I can't live without love anymore

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Viktor, Oct 2, 2014.

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  1. Viktor

    Viktor Well-Known Member

    I just can't anymore. I fell in love with one girl again. Again that girl has a boyfriend. Even though, we are friends, it hurts that i can't be with her. On top of that, i know her only from internet. I know how weird it is to fall in love with person whom i know only from internet. But my feelings are so extremely sensitive these days. She once sent me a letter (physical letter) where she wrote nice supportive words to make me smile. When i have read it, i started crying. And i just couldn't stop my feelings from not falling love with her. I got hurt so many times before. Fell in love with girls that wasn't interested in me or had boyfriend. I was always suffering so much. After one big suffering, i gave up on women. Started playing online games more, etc... and i managed to forget about women for a few years. But who am i kidding? I can't live without love. It's like my head knows that i will only suffer again if i will try for some girl again, but my heart doesn't care. There always appears someone and i fall in love whether i want it or not and i just suffer so bad. No one will ever understand how much i need love. How much i need some nice woman close to me, who would love me. That is why i keep trying, even though i know it will hurt. But i am so desperate. Like i'm not depressed enough already from being lonely and unemployed. This is always the last thing that gets me down on knees. Then i can't really concentrate on anything else. This is so bad feeling. I feel weird shaking feeling in my hands. It's like no way i could get up and searching for job now. I am 31 years old now, god damn it. I never truly was with woman yet. I feel so worthless. Crying every day. Imagining when i'm falling asleep in night that some woman sleeps next to me and holds my hand. These days (or nights) i'm imagining that woman i currently love. I'm actually holding my own hand in night. Imagining that it is some woman that holds me. I'm even kissing my own hand. This is so bad guys :'( I'm feeling like i'm going really crazy :'( I just want to be with her. No one would love her as much as i do. I always love so purely. I don't care about whether that girl is employed, where she lives, how she lives, how much money she has. All that matters to me is to be with her. Even if she was homeless. I would be with her homeless. People always need other stuff in love, like those i mentioned. I just need the love. I would give up on everything else just to be with her :'( I am so tired. It hurts so much that i can't almost breath now. My life is running away. Years are passing one after another and my life is not changing. I just cannot be alone anymore. Nobody can't imagine what i feel. Oh god... i want to be with her so bad :'(
  2. random33

    random33 Well-Known Member

    You have it very rough, but you must not lose hope. Life is strange and I know you probably heard it a million times before, but when you least expect it amazing things happen, you just have to be patient and do something about it. You need to meet new people, use something like meetup to find and interact with people who have the same interests as you, it may be hard for you now if you are depressed, but if you can you should give it a try.

    Be carefull tough, when a person is alone for long periods of time or when one loses hope on finding someone, it is very easy to fall "in love", but sometimes this feeling is not real, you just try to convince yourself (not on purpose) that you are in love in order to avoid being alone, the same way that depression twists our toughts, loneliness also does this reagarding our feelings for other people, this causes even more pain in the long term.

    At 31 you are still young, and I find that relantionships are a lot easier in our thirties, sure there a lot of people already married or in a relantionship, but there a still a lot of single people out there and at 30 something people are more mature and know better what they want.

    I think that you just need to meet new people with similar interests, use meetup, be yourself, relax and go from there, if you feel that you are interested in someone evaluate your feelings well and then make a move, there is no fear in this, women are just like us, they are not some alien race, they to need and want companionship and love.

    Best of luck. You are not crazy :)
  3. Viktor

    Viktor Well-Known Member

    Thank you for your answer Random.

