Empathy Only I do not want to exist in a world with romance.

[Hero]

I have been really unsure whether I should post about this (out of fear of being misunderstood or getting a response that might trigger me, especially with how sensitive this subject is for me) but I guess it's time to do it.
Where should I even begin?

Whenever I'm reminded of romance in any way I feel extremely depressed/hurt and feel that I really don't want to exist in this world a second longer. Anything related to it is enough to trigger me, even just reading words like "boyfriend", "girlfriend", "relationship", "partener", "lover", "husband", "wife", and any other words that are related to romantic love. The worst kind of trigger for me is when I read/hear/see something that states in a way that the speaker's lover is their favorite person or they prefer them over everybody else. For example "I love her more than anything", "She is the most beautiful woman in the world", getting a tattoo related to them, etc. I try to convince myself that people in love tend to exaggerate sometimes but I still can't be sure that this fact is true. Sometimes a person wouldn't even be saying a statement like those and just expressing their love for their partner yet I find myself picking such statements from their sentence and hurting myself. I cannot describe how much the fact (it seems like) most people see romantic love as the best or highest form of love hurts me. This is the main reason of my extreme hatred towards this world. I have OCD so you can only imagine how terrible it is for me when something of what I stated above comes in my way. I keep reading it and/or repeating it in my head over and over and over and over and over till I almost go insane and can literally feel the pain in my head. If something comes my way that is an opposite of a trigger (for example a guy stating how much he values his sister or friend) it's not much better for my OCD actually. I still repeat it nonstop to convince myself that I indeed read/heard it and the person indeed thinks in this way.

This problem is related to my extreme need to have a Big Brother figure (I'm aware my BPD has to do with both problems). In the past 12 years or so, a Big Brother figure has been what I needed in life the most. None of the psychiatrists/therapists I have seen could identify the reason/cause but I recently realized it probably has to do with the fact I grew up without any male figures having much of a role in my life, which is still not much better now. A Big Brother figure has meant more to me than other types of relations. I have never felt safe with anyone and so I have always saw a Big Brother figure as the person who will provide me the safety and warmth I needed. Due to the fact I have had social-anxiety and considered myself out of place in my society, I sought my Big Brother online. It was a long journey that lasted for like 10 years. 10 years of going through different websites, communicating with a countless amount of people, getting really attached to someone and considering him my Big Brother only for him to abandon me later and I start looking all over again. A journey that was stupid and painful. Only about 3 years ago I realized an online Big Brother wouldn't work with somebody like me anyway, especially with how high my standards actually were (yet I'd ignore those standards and get attached to anyone who is kind to me out of desperation). I stopped searching and instead have been feeling very lonely and very empty without anyone to give my love and care to. It's a terrible feeling.

Although my Big Brother would mean the world to me, I didn't mean much to them. The fact I (without realizing) linked my self-worth with how much care and attention I'd receive from my Big Brother made me feel worthless all the time. I don't blame them anymore as I know I was annoying and overwhelming and I understand only few people would bother to deal with someone like that. At the same time I started to believe most of them weren't as great people as I made them be. Despite this I can't help but think: They meant the world to me while I didn't mean much to them, and instead their girlfriends meant everything to them. They probably thought of me as "nothing but a sister". I was nothing compared to their girlfriends. Who cares about a sister anyway? Everyone wants a lover, but not many people want a sister. And most of those who do would probably prefer a girlfriend. Even if I somehow managed to find a real life Big Brother, no matter how close we will get he will still prefer his girlfriend over me and prefer her company just because she is a girlfriend while I'm a sister. And an even worse fear I have is that my future Big Brother might end up falling in love with me. It just makes life feel so hopeless. What even is the point of living? I'd better be dead.

