I crashed

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ordep, Nov 14, 2009.

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  1. Ordep

    Ordep Well-Known Member

    It just happened... I started missing my ex and before I knew it I was crashing down... I miss her so freaking much... why can't people understand I don't miss my ex.girlfriend, I miss my ex.best friend! I'm nothing without her, I'm broken, a waste of space, garbage for my so call friends to look down and feel sorry for.

    I'll never feel alive without her, it's hopeless...

    Its sad... I was actually having a good phase...
     
  2. Songie

    Songie Well-Known Member

    Hey, what happened with you and your ex best friend? sorry...loosing friends sucks :( *hugs*
     
  3. Ordep

    Ordep Well-Known Member

    she was my girlfriend and best friend, one year and a half ago she broke up with me and cut me dead, to her I don't exist anymore. That day was the day I started losing everything I had, and now I'm close to having nothing.

    She Ms. Perfection, I'm Mr. Absolute Trash. Doesn't matter what anyone's gonna say when they read this, I know I'm a great person and all that, I know some of you have seen the best of me here, but that doesn't matter jack out there, I'm labelled, I'm labelled as poisonous, no one wants me as a friend if my ex doesnt like me, I was socially exiled.
     
  4. Songie

    Songie Well-Known Member

    God hun, im sorry...i know how you feel though...trust me. Me and my girlfriend broke up about 6 months ago, before i got a new honey, and she had been my best friend since i was 6...I'm 17 now. Loosing her hurt me more than words can describe. and even though it may seem like you have no friends now...you will have friends again. *hugs* Give it time, luv
     
  5. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Pedro can I offer :arms:? Sorry you're hurting so much.
     
  6. Ordep

    Ordep Well-Known Member

    Thanks Carla and Sandra... I don't think there's much of a way out in this situation, but at least I still have SF...

    Thanks for stopping by.
     
  7. ODIECOM

    ODIECOM Well-Known Member

    hmmm, i guess you must have been real garbage to KNOW that you have been exiled from society. who besides yourself labeled you as poisonous ?

    im sorry that your going through some tuff past thoughts. its hard to loose a best friend. i lost one of 13 years about 5 months ago. it hurts but ... its up to us to take control of US and not allow the loss to just shut us down. if we dont allow our self to step out of the sinking boat .. there will never be anything for us. we create the sinking boat in our minds and we are the only ones in control of US.

    there are thousands of relationships that didnt and wont work out. but some how those thousands seem to get back up and continue with their lives.

    you have placed yourself on a ALMOST permanent lock down on life because of this gal. more than likely shes moved on. you can choose to be miserable for years to come because of this ... or you can get back up and regain your control of YOU. you had to be someone before you met this gal. your still someone today. your just looking for excuses to blame yourself for the whole thing. shut your life down, because a relationship didnt work. refuse to allow yourself to seek new friends or a new girl friend. refuse to allow yourself to continue living because you are the SOLE person responsible for the break up. sounds kinda drastic to me, but thats what your doing. your taking all the blame. in most relationships ... unless you beat this gal or something vicious like that ... theres usually two sides to the story.

    you need to allow your self room to breath. you need to pick yourself up and realize time does move on. you need to find a way to move on.

    i cant believe that you never had any other friends besides her. the way you think about yourself right now is your biggest issue. the only way you can get over this is to change your thoughts about yourself first.
    keep posting and talking. your bound to find something that makes sense and you are willing to try. your efforts are not go get her back, but to get yourself back.

    i dont believe your garbage, neither does anyone else .... except you.
    seems to me that you had something to offer that gal. that means you have worth. but right now YOUR allowing your self to be worthless. no one else.
    i wish you the best. keep posting .., your the only one that believes what you say about yourself.
     
  8. Ordep

    Ordep Well-Known Member

    I'm no garbage, I was a always respectful and a good person, both to her and to everyone I knew. I always do my best to please others, my only mistake was focusing my love on pleasing someone else, loving too much you may say.

    I know I've been exiled from the society I live in because no one wants to befriend me when they know my ex hates me. She's very popular and well known in my hometown, and people think they'll lose favor with her if they don't turn me away. I had people tell me after auditions for bands that they would hire me, but they can't because *one day* maybe they can get my ex to sing for them, and she'll never consider them if I'm in the band. Do you imagine how distressful that is?

    Same thing happens in college, we go to the same college, and everyone there knows me as *insert ex's name*'s ex, and because everyone knows she hates me and nobody knows why, everyone assumes I'm no good so no one gives me a chance.

    That boat sunk along time ago, and I went down with it. I did all my life around my relationship, and when she cut me dead and decided I don't exist anymore, I was left without a thing to hold on to. I'm not creating any boat, I see it everyday. The other was given, either silent or verbal, doesn't matter, and I'm not supposed to exist anymore.

    Most people who'r in relationships have things outside those relationships. I was naive, I didn't know better, I thought she'd never leave me, so I build everything inside the relationship. I was so stupid, to believe something like this could never happen.