    How many times i didn't expect it and nothing amazing has happened. You are correct. People are telling me this all the time, like "don't worry, love will come", etc... How many years i listened to it? I am suffering like this for 11 years already and i'm hearing this for 11 years. When the love will come then? When something amazing will happen? When i'm 60 years old? I wanna experience the young love.
    Yea, i believe there are a lot of single people out there that have maybe same interests as me and maybe even suffers from loneliness as me and dying to be loved. But how should i find them? I live in stupid Czech republic. I didn't find a single woman like that in this shithole. No one has time, everybody hunts just their f*cking career. Nobody cares about person who is capable of pure love here. That person i fell in love with is perfect. Well, maybe not perfect, but who asks for perfection, right? But she is beautiful and also awesome person. And she speaks to me so nicely. I always smile when i'm talking with her. It almost feels like we are together and i'm happy at that moment. Well, then i find that we are not together and i start crying. But this is the person i have been looking for in my country. So we should be together. Naturally, nothing should prevent us to be together. But hey, she lives in Germany. And it suddenly makes things difficult. Because, if i moved to her, i would have to find job there and do more stuff that are needed for that. Yet, i don't speak german, so i would be lost. Nobody would employ me etc... Same goes to her if she wanted to move to me. Well, she also has boyfriend, so it's hopeless anyway. But the point is that again, world system (read more here if you wanna know better what i'm talking about http://www.suicideforum.com/showthread.php?134919-System ) prevents me from being happy. And i'm sick of all that. The world is bigger than my tiny country. I wanna look for love in whole world to have better chance and i want to be able to reach her normally without any stupid issues.

    I don't know what meetup you are talking about, but i am not party boy and i don't like getting drunk somewhere, etc.. I am more discrete person. I am also introvert. I don't know where else to go to find love. The think is, i found one, but i can't be with her :'(
    I so wanna run to her. I feel so terrible. I am completely out of any will. I really can't go out and search for job, even though i should. I am sick of that. The true source of my life problems is that i'm alone for so long. I don't have love. I know that if i was with her, i would get that strength again to fight. But i am not with her and i em out of any strength. And i am worried about myself. Because time is running out and my money are running out :'(
  4. Viktor

    Viktor Well-Known Member

    Oh god, this hurts so much. I am hyper-venting here now a lot, if you know what i mean. I am breathing fast, because i feel so much panic, fear, doubts and sadness. I love that girl so much. I can't make it stop. No matter how much logic i tell to myself why i should not love this person, i still keep wanna talking to her all the time. Unfortunate love with combination of depression of loneliness is extremely bad. I feel like i need talking to her all the time. Today i tried so hard not to write her. So hard. But it's almost impossible. But once she tells me some kind or friendly words, it calms me down and i feel ok. Well, only until it starts again. The worst thing is when i think that she doesn't care. That she is probably getting tired of me. She says she doesn't, but i think she does. It's all so stupid and i know that. But i can't make it stop. It feels so heavy. I absolutely cannot cut contact with her. I like her god damn it. I can't cut contact with someone i like. The problem with my case is that part of me wants to love her. Because i am depressed because of loneliness, because of lack of love in my life. It i am alone like this way too long and it got to the point when i am totally desperate now. And imagine that there appears a girl that is exactly to my taste if it comes for personality as well as her look. I am simply unable to resist that. And when i know that i can't have that girl, i am trapped in so much pain, that i think it was never worse. I always think it can't be worse, but it seems it can. I never felt so bad. All those thoughts are circling in my head like "why she won't answer when she's there?", "does she had enough of me?". The thing is she told me that we are friends and that she is always there for me, but usually when i need her most, she isn't there. She doesn't talk to me much anymore. I need her more. My mind can be eased only by talking to her. I even drew her portrait. Portrait of her. Before she wanted to see it, even though it was finished just in 30%. But she loved it so much anyway. She said it made her cry, because nobody ever done anything nice like that for her. When i completed black and white version, i shown that to her. She said she love it, but that joy wasn't so high as before. Today, i finally added colors and background. But she isn't there. She actually is there, but she doesn't talk. She sometime doesn't even check my message, even though she is there. Before, it was her who told me to show her that portrait again once i complete it in black and white, because she so wanted to see it. Now, i told her i have completed it with colors and background. I told her once she'll have time, if she could write me, because i wanna send it to her. It was one hour ago. She just sent me smile emoticon. Well, smiling emoticon is sure better than sad emoticon, right? But damn, she doesn't wanna see that portrait anymore? She was so excited before, like "hurry hurry, send it to me, i wanna see it" and now just smile? :'( She is simply fed up by me :'( But i am so scared to ask her if it's true. She told me many times that she isn't fed up. But everything shows like she is. Damn internet. It shouldn't suppose to be like this. I wanna meet person that i like or love. But all i can do is chatting online and can't see what she thinks when she sees my message. I wanna talk to her normally face to face. I am suffering here really bad. And i can't make it stop. I love her so much. I wanna hug her so much and hold her whole day. If i had the opportunity to hug her, i'd start crying from happiness immediately on her shoulder. I feel like i am love that has been embodied, but is surpassed under extreme pressure and waiting to explode on some person to which i would give all that love from me and i would feel such a relief. That's how i feel.
  5. Viktor

