hmmm, i guess you must have been real garbage to KNOW that you have been exiled from society. who besides yourself labeled you as poisonous ?
I'm no garbage, I was a always respectful and a good person, both to her and to everyone I knew. I always do my best to please others, my only mistake was focusing my love on pleasing someone else, loving too much you may say.
I know I've been exiled from the society I live in because no one wants to befriend me when they know my ex hates me. She's very popular and well known in my hometown, and people think they'll lose favor with her if they don't turn me away. I had people tell me after auditions for bands that they would hire me, but they can't because *one day* maybe they can get my ex to sing for them, and she'll never consider them if I'm in the band. Do you imagine how distressful that is?
Same thing happens in college, we go to the same college, and everyone there knows me as *insert ex's name*'s ex, and because everyone knows she hates me and nobody knows why, everyone assumes I'm no good so no one gives me a chance.
im sorry that your going through some tuff past thoughts. its hard to loose a best friend. i lost one of 13 years about 5 months ago. it hurts but ... its up to us to take control of US and not allow the loss to just shut us down. if we dont allow our self to step out of the sinking boat .. there will never be anything for us. we create the sinking boat in our minds and we are the only ones in control of US.
That boat sunk along time ago, and I went down with it. I did all my life around my relationship, and when she cut me dead and decided I don't exist anymore, I was left without a thing to hold on to. I'm not creating any boat, I see it everyday. The other was given, either silent or verbal, doesn't matter, and I'm not supposed to exist anymore.
there are thousands of relationships that didnt and wont work out. but some how those thousands seem to get back up and continue with their lives.
Most people who'r in relationships have things outside those relationships. I was naive, I didn't know better, I thought she'd never leave me, so I build everything inside the relationship. I was so stupid, to believe something like this could never happen.
you have placed yourself on a ALMOST permanent lock down on life because of this gal. more than likely shes moved on. you can choose to be miserable for years to come because of this ... or you can get back up and regain your control of YOU. you had to be someone before you met this gal. your still someone today. your just looking for excuses to blame yourself for the whole thing. shut your life down, because a relationship didnt work. refuse to allow yourself to seek new friends or a new girl friend. refuse to allow yourself to continue living because you are the SOLE person responsible for the break up. sounds kinda drastic to me, but thats what your doing. your taking all the blame. in most relationships ... unless you beat this gal or something vicious like that ... theres usually two sides to the story.
I'd never do something as detestable as beat up my girlfriend. I'm not a monster. You wanna know what I did that drove her away? She wanted to join a band and I tried to tell her a band commitment and college might be too much for her, because she had already ended up in hospital for working too much. She considered I was just afraid she could quit our band and jealous she was getting something more so she started despising me, even tough I tried telling her time and again it was nothing like that. In the end she never believed me and the rest is history.
I tried moving foward for months before I came here, I went to Italy to look for some piece of mind, nothing, I tried to support myself on what friends still hadn't turned their backs on me, but most only offered token support, I tried making new friends, it didn't work. I know I'm a great person on the inside, but it doesn't seem anyone gives a damn about that, it seems most people only care about what you can do for them, and right now it doesn't seem like I can do a damn thing for anyone. I don't wanna stay in this situation forever, it's draining and has no advantages, that's why I feel like ending it all. It's a maze too big for me and if I quit it, it's not like I'll miss on anything I didn't already lost.
i cant believe that you never had any other friends besides her. the way you think about yourself right now is your biggest issue. the only way you can get over this is to change your thoughts about yourself first.
keep posting and talking. your bound to find something that makes sense and you are willing to try. your efforts are not go get her back, but to get yourself back.
Before I met my ex, I didn't have any friends and wanted to die, after meeting her I started making friends and became popular, after loosing her I lost almost all my friends and now want to die. Without her, both past and present, I got nowhere, with her, I did everything I wanted to.
I don't like myself, that much is true. It's hard to think anything good about yourself when all the other people you know are achieving great things while you yourself have absolutely nothing to brag about despite being older than most of them. I'm ambitious and a massive underachiever, that's a hard-to-beat combo.
i dont believe your garbage, neither does anyone else .... except you.
seems to me that you had something to offer that gal. that means you have worth. but right now YOUR allowing your self to be worthless. no one else.
i wish you the best. keep posting .., your the only one that believes what you say about yourself.
I dind't use to be garbage, I was always sweet, romantic and kind to my girlfriend, I'm smart and my musical skills have always been appreciated. But now that doesn't get me anywhere, that leaves me in the garbage. If you put a silk dress in the garbade, it ends up looking like garbage.
Anyway, thanks. The truth is, Odiecom, you always seem to be able to hit the nail to the head. I thank you for that.
s*
