the ambulance came, he lived and I was so distraught and vulnerable at that time, I didn't have the strength to walk away. I then found out I was pregnant before I'd ended the relationship and somehow it seemed like we'd all been given a second chance. Sadly I miscarried which was devestating. We stayed together a while longer but guess what, I suspected that he was using again. He was getting diagnosed left right and centre for aspergers, bipolar, depression etc, but in all honesty if he had given up the drugs, I'm sure many of his issues would have got better. I struggled to deal with finding him <mod edit - method>, was put on anti depressants and signed off work.

    Our relationship was turbulent to say the least, I didn't want to be in it but he placed me at the centre of his world and often threatened to kill himself should I leave him, which I was only too ready to believe with that image haunting me. Several incidents happened, he tried to break into my house, <mod edit - method> when I asked him to leave so I contacted the police who charged him with harassment, he broke his bail conditions (not to contact me by any means) and with a heavy heart, in October, I rang the police again and they bailed him again with the same conditions (not to contact me) but told him in no uncertain terms that he'd go straight to prison if he broke them again. I was still receiving counselling at this point and I was working towards understanding how he was manipulating me and I was growing stronger every day. Sadly, he broke them and no matter what I thought was right or wrong, I could not bring myself to tell the police as I knew he'd go to jail. The calls got worse, he rang me over and over the desperation in his voice was heartbreaking, I knew we couldn't be together but I couldn't help being there for him. He stopped for a while in December and I started to feel better and returned to work. He started posting on Facebook pictures of his <mod edit - detail> and saying he was going to kill himself, every time he did this, rather than contacting him to see if he was okay, I rang the police and they would visit him. The retraining order was still in place but the phonecalls didn't stop.

    Valentine's evening came, he kept ring and ringing, I knew he was desperate but fought with all my strength not to answer and then finally gave in, we argued, I shouted at him, I was probably the meanest that I've ever been to him in a desperate attempt to make him stop. Eventually, after 30 phonecalls, I told him that I'd had enough, we weren't in a relationship so stop contacting me. He asked me if I was seeing someone else and I told him it was none of his business.

    The next day the police arrived at my door, I knew as soon as I opened it what they were going to say. He had committed suicide, I don't remember much else apart from screaming and crying. The last week has been a blur.... I'm not even sure what day it is. His family have asked me not to attend his funeral as they believe the last time we spoke had made him kill himself.

    I am devastated beyond belief, I can't cope with the guilt and the fact that he made such a final decision based on my words.

    Thanks for listening X
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 23, 2016
  2. wolvenmum

    wolvenmum Member

    im so sorry this happened. i don't think you should blame yourself. I'm in no position to give advice but i can tell you i empathise completly. I know what its like to feel responible for others pain and choices. i think you just need to understand its not your fault. it was his choice. you tried to help and when he refused you were brave and did the right thing by leaving. i can only hope things get better for you and you have the chance to heal and forgive yourself because really from what i understand you weren't responible for his choice. others might comfort or advise better then me but i couldn't just pass by after reading your story as its similiar to my own in terms of feeling guilty for a loved ones bad choices and feeling like its my own fault for not fixing the problem for them. maybe i should take myown advice and tell myself im not a fault just like your not at fault for protecting yourself. hope this helped even if its just too know someone read your story and cares
  3. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I'm sorry for your lost, but you aren't responsible for it. Try not to feel guilty and please take care of yourself. Reach out for help, whether that is friends, family or professionals.
  4. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I am so, so sorry for your loss.

    Please don't blame yourself hun, this was his own decision.
    Please seek some help, grief counselling, therapy, anything. Don't go alone with this!

    Take care of yourself!
  5. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I am sorry for your pain, and while people always want to lay blame the truth is nobody is responsible for suicide except the individual- period and without qualifications. You treated this person with all the kindness you were able for as long as you were able and anything else that happened is not on you.
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I am so very sorry for your huge loss. You must remember that this is NOT your fault, we are all responsible for our own actions. I think you might benefit from grievance counselling. Sorry to hear about your miscarriage as well. You have been through hell you poor thing. Know we are here for you through this and we will try and help you up the best we can!! *hugs*