    Viktor Well-Known Member

    And now it happened. She got fed up. She is starting new job on 15.10. She had time now, so i was chatting with her a lot. I accidentally asked her if she is looking forward to rest from our chatting once she'll start working, because she sometimes answers the way, you are never sure. And that question offended her. She said she will take break now. I should have never ask that. It killed me now. I have no strength in me to get over it. I have nobody now. No friends, no one. Chatting with her was giving me strength. Why it always must be like that? Why everyone must abandoning me? I asked her annoying question, but that also means that i am scared that i could lose her. I was just making sure that i won't. Means i care for our friendship. I really don't know what will i do now. You can't imagine how it's all hard for me. I have no strength to get over it anymore. Nobody to talk to :'(
  6. random33

    random33 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry to hear about that, but maybe now you can start to move on, as I said in your other thread seek help and start the healing process, your heart is now broken, but it will heal.

    You deserve love, but you have been looking for it in the wrong places, falling in love with someone that is already in a commited relantionship hardly ever ends well, someone is going to have their hearts broken.

    Being in your position is hard now, you feel drained, heart broken and empty, but please gather the bit of strenght you have and seek help, you WILL get better. Focus on getting better now, just that, in time your mind will be clearer, you will have your strenght back and you can start taking steps towards finding frinds and a significant other, you are still very young, just don't give up.

    We will be here to support you the best we can all steps of the way. I know we are not "real people" we are just strangers on the other side of the screen, but WE DO CARE, I care about you, I really do even tough I don't know you personally, I know you are a good person and I want the best for you.
  7. Viktor

    Viktor Well-Known Member

    Turns out, things aren't that bad with her. She didn't take it so seriously and forgave me. She see friend in me but this is just a ticking bomb anyway i think. I am just a guy on the internet that talks to her a lot. Everyone else around her are more important for her. That's for sure. I am dreaming about being with her every day. If i could hug her, i would hold her whole day and crying from happiness.

    I have absolutely no strength in me to get over bad stuff that happens to me. Everything is many times harder for me than it would be for any other person that doesn't have any other problems. I know what you are saying, but i can't make it stop. It was never so strong with any other girl before. I am terribly lonely and that is for me hard already and yet this girl came into it. It's too much. It is simply too much. I have visited psychologist on friday. I posted it in my other thread that is more related to the depression.
  8. Viktor

    Viktor Well-Known Member

    I know you probably don't know what to say anymore, but i feel like getting help from doctor or psychologist won't help me. I am trapped in this so bad. Few years ago, i had the strength to get over it. It just did hurt a lot. But this is different. My psychic is so sensitive today that falling in love with this girl and that i cannot have her is for me so devastating, that i fear like this is over for me. The only help i could feel from someone right now is that that someone would make her love me. Or at least not ignoring me and be friend with me and talking to me. Just a few kind words that would let me know that she still cares would make me feel better for a day. And if she decided to stay with me, i would be healed immediately. But that's not happening. And knowing that doesn't really makes me stronger. I am trapped because i miss love today on so serious level that nobody can even imagine. And how will i find love like this? No girl will get interested in me, when i am sad. And since no girls are interested in me, i am sad. So i am trapped in this circle from which there is no escape. I never felt lost more than now :'(
  9. Event_Horizon

    Event_Horizon SF Supporter

    I just read your thread. You really are painfully alone it seems. I think you need real world connection, but you are certainly up against it. I don't think you should give up on therapy just yet, it all takes time and will feel like it is getting worse before it gets better. Depression is going to be a barrier to you working and being independent and finding people any way, so you need to stick it out and see if it helps you. It is also harder to meet people and form a connection that does not seem overly needy if you are depressed. It comes down to priorities. What is the core problem right now?