What makes me hate the world even more is that no one is on my side. If what I desperately needed were a lover instead, everyone would have sympathised with me and went like, "Oh I'm sorry for that - I know how you feel - I'm sure you will find him someday, etc.." But because what I need is a Big Brother I'm instead greeted with, "Why a Big Brother? - You should want a lover instead - Hopefully you'll find a good husband who will be like a loving brother to you, etc.." It makes me feel like the world is against me. I don't want to exist in a world that is against me! This just makes me hate romantic love even more. I try my best to avoid forms of media that have romance so I wouldn't get triggered, but sometimes it can be really hard to avoid them. For example, 95% of the songs in my language that I listen to are romantic yet I love them because the music is beautiful. Sometimes their lyrics can trigger me. I love discovering more western bands or songs by the bands I like but recently I have been too scared to do so because I fear how some songs could have romantic lyrics which might trigger me especially since I tend to consider artists from western bands my "Big Brothers."

I have no idea why it's a Big Brother that I want that much and not a male lover. All I know is that I think of romantic love as "the cheap meaningless way to love someone" while brotherly love is "the beautiful meaningful way to love someone." I do want to get married for reasons, but that's another topic for another time. (I don't need to mention that I, of course, have NO desire to marry a Big Brother figure. But I mentioned it anyway to avoid possible misunderstanding). Because of how much suffering this whole issue causes me I recently began wondering if a Big Brother figure even means anything to me. Being so obsessed with something that it defines your existence and you can't think of your future without it takes all the beauty out of that thing. I wish I were born a different human being: a normal person who wants a lover just like everybody else does. I wish I at least wanted a Big Brother in a healthier way. I'm so disgusted at myself even though my intentions are so pure. I'm turning the beautiful brotherly love into something ugly with this obsession of mine. I feel so guilty. I'm so sick of it and I just want to die and take it along with me. The two of us should become no more.

Yet despite all that, I can't let this obsession of mine go. I DO NOT want to. Taking it out of me means there won't be a person left. Sometimes I try to imagine what I would have been like without this Big Brother issue but I always fail to think of anything. I understand it's a common thing to not want to get rid of what's making you suffer but for me it's completely out of the question. If I were to get rid of wanting a Big Brother I'd rather die instead. I mean this with all my heart.
If I'm forced to live, I just wish romance didn't exist. One of my therapists in the recent past told me "But if romance disappeared people would feel sad." Who cares if people feel sad!? I AM SAD!! Does the world even care about me!?
There's no place for me in this world.

I have a belief that when I go to the other world, I will find my Big Brother standing with open arms and greeting me, and finally I won't have to feel alone anymore.

EDIT: Wow, such a long post for a stupid problem.

 

[Daphna]

I have been really unsure whether I should post about this (out of fear of being misunderstood or getting a response that might trigger me, especially with how sensitive this subject is for me) but I guess it's time to do it.
Where should I even begin?

Whenever I'm reminded of romance in any way I feel extremely depressed/hurt and feel that I really don't want to exist in this world a second longer. Anything related to it is enough to trigger me, even just reading words like "boyfriend", "girlfriend", "relationship", "partener", "lover", "husband", "wife", and any other words that are related to romantic love. The worst kind of trigger for me is when I read/hear/see something that states in a way that the speaker's lover is their favorite person or they prefer them over everybody else. For example "I love her more than anything", "She is the most beautiful woman in the world", getting a tattoo related to them, etc. I try to convince myself that people in love tend to exaggerate sometimes but I still can't be sure that this fact is true. Sometimes a person wouldn't even be saying a statement like those and just expressing their love for their partner yet I find myself picking such statements from their sentence and hurting myself. I cannot describe how much the fact (it seems like) most people see romantic love as the best or highest form of love hurts me. This is the main reason of my extreme hatred towards this world. I have OCD so you can only imagine how terrible it is for me when something of what I stated above comes in my way. I keep reading it and/or repeating it in my head over and over and over and over and over till I almost go insane and can literally feel the pain in my head. If something comes my way that is an opposite of a trigger (for example a guy stating how much he values his sister or friend) it's not much better for my OCD actually. I still repeat it nonstop to convince myself that I indeed read/heard it and the person indeed thinks in this way.

