Hi all, I used to post here on a different account, but I forgot my password so I started a new one. I'm really sorry if that's not allowed but I have nowhere else to go. I'm so beaten and broken down and I don't know what to do. The only thing keeping me from attempting suicide is the risk of disabling myself & making my quality of life even worse. If not, I would have done something long ago. I've been depressed & suicidal for seven years. My mind feels like it's being tortured every waking moment. I feel so disgusted with the way I look that every second spent being aware of my own existence makes me feel awful. Nothing is fun for me anymore... movies, books, music, games. It's all mush.
I have no one to talk to or spend time with. I have no friends. My family members couldn't care less about me. My family is so dysfunctional and my mom and I have huge fights at home over family issues that always result in me being screamed at and insulted. I feel like she's bullying me because I'm the only one around - my parents are divorced and my sibling live abroad. Every time I retaliate, she spins it around into "elder abuse" & me being unable to regulate my emotions. I feel miserable at home. My father, who lives away from my mom & I, rarely ever wants to spend time with me anymore and I don't really have much of a relationship with my elder sister anymore. I had a counsellor that I liked but she's leaving the military soon so I won't have anymore sessions with her. The only mental health professionals I'm seeing now are the military psychiatrists and psychologists, who are utterly useless. I remember pleading to them, pre-enlistment, about how suicidal the prospect of conscription made me feel but they didn't care. I still had to serve. And they won't help me ween off antidepressants, even though I feel even worse on them than I did before.
My entire life revolves around work. I work so hard, no matter how terrible I feel. I earn $3 an hour serving my mandatory military service and I can't help but feel so disheartened earning so little considering how hard I work... some of my colleagues only have 2-3 hours worth of work to do every day, but I'm usually working every hour from 8am to 5pm aside from my lunch hour. I'm fortunate to have kind superiors & colleagues, but I utterly despise serving in the military and I wouldn't care if we lose the next war to be honest. I don't have the emotional energy to do anything outside of work. Nothing is fun for me and I hate going out and seeing other people. Almost everyone else looks better than me. Almost everyone is surrounded by friends & family who love them. Everyone else has something to live for. I feel like I'm window shopping for things I'll never be able to afford. I don't even have anyone to go out with. My mom wants to go out with me all the time but I struggle to put the issues at home past me. She's dragged me into the problems between her and my father ever since I was 11 years old, and if I protest I'm met with more shouting.
I have no one in the entire world. I have nowhere to go. I just have to live through my pain. I just push and push and push and push through work and through the day but I'm dying. There's nothing I can do to make my life better. People just tell me that I need to be patient and wait until next September, when I finish my mandatory military service and am able to relocate overseas for uni and start my life for good, but when every day is as unbearable as it is right now, another 16 months like this is unimaginable. I feel like I'm on fire but no one sees it or at least cares. No one knows how much pain I'm in. No one cares. I'm just totally trapped without any respite during my waking moments. I truly have nothing to live for and I know that no matter how terrible I feel, no one in my life will care.
I have no one to talk to or spend time with. I have no friends. My family members couldn't care less about me. My family is so dysfunctional and my mom and I have huge fights at home over family issues that always result in me being screamed at and insulted. I feel like she's bullying me because I'm the only one around - my parents are divorced and my sibling live abroad. Every time I retaliate, she spins it around into "elder abuse" & me being unable to regulate my emotions. I feel miserable at home. My father, who lives away from my mom & I, rarely ever wants to spend time with me anymore and I don't really have much of a relationship with my elder sister anymore. I had a counsellor that I liked but she's leaving the military soon so I won't have anymore sessions with her. The only mental health professionals I'm seeing now are the military psychiatrists and psychologists, who are utterly useless. I remember pleading to them, pre-enlistment, about how suicidal the prospect of conscription made me feel but they didn't care. I still had to serve. And they won't help me ween off antidepressants, even though I feel even worse on them than I did before.
My entire life revolves around work. I work so hard, no matter how terrible I feel. I earn $3 an hour serving my mandatory military service and I can't help but feel so disheartened earning so little considering how hard I work... some of my colleagues only have 2-3 hours worth of work to do every day, but I'm usually working every hour from 8am to 5pm aside from my lunch hour. I'm fortunate to have kind superiors & colleagues, but I utterly despise serving in the military and I wouldn't care if we lose the next war to be honest. I don't have the emotional energy to do anything outside of work. Nothing is fun for me and I hate going out and seeing other people. Almost everyone else looks better than me. Almost everyone is surrounded by friends & family who love them. Everyone else has something to live for. I feel like I'm window shopping for things I'll never be able to afford. I don't even have anyone to go out with. My mom wants to go out with me all the time but I struggle to put the issues at home past me. She's dragged me into the problems between her and my father ever since I was 11 years old, and if I protest I'm met with more shouting.
I have no one in the entire world. I have nowhere to go. I just have to live through my pain. I just push and push and push and push through work and through the day but I'm dying. There's nothing I can do to make my life better. People just tell me that I need to be patient and wait until next September, when I finish my mandatory military service and am able to relocate overseas for uni and start my life for good, but when every day is as unbearable as it is right now, another 16 months like this is unimaginable. I feel like I'm on fire but no one sees it or at least cares. No one knows how much pain I'm in. No one cares. I'm just totally trapped without any respite during my waking moments. I truly have nothing to live for and I know that no matter how terrible I feel, no one in my life will care.