    It is depression from everything I am reading. You are also going insane from loneliness. So that needs to be looked at. In truth we all live only inside our own heads. We are alone as a natural state of being, so you have to learn to be okay with aloneness. Okay with yourself. Because you are always stuck with you regardless of how the world changes or where you go. If you are okay with you, you will find it is easier to interact with people, because everything is not so intense as all or nothing. I MUST MAKE FRIENDS, I MUST MEET A WOMAN or my life has no meaning.

    Instead you can be you, socially interacting and see where it leads. But you have to work on priorities and be patient with yourself. See the depression as your enemy and some of the ways you think as your enemy and then defeat or contain that enemy. I know longing is painful but to get to where you want to be is long road, you have taken that step. Now you need to let go enough to journey forward and examine how you think and where you can change things and where you need to work on things. Self development and awareness of how you think is never a bad thing. You have to strengthen yourself because the truth is few people want broken things in their lives. Not unless love already exists for them at least.

    You got to fight for yourself first, before you can fight for love.
  10. Viktor

    Viktor Well-Known Member

    I would answer more, but i am not really in mood for it now, so i will just say that i can't. I can't fight for myself first when i'm alone like this. I'm sick of doing stuff just for myself only. I don't feel motivated. And i didn't choose that. But since because of that, no woman will ever get interested in me, i am doomed to be trapped in this circle forever.
  11. Viktor

    Viktor Well-Known Member

    So i was today on my first shift in my new job. I'm working as guardian in shopping center. And it's not work, it's suffering. Imagine standing 12 hours on one place and just staring in front of you. The physical pain of my body was terrible at the second half of the shift, but physical pain is not so much problem as it takes just about 14 days till your body gets use to it and then it doesn't hurt anymore. The psychic is problem. Especially for me. Standing in one place and just staring in front of you for 12 hours is terrible for me, because i have time to think about stuff. Stuff like for whom am i doing this? That i will come back home and i will find myself alone. Yet in that work i am alone too. It's forbidden for me to talk with other people in shops who works there around to occupy my mind somehow. In last 3 hours, i was brain-dead. I couldn't concentrate what kind of people are coming there and who i should stop. I was like in limbo. I couldn't see, i couldn't hear. I was just looking and i was making this sound: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YStUg14_23o&feature=youtu.be&t=29s Then when i was on my way home, i had glossy eyes. Because i wanted to cry so much. Because i was thinking that this i will have to do every day. Without end. My mind was so much full of that it's useless to work. That i'm doing this just for myself. And i felt so lonely in this. No one texting me when i'm on break, then i went home and again, i felt dinner from the other apartment and i started to cry. Knowing that it doesn't come from my apartment. And again, when i opened, i found nothing but darkness. My emotions exploded when i entered and i started to cry a lot.
    The sad thing is, i knew what i'm getting into with this job. I knew what this job is about. Yet i took it. Why? Because.... i want someone to notice that i'm trying to work on myself. Some girl i mean. But i come home and i'm lonely. I have panic anxiety when i return home. I want someone to ask me how was my day in work. I want someone to hug me, kiss me and give me energy so that i could have strength for another day. I can't do it alone, just for myself. There is nothing i could get the energy from. Yet girls finds sexy only when you try for yourself first. I am so trapped. And i'm so scared :'( I feel like i wanna scream for help. But that would be even less sexy. When you are a man and you have such feelings, then your gender is your curse when your feeling is about lack of love.
  12. Viktor

    Viktor Well-Known Member

    Guess no one wants to answering me anymore :(
  13. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN SF Author

    You are right that working on yourself is a good step to finding someone to share your life with - but you do not have to stay in this job you hate. Use the time when you get home to look for other jobs - jobs where you will have people to talk to. Maybe the time at work will be more bearable if you know that it is only temporary because you are looking for something better.

    I know how awful it is to be lonely, and to come home to a dark and empty home every day. Work is only one part of your life - you need to look for things to do socially to surround yourself with people. Join some groups. If you really want to meet women, try something like joining a singing group - there are always LOTS more women than men in those things and it won't be socially awkward because you will be doing something (it doesn't even matter if you don't sing well!)

    You have made a good start - you just need to keep moving forward - make new plans and find a job that does not cause you as much pain.
  14. sweetles

    sweetles Well-Known Member

    Viktor, hello. First i must tell you how much i admire your strength and perserverance. You may not see yourself as strong, but I know you have been suffering for a long time yet still you go on and keep trying.

