I can't recover and feel unreal (edit: Update! Major success!!)

[Citizen Insane]

I can't recover... I feel unreal, that is my reality. I joined the SF community after experiencing severe suicidal thoughts. They were caused by something out of this world and I don't have a memory of what happened.
I could do with some compassion, kind words. Thank you - Written for my journal/diary at around 3:00 am. I don't know what's real anymore. Where do my words even come from?

 

[SillyOldBear]

You are a kind, supportive soul Ken. A great asset to SF and all here. I hope you find a to care for yourself and improve.

 

[Lara_C]

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this Ken. Someone close to me has been in deep psychosis several times now and I know how terrible it is to lose the feeling of security about what is real or not. I wish I had the answers to your questions, but all I can say is my close one also believed they couldn't get out of that state of mind, but they did (with medication). I wish you all the support and help you need to get through this.

 

[seabird]

Every single post I've read of yours brims with compassion and intelligence. @Citizen Insane We're here for you. I'm so sorry your feelings and thoughts aren't helping you right now to know your center, to claim yourself in a grounded way. I wish I was able to give you phrases which'd sweep away uncertainty. From personal experience I can offer (gently): take what family members say about you with a lot of caution.
You are a good peson. Healing thoughts to you.

 

[Citizen Insane]

Thank you @ all

I'll keep creating, writing - ... That will be my main drive and focus - the goal is not to recover or to improve mental health, but to simply express, understand, connect and find creative ways to do so.

All the psychologists and psychiatrists I had spoken to since age 12 up until now don't believe that what I wrote about (like today) is my experience all the time in life.

I'll balance things out with a fitness workout today & eat healthy foods... reading manga & watching anime are good things to do too.

 

[Lostman85]

I can't recover... I feel unreal, that is my reality. I joined the SF community after experiencing severe suicidal thoughts. They were caused by something out of this world and I don't have a memory of what happened.
I could do with some compassion, kind words. Thank you - Written for my journal/diary at around 3:00 am. I don't know what's real anymore. Where do my words even come from?

View attachment 75513

You words come from good hearted person. Stay strong and never give up. We care bout you. Dont stop posting. We believe in you to make good new memories. We want you here as does others.

 

[Citizen Insane]

Wow.... I said wow, I had such a bad week and that's fine! - Felt all the things I feared the most. Mentally. OCD and the same feelings I did during my psychosis (worst time of my life).
I did some hardcore exposure exercises (cognitive behavioural therapy) and .... here we are. More to come!
This writing below has been done with so much feeling, it's incredible what difference it makes to unmask yourself like this. I thought there was just sadness to be found behind the mask or another level of numbness ~ ..Thank you all! And thank you to the community =)

The writing may seem odd, but this is the real me. I realized it...

 

[AvidFan]

Sorry I am late to this thread, I hope you are OK @Citizen Insane

 

[Citizen Insane]

Sorry I am late to this thread, I hope you are OK @Citizen Insane

Quite ok ! Days from 19 May - 24 May were absolutely insane to experience. I never hit a harder limit than this, except during the 6 month lasting psychosis where I became suicidal too - I can't even describe it anymore what happened last month ~ not possible to recover that memory either it seems, made the recovery after that.

Today is Day 18 of the (hardcore, high intensity) Exposure training versus OCD (Thought Broadcasting variant) and it works versus Depersonalization symptoms so much too!
I have to do it almost all the time (for the time being~) - I will feel anxiety / anger and other related symptoms, but I've come to understand what was happening.

My IRL friends/contacts said something recently: They see the real me for the first time That means I'm no longer correcting my thoughts in real time out of fear / anxiety. One of them mentioned: That they could really see me unmask and without filter now ~ And had great conversations with people in my network too.

OCD was hell, so were these depersonalization ~ feelings of unreality... It's beyond anything. I never thought I was going to get better.

2011-2026.... I'm going to take all the years after this just to be myself and not give a damn anymore. It's been so long...

 

[Lara_C]

2011-2026.... I'm going to take all the years after this just to be myself and not give a damn anymore. It's been so long...

This is great to hear and you're so right about just being yourself . Take back your power!

 

[Lostman85]

Quite ok ! Days from 19 May - 24 May were absolutely insane to experience. I never hit a harder limit than this, except during the 6 month lasting psychosis where I became suicidal too - I can't even describe it anymore what happened last month ~ not possible to recover that memory either it seems, made the recovery after that.

Today is Day 18 of the (hardcore, high intensity) Exposure training versus OCD (Thought Broadcasting variant) and it works versus Depersonalization symptoms so much too!
I have to do it almost all the time (for the time being~) - I will feel anxiety / anger and other related symptoms, but I've come to understand what was happening.

My IRL friends/contacts said something recently: They see the real me for the first time That means I'm no longer correcting my thoughts in real time out of fear / anxiety. One of them mentioned: That they could really see me unmask and without filter now ~ And had great conversations with people in my network too.

OCD was hell, so were these depersonalization ~ feelings of unreality... It's beyond anything. I never thought I was going to get better.

2011-2026.... I'm going to take all the years after this just to be myself and not give a damn anymore. It's been so long...

Well im glad you are still with us as is everyone here. We like here and dont want anything happening to you. Your kind and your caring so don't beat yourself or be so hard yourself. We care for your wellbeing. Please be safe and have a good night/day.

 

[LumberJack]

Sorry I am late to this, but I am glad you are sharing your progress here. I am a little earlier on the learning curve on learning to live with my OCD. I feel encouraged to learn that it’s possible to feel all the feelings without being obliterated by them.

Depersonalization and derealization are insidious. By the time I notice they have taken hold within me, I have already been walking around certain that my thoughts and feelings are factually representing reality “out there.”

I could remind myself more often that a feeling, or even an idea, can be both real but not true at the same time.

 

[Citizen Insane]

Sorry I am late to this, but I am glad you are sharing your progress here. I am a little earlier on the learning curve on learning to live with my OCD. I feel encouraged to learn that it’s possible to feel all the feelings without being obliterated by them.

Depersonalization and derealization are insidious. By the time I notice they have taken hold within me, I have already been walking around certain that my thoughts and feelings are factually representing reality “out there.”

I could remind myself more often that a feeling, or even an idea, can be both real but not true at the same time.

Heya! Thank you! 3~ weeks later now since it started. There's a bit of a slow down now with the need for exposure exercises - which I predicted.

I can watch tv shows/movies while being more relaxed - even some horror ones. Finding some much needed distraction is good too - I don't want to feel guilty over my own behaviour/actions when I'm eating less healthy & playing video games. I enjoy all that either way

To choose and visualize a new path is not something I can clearly do just yet. Regaining some sense of reality is all I had ever asked for... I decided years ago that I can live without happiness ~ but I'll certainly find things that are rewarding.

Depersonalization/derealization is less present - It can still be triggered by bad sleep, overstimulation, migraines and such. I'll feel less in control when that happens.
After waking up in the morning, it doesn't take long to feel as if I'm in control and reality. That's a major victory after years of numbness and rarely feeling like I could make choices based on my own feelings.

That's good insight @LumberJack !- feelings/ideas/thoughts are indeed real and untrue.

I see most of my thoughts as approximations of reality - No constant and perfect knowledge/information anywhere.

I'm also navigating through the direct space/environment I'm in using the senses and mind (and memory). The feeling doesn't always have to guide me, but they tell me something about my own processing.

Who knows why I chose this specific song/album/movie/game etc. in the moment to enjoy that...
I can choose my own experience it looks like or least have the illusion, a sense of control/influence over that. Thank you all!