I didn't become abuser. But I fear I could have

[I_waste_everything]

I did not perpetuate ðe act I let it do it mi.

But I þink about it and despite my sometimes-belief I never had it in mi to cross ðæt unforgivable line, I fear if not for luck and relatively sheltered "life" after, I could have.

I live in self-disgust, self-anger, and fear. I feel ugly. Just ðe þoht I could have become ðæt makes mi want to kill myself and accept ðæt maybe I'm going to go to hell after all.

My push toward retrying life? Maybe it's just a fantasy. Why would God take ðe risk of putting mi in a position where I could become abuser myself?

I have felt beyond feel before ðæt doing what ðe disgusting did is truly worse ðæn I could ever be. In ðe time more my present, I am squeamish, sensitive, obsessively averse to nudity, and tell on any disgusting or nudity-oriented þing I know of in ðe vicinity. I stand by ðos as lifelines to permission to identify as somewhat decent being.

But I þink about what a messed up, disgusting... mess I have been inside ever since, and I fear I am not inherently incapable of ðe unforgivable as I have wantfully believed. I fear it is primarily afterward-fortunate luck ðæt I didn't become ðe next unforgivable tumor in ðe pestilent chain.

Admitting ðis, I can þink of noþing else. I don't know where to go from here. Or wheðer to forgive myself. Or if it's too soon, or too late, to know wheðer I deserve forgiveness for what I was at risk of becoming.

 

[Congratsbaby]

I did not perpetuate ðe act I let it do it mi.

But I þink about it and despite my sometimes-belief I never had it in mi to cross ðæt unforgivable line, I fear if not for luck and relatively sheltered "life" after, I could have.

I live in self-disgust, self-anger, and fear. I feel ugly. Just ðe þoht I could have become ðæt makes mi want to kill myself and accept ðæt maybe I'm going to go to hell after all.

My push toward retrying life? Maybe it's just a fantasy. Why would God take ðe risk of putting mi in a position where I could become abuser myself?

I have felt beyond feel before ðæt doing what ðe disgusting did is truly worse ðæn I could ever be. In ðe time more my present, I am squeamish, sensitive, obsessively averse to nudity, and tell on any disgusting or nudity-oriented þing I know of in ðe vicinity. I stand by ðos as lifelines to permission to identify as somewhat decent being.

But I þink about what a messed up, disgusting... mess I have been inside ever since, and I fear I am not inherently incapable of ðe unforgivable as I have wantfully believed. I fear it is primarily afterward-fortunate luck ðæt I didn't become ðe next unforgivable tumor in ðe pestilent chain.

Admitting ðis, I can þink of noþing else. I don't know where to go from here. Or wheðer to forgive myself. Or if it's too soon, or too late, to know wheðer I deserve forgiveness for what I was at risk of becoming.

I am so sorry. Sending hugs. If this helps , I have had thoughts of raping someone too. It felt tempting almost. It was intense in the moment but ended soon. I think about violently killing people , often. Like in my head , in real life time I can imagine it.

There is this saying that thoughts don't matter. Actions do.

I don't completely believe this but it can be true at times indeed. I think your trauma , abuse does it to you. I don't know you , but I wanna believe from what I can see and I recognise it's not enough but I still see that there is healing for you and me. Perhaps then these thoughts won't be there.

Ps. I don't see myself as bad person, but I understand it can be really difficult to believe that cause I struggle with it often.

 

[I_waste_everything]

Þank you, @Congratsbaby. I can render no answer ðæt does justice to you or your words. I just soak in. Þank you. You're a good and wondrous person.

Yes please to ðe hug. I offer same in kind.

 

[may71]

I fear I am not inherently incapable of ðe unforgivable

Water can be ice, liquid, or vapor. It can be mixed with contaminants or be pure. It can take on many different shapes. Fundamentally though, water is still water regardless of the conditions that modify it.

I'm not sure anyone is inherently capable or incapable of what another human does if it turns out that there is something fundamentally the same about all human beings. I'm not sure that that's the case, but it might be.

You haven't done anything bad, and it's good that you haven't. I hope it will stay that way. I don't think you have to worry about the inherent part.

 

[Congratsbaby]

Þank you, @Congratsbaby. I can render no answer ðæt does justice to you or your words. I just soak in. Þank you. You're a good and wondrous person.

Yes please to ðe hug. I offer same in kind.

You're welcome. 🫂
Thanks , I see myself as a gray person.

 

[I_waste_everything]

You're welcome. 🫂
Thanks , I see myself as a gray person.

🫂

 

[LumberJack]

In teachings that I have studied, the intention is what matters to the moral weight of an action. Simply being capable of something is NOT the same as actually doing it. Every human being on the planet has the capacity to be a rapist, a murderer, a saint, a rascal, a scholar, and so on. Infinite possibilities for all of us. According to these teachings, ALL of us have at one point, in our countless lifetimes from beginningless time, been a rapist, a murderer, a thief, an artisan, a worker, a drug addict, ad infinitum.

And anyone honest will also admit they think about these things from time to time. "What if I just pushed this guy on the platform in front of the train?" Someone may think to themselves. This is the mind doing its thing, it comes up with possibilities. A healthy person will chuckle at the thought and let it go by.

A person with moral obsessions will take that thought as evidence of his true nature. His eternal destiny hangs on one momentary thought, and so he must start looking and looking all over, up down, left right, past, future - for more evidence of his depravity. The obsession then takes on it's own momentum. The person thus afflicted sees all these thoughts multiplying and then his view of himself becomes more and more hateful. He doesn't deserve to live. He doesn't deserve to die. He just deserves to be punished, over and over, for some unnamed sin that he doesn't remember. How do I know this? That person is me. I dream up what is the worst, most foul, vicious, horrific thing I could do, and then find evidence that I might. And that snowballs as described here. This is called OCD.

Is this the same for you? I am not qualified to guess, and anyone who only knows you as pixels on a screen would be overstepping if they thought they could. I recognize the patterns, though. We all have the same 24 hrs in a day. What matters is what you DO with your time. not what you MIGHT do, not what you COULD do. These are called counterfactuals, because they are counter to facts. The more time I spend seeking certainty that I would NEVER do 'xyz' and am in fact INCAPABLE of doing 'xyz' tells my brain that the worry is valid and we should escalate our vigilance ever further. If I tell myself, instead, that although I can imagine things, it doesn't mean I'm subconsciously planning a murder spree, then I can use my sense of humor on myself, and say, "yup, I'm human. I have a brain and that is what brains do."

I have a friend who said he considers his brain a "random thought generator." I had to go therapy for 8 more years before I could understand what he meant. Your liver makes bile, your skin grows hair, your pancreas (if you are lucky) creates insulin. Do "you" have any say in these things? Are you at fault if the pancreas breaks down? You would only be at fault for the failure of an organ if you had intentionally harmed or misused it. Same story with the brain. It creates good, bad, neutral, creative, banal, and every other kind of thoughts, using no more of our intentional input than the heart uses to pump blood. Again, the intention is what matters with respect to culpability.

You are not your thoughts. I'm currently experimenting with an idea. I know from learning snowboarding that my vehicle (whether it's a snowboard, a car, or what) will tend to go in the direction I point it. What if my brain is like this, too? In snowboarding you don't focus on the trees. If you do, you will hit the trees. You focus on the space between the trees. The open space that you want to pass through smoothly is where you point your body and your board, and the trees are monitored in the peripheral.

Whit kind of thoughts, abilities, or behaviors would be grounds for you being proud of yourself?