    Others can relate to your pain. I feel much as you do. I am a 34yr old woman who comes home to an empty apartment every night. I have no friends offline or not many thousands of miles away...no close friend period. The only calls or texts i get are either from work, or horny men who've used my body like a cumdump in the past hoping to do so again. No one asks me out anyplace, no one tells me happy birthday or happy new year or even good morning. My job pays crap and i can't afford even the basics to get by. I have many health problems but no health insurance so can do nothing about it.

    And all I ever wanted in life was love...to be special to someone, to give all of myself and be appreciated. My one and only real relationship ended 5 yrs ago, and absolutely devastated me. He said he loved me but couldn't deal with my mental and emotional issues anymore. And now he is living with the true love of his life who is actually model gorgeous. He is raising HER child, yet made me have an abortion when I became pregnant. She is treated like a princess, where I was literally his slave, and proud and happy for that privilege. Giving allll of myself, completely, only led to the bleak lonely existence i have now, where on my days off from work I don't even hear the sound of my own voice.

    It is so easy for most people....connections, relationships, even love. They don't even question their value to others. But for a few of us its all just a cruel joke. You are not alone Viktor. And I do not believe your journey is complete. Just a gut feeling of mine. I see contentment in your future. And I'll be sending you positive vibes from the other side.
  15. Viktor

    Viktor Well-Known Member

    Thank you. Yes, it sure is temporarily. Because if i won't find another job, i will probably quit anyway. Just standing on one place and looking and do nothing else for 12 hours is driving me crazy. I don't know if i will find another job. I've been trying. I don't have luck in that. I have no luck in anything. So it's hard to believe i would find anything better. They accepted me in this job because they aren't choosing who they gonna accept. They WANT more people to work for them because no one wanna do this crap.

    Hi Sweetles, thank you for your nice message. I think it's clear that your ex-partner is asshole. But maybe you could try some dating sites. You women have it easier than mans if it comes for finding partner. On dating sites, women are getting 100 - 1000 (sometime even more) messages per day from mans, while mans are getting let's say 0 - 20 messages per year. This fact i have verified. If you fill your profile on dating site completely, add your photos, you have a good chance. I have my profile completely filled, including photos and i am getting... well, i think i got zero messages in the last year. Only some negative replies to my messages. So now i'm doing this: http://www.suicideforum.com/showthr...sible-natural-and-very-strong-anti-depressant
    This is great example of my extreme desperation. I never actually come to her just for sex. I just wanna hold her and feel some love. It's probably pretended from her site, since i am paying her. But i visited her 6 times already. The same girl. Last visit was yesterday. And this is what i made for her yesterday:
    Before it was pancakes and then baked pancakes with curd. And then one salty food. She loved all of it. We was eating it together. I am also bringing her flowers. And well, 75€ also. Why the food and the flowers? Because i love her. It's crazy, i know. I am trapped in this. I need to keep visiting her because i miss her and paying her lots of money for one hour. I am also offering her that we can talk only and not to have sex. But she's always fine with sex. But next time we will probably just talk, because i wanna tell her everything. I mean, she probably knows. I told her twice that i like her. But now i wanna tell her honestly what i feel. You can see how i can try for some potential love. Those pies took me whole day to make. You think i would be making them just for myself? No way. There is no motivation in it. Just as working. But i am trying, so that i wouldn't get hungry. Doing job that is terrible. Forcing myself into it, while i have zero motivation for it. Doing it just because of this bulls*it: http://www.suicideforum.com/showthread.php?134919-System&highlight=
  16. Viktor

