I can't, or don't do anything

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by justMe7, Apr 27, 2013.

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  1. justMe7

    justMe7 Well-Known Member

    Idk what's wrong with me. If I were to summerise, I feel like everything that's made me who I am, that I've built up into and around myself through my life has gone. I feel like im laying flat in a soft goo of something.. and it's just full of not caring. I struggle to just formulate a desire, a thought, a dream, a moment so I can feel want. Or the need to do or try to achieve something. But I just.. dont. It fizzles, or a collapses, or a wave of something else smuthers it with this "content" "nothing".
    I dont feel strong anymore.. i dont feel the care .. i feel like a fireman surrounded by pyromaniacs and careless people.. why care.. why consistantly try and care when it gets ticked down. I found it hard enough to make something on my own, let alone dealing with the lack of care from everyone around me.

    I really cant handle much more of this.. im alive in my nightmare of disgusting lifestyle, failure in society, and an abundent waste of physical and mental capability. And iM still breathing. I cant... figure this out. I cant retain.. then i dont care.

    idk.. i loath following or being helped. I hate myself so much for my situation all the time because it's always there. .. oh dear. idk
     
  2. thekindlove

    thekindlove Member

    im sorry your feeling so terrible that your numb. i get that way also. this last 6 months i lost my marriage, my drivers license, got divorced, lost custody of my kids, my professional license and i could go on. i have done all the cycles of grieving and come to the place of 'not caring' also. im an analytically oriented person and i have gotten thru by learning all i can about my depression and ptsd and i believe that my feelings truly are all chemical in origin...i have learned everyones feelings...every feeling i have..thoughts included are all chemical transmission.

    my chemicals are messed up, some other ppl might be fine....even though i think that to one degree or another we all struggle with depression, mine has affected my life greatly and very gravely.

    so im in this state of no caring like you are....for me i consider it a by product of all ive been thru in life and the mental health and substance abuse issues on top of it.

    it helps me to look at what i can control in life whehter i care about the decision or not and then to make a decision that is acceptable to me.

    its something i have been trying to do and i have a better sense of control over my life and a little less of that 'impotent' feeling .....because if i dont feel i can affect change in my life or others..why care?

    i am realizing that there are things i can change in my life that could have a positive effect on others.

    an example.

    yesterday i was suicidal... i reminded myself that this is a choice. i thought about it rationally and objectively and realized once again( i get suicidal frequently) that if i complete suicide i can never make amends, never go back, never have a voice, and never be able to answer those that love me. i realized that this isnt acceptable to me for the MILLIONTH time...it is a circular loop that never goes away entirely but i still have choices to make.

    you know how alcoholics say they dont drink 'one day at a time'.....some weeks i dont commit suicide 'one day at a time.'.....the next day i am usually glad i got thru it and i couldnt imagine the traumatic impact on my family if that morning/week they found out i was dead and that i left them with no peace, no answers, and only chaos.
     
  3. justMe7

    justMe7 Well-Known Member

    I kinda care.. Im sorry its taken awhile to respond. Have a bad run with doing that.

    I just look at myself and realize my problems are acting and doing. All my worries and fears that I used to motivate and warn myself about when I was younger.. have come true. I don't feel like i am this.. and I fight it because I am not this disgusting leech of a person... but i am at the sametime. I disassociate from a reality to enforce and keep my reality alive, and at the sametime im faultering so badly. It's like having principles, morals and ethics, and being everything that contradicts them.
    I hit a point a few years ago where I just.. whenever I thought about them, about me,.. they faded and became overwhelmed by some outside stimulate. I think that was a method of not dealing with things, by not acting, and taking charge. Using excuses and not taking charge of the moment to make my life better for myself and everyone around myself. Maybe fooling myself into thinking things or doing things. Or feeling that it was an appriopriate response because of my surroundings. But in reality i know no matter what the surroundings are, it's no excuse to compromise myself and those around me. yet ........ I get angry when I look at myself now, the realities so hard to comprehend all at once. And the hardest thing for me is maintaining. Breathing it forever, and obviously dealing with those challenging moments when a situation might challenge me to break...

    break again to this pos thing that I am. I just hold onto this thread of a dream hoping that Ill wrap myself in it and finally be a god damn man. Instead of this .... dillusional thing I can disassocaite from.

    I dont want help.
    I fucking hate help.
    What good am I if someone else or something else helps me? Am I not a failure without such external support?
    I dont want it. I dont want that hand, not here, not in this place. I have to find my own strength, or ground, solid ground and get back up on my own. It's so hard though when I am getting help. I live a god damn contradiction and not by fucking choice..ish. this drives me nuts, nothing will be mine. It's always someone elses. i hate it.. so god damn much
     
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