    I'd never do something as detestable as beat up my girlfriend. I'm not a monster. You wanna know what I did that drove her away? She wanted to join a band and I tried to tell her a band commitment and college might be too much for her, because she had already ended up in hospital for working too much. She considered I was just afraid she could quit our band and jealous she was getting something more so she started despising me, even tough I tried telling her time and again it was nothing like that. In the end she never believed me and the rest is history.

    I tried moving foward for months before I came here, I went to Italy to look for some piece of mind, nothing, I tried to support myself on what friends still hadn't turned their backs on me, but most only offered token support, I tried making new friends, it didn't work. I know I'm a great person on the inside, but it doesn't seem anyone gives a damn about that, it seems most people only care about what you can do for them, and right now it doesn't seem like I can do a damn thing for anyone. I don't wanna stay in this situation forever, it's draining and has no advantages, that's why I feel like ending it all. It's a maze too big for me and if I quit it, it's not like I'll miss on anything I didn't already lost.

    Before I met my ex, I didn't have any friends and wanted to die, after meeting her I started making friends and became popular, after loosing her I lost almost all my friends and now want to die. Without her, both past and present, I got nowhere, with her, I did everything I wanted to.

    I don't like myself, that much is true. It's hard to think anything good about yourself when all the other people you know are achieving great things while you yourself have absolutely nothing to brag about despite being older than most of them. I'm ambitious and a massive underachiever, that's a hard-to-beat combo.

    I dind't use to be garbage, I was always sweet, romantic and kind to my girlfriend, I'm smart and my musical skills have always been appreciated. But now that doesn't get me anywhere, that leaves me in the garbage. If you put a silk dress in the garbade, it ends up looking like garbage.

    Anyway, thanks. The truth is, Odiecom, you always seem to be able to hit the nail to the head. I thank you for that.
     
  9. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hey, you! I skimmed your follow ups posts and I can see how much you're hurting. I wish you didn't feel so badly. :hug: You're not Mr. Absolute Trash, and you're way too smart and have too many noble feelings to believe you are.

    There are different elements to your situation, I think. First, you say you focused your life exclusively on your ex. That's a hard lesson you've had and one that many people experience.

    I'm not dismissing how much you miss your ex or how hard it is to feel left out of the group now. What I really noticed was that you said in the past, you gave over your life and time to the ex. And in a way that tells me you were sort of "neglecting" yourself because of the her. Not being with her and the group right now gives you an opportunity to develop yourself and your own interests. Think about it...lots of different interests/activities and developing a strong sense of self help us to (i) be on our own and/or with a group of people; (ii) gives us variety and skills with several types of people/situations; (iii) gives us things to think and talk about when we're with other people - "new" things that are not the same old stuff that everyone in the old group always did/does; (iv) we meet lots more people if we do lots of things, and if something goes amiss in one area, we've got other interests and people to turn to in different areas; and (v) since we meet lots more people, who knows who you will meet - perhaps the girl who will show you she is even more perfect than your ex.

    The social circle you + ex were part of seems to be a clique, rife with the snotty head games cliques play. They are following the leader and the herd instead of thinking independently. It's actually pretty sad and shallow that a group of people drop someone because of an ex. It's a herd mentality and each individual member is letting the group make decisions that they could be making as independent people.

    I dunno...I just think you deserve so much more than that! I know you've said it's a small town, small social circle, same college. Yes, those have some impact...for a while...The good news is that when you develop yourself and move on to do your own things, you'll meet new people and the old ones won't matter as much. And the old ones will have to respond to you in a new way because you will have changed.

    Try not to let this one girl and her group of pals run your life and who you decide to be. You're better than that and deserve a lot more, sweetie!

    :hug:
    A.
     
  10. Ordep

    Ordep Well-Known Member

    Yeah, I pretty much gave all my life to my ex in the past. Nowadays I regret it, but back then, it worked perfectly for me, so why not... The fact is that I let her control every aspect of our relationship according to her wishes, and by aggregation, both our lives. I'd really like to follow your advice, and I've tried time and again. I even went to Italy where nobody knew me and my past, but the most I got was a stupid and drunk one night stand, the rest of the time I just went to Venice to brood and procrastinate by the canal... that's just who I am I guess, I'm not social, I don't push people away, but I'm also not very welcoming. That's like, my lifetime issue, bad social skills, and I've fought against it for as long as I can remember, but I can't never seem to get anywhere.

    PĆ³voa de Santa Iria, my hometown, is the portuguese city with the greatest % of teenagers and thus in recent years it has become quite an hotspot for musicians and bands to appear. That's the people me and my ex. got along with, musicians. Ever since we started playing togheter we made quite a stir and got some local recognision, but the fact is that while you can pick someone on the street and there's a chance you'll find a guitar player, a singer is much more harder to find, and also because my ex was always more social than me, she became much more "valuable" than me.

    So when she broke up with me, and when word got out that she wouldn't play with me again, my "career" got cut short because people who wanted my ex to their bands stopped considering me for anything. I was actually in a band with some guys at the time, and when I lost my gf, they started making excuses to bail out of the band.

    Sad as it may be, it's all business I guess... problem is I miss playing with people, now no one plays with me or wants a band with me. I'm a musician without any work, and that just sucks for me.

    Anyway, thanks for speaking up Acy :)
     
  11. Little_me

    Little_me Well-Known Member

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