    Viktor Well-Known Member

    Things are getting only worse and worse. My semi-boss started to bullying me a little in work. As if the job is not hellish enough already. Every time i finish my shift after 12 hours, it's like stepping out of hell. And after that hell, i need something nice to happen to me. And what better would be for me if some woman showed interest in me. So i joined another dating site. Well, erotic one this time. And it's paid. I heard paid dating sites are better, because people there are more serious to find partner there. And it doesn't matter if it's erotic dating site. Either sex or normal date would be ok for me. From both alternatives i can build some relationship. So i wrote many women already. Some answered with quite big interest. They said that they would like to meet me. So i started to plan the meeting, but from that point, they always stopped replying. One of them seemed so nice and she had such a beautiful smile (well on her picture). She asked me where i would like to go with her, because she said that she would like to go out somewhere since it was pretty awesome weather. So i offered her that we could go to Zoo. She was happy with that idea. She said she loves animals and that it's been long since she was in Zoo. She said she will let me know during this week, when she will have time but she didn't. She was online during the week, but she didn't even reading my messages. I was writing her. And it was similar scenario with more women on that site. They always showed interested but then they started to ignore me. I now suspect if these profiles was even real. Since it's paid site, i'm thinking if some webmasters doesn't replying me like that to create some hope in me, so that i keep paying for that site. It wouldn't surprise me, since people are capable of anything today for business. Even such disgusting things. So nothing nice is happening for me. Only false hopes. And on Tuesday i need to go that that crepy work again with not strengthened psychic at all. And do you know what is sad? One hooker started to writing me on that site. Telling me stuff like she will make me feel nice, etc... I told her that i don't wanna pay money to girl so that she would stay with me for a while anymore. That i want it to be real for a change. She was still replying me. Always very soon after i sent her message. Such girl is replying me. Not ignoring me at all. Just because of some focking money. But when i wanna have some nice time with some girl and go with her to Zoo, it's a problem. I can't have that. I am so tired people, you can't imagine. I am in tears here all days now. Everything is so fake in this age. You know why i keeping myself in that work? I have money now and i would be ok without job for few years. But i'm keeping myself in that work so that when some girl asks me what i do, i would have something to answer. It sounds bad when i say that i do nothing. But it's so hard. I don't need this. I don't need to listen some asshole there that makes it even harder for me. I feel so lonely. God, i just want someone to love :'(
  17. Viktor

    Viktor Well-Known Member

    So i just found that this is true. It's really awesome. It does not surprise me, as i said, but it's always... how do i put it... It's just unbelievable. It's more and more making me hate business. In business, everything is fake. People are lying, are fake, creating stupid rules for employees that makes your life harder for nothing! To all of you who does such bullshit things, GO FUCK YOURSELF!!

  18. Viktor

    Viktor Well-Known Member

    Sorry about the last word. I'm just really disappointed.
  19. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    There are plenty of real dating sites of all types out there. And I would agree paid memberships are generally better. If the "dating" site you are looking at resembles a porn site in anyway - things like "100's of women that want to have sex now" you can be reasonably sure it is a scam and that is what it sounds like to me. Realistically as a single male on an internet site if you are getting a positive reply to more than about one in 20 emails you can figure are no real people, just a bunch of bot accounts. This is not a reason to think business sucks- it is not business - it is just another internet scam by the same type of people that send out spam emails about your fortune in Nigeria that they need help to move.

    If you are unsure if is an actual dating site or not start with a free account. If you have women sending you messages without you sending them first with a free account you can be 100% sure it is a fraud/scam. That goes with any genre of dating site - because simple fact is single males outnumber females about 75 to 1 on dating sites- it is the most competitive environment in the world for a guy to get a date in. Imagine going to to a bar or nightclub with with 300 people in it and 4 are females- those are the odds a single guy are looking at on the average internet dating sites. Remember the adage- if it sounds too good to be true it probably is- and if you have never had women coming up and asking you for dates or talking to you one after the next before and it happens when you join an internet site the same applies.
  20. Viktor

    Viktor Well-Known Member

    Thank you for your reply and i agree with you. I will try another paid dating site which was recommended to me by many people who said that people are usually find partner there. That one is not erotic, but normal.

    But, you didn't understand the part about the scam profiles on the erotic dating site. Those profiles aren't bots or some users who just wanna make fun of you. Those profiles are made by moderators of that website and when you write to such profile, they will usually reply to you positively. Tells you that they wanna meet you or even wanna have sex with you. All in the name of some woman. They even put fake pics on that profile ofc. They do this in order to keep me on that website so that i keep paying them monthly fees or other users who are paying for that service. That's why i say that business sucks in general. Because this is good example of how far people are willing to go for business/money. Well, this example is really too much, for sure and i'm not saying scamming like this is happening everywhere. But stuff like creating stupid rules in job for employees that prevents you to do some normal human stuff in order to be the best for the customers are happening a lot. And more such examples.

    I know very well how women has it much easier on dating sites.
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