This problem is related to my extreme need to have a Big Brother figure (I'm aware my BPD has to do with both problems). In the past 12 years or so, a Big Brother figure has been what I needed in life the most. None of the psychiatrists/therapists I have seen could identify the reason/cause but I recently realized it probably has to do with the fact I grew up without any male figures having much of a role in my life, which is still not much better now. A Big Brother figure has meant more to me than other types of relations. I have never felt safe with anyone and so I have always saw a Big Brother figure as the person who will provide me the safety and warmth I needed. Due to the fact I have had social-anxiety and considered myself out of place in my society, I sought my Big Brother online. It was a long journey that lasted for like 10 years. 10 years of going through different websites, communicating with a countless amount of people, getting really attached to someone and considering him my Big Brother only for him to abandon me later and I start looking all over again. A journey that was stupid and painful. Only about 3 years ago I realized an online Big Brother wouldn't work with somebody like me anyway, especially with how high my standards actually were (yet I'd ignore those standards and get attached to anyone who is kind to me out of desperation). I stopped searching and instead have been feeling very lonely and very empty without anyone to give my love and care to. It's a terrible feeling.

Although my Big Brother would mean the world to me, I didn't mean much to them. The fact I (without realizing) linked my self-worth with how much care and attention I'd receive from my Big Brother made me feel worthless all the time. I don't blame them anymore as I know I was annoying and overwhelming and I understand only few people would bother to deal with someone like that. At the same time I started to believe most of them weren't as great people as I made them be. Despite this I can't help but think: They meant the world to me while I didn't mean much to them, and instead their girlfriends meant everything to them. They probably thought of me as "nothing but a sister". I was nothing compared to their girlfriends. Who cares about a sister anyway? Everyone wants a lover, but not many people want a sister. And most of those who do would probably prefer a girlfriend. Even if I somehow managed to find a real life Big Brother, no matter how close we will get he will still prefer his girlfriend over me and prefer her company just because she is a girlfriend while I'm a sister. And an even worse fear I have is that my future Big Brother might end up falling in love with me. It just makes life feel so hopeless. What even is the point of living? I'd better be dead.

What makes me hate the world even more is that no one is on my side. If what I desperately needed were a lover instead, everyone would have sympathised with me and went like, "Oh I'm sorry for that - I know how you feel - I'm sure you will find him someday, etc.." But because what I need is a Big Brother I'm instead greeted with, "Why a Big Brother? - You should want a lover instead - Hopefully you'll find a good husband who will be like a loving brother to you, etc.." It makes me feel like the world is against me. I don't want to exist in a world that is against me! This just makes me hate romantic love even more. I try my best to avoid forms of media that have romance so I wouldn't get triggered, but sometimes it can be really hard to avoid them. For example, 95% of the songs in my language that I listen to are romantic yet I love them because the music is beautiful. Sometimes their lyrics can trigger me. I love discovering more western bands or songs by the bands I like but recently I have been too scared to do so because I fear how some songs could have romantic lyrics which might trigger me especially since I tend to consider artists from western bands my "Big Brothers."

I have no idea why it's a Big Brother that I want that much and not a male lover. All I know is that I think of romantic love as "the cheap meaningless way to love someone" while brotherly love is "the beautiful meaningful way to love someone." I do want to get married for reasons, but that's another topic for another time. (I don't need to mention that I, of course, have NO desire to marry a Big Brother figure. But I mentioned it anyway to avoid possible misunderstanding). Because of how much suffering this whole issue causes me I recently began wondering if a Big Brother figure even means anything to me. Being so obsessed with something that it defines your existence and you can't think of your future without it takes all the beauty out of that thing. I wish I were born a different human being: a normal person who wants a lover just like everybody else does. I wish I at least wanted a Big Brother in a healthier way. I'm so disgusted at myself even though my intentions are so pure. I'm turning the beautiful brotherly love into something ugly with this obsession of mine. I feel so guilty. I'm so sick of it and I just want to die and take it along with me. The two of us should become no more.

Yet despite all that, I can't let this obsession of mine go. I DO NOT want to. Taking it out of me means there won't be a person left. Sometimes I try to imagine what I would have been like without this Big Brother issue but I always fail to think of anything. I understand it's a common thing to not want to get rid of what's making you suffer but for me it's completely out of the question. If I were to get rid of wanting a Big Brother I'd rather die instead. I mean this with all my heart.
If I'm forced to live, I just wish romance didn't exist. One of my therapists in the recent past told me "But if romance disappeared people would feel sad." Who cares if people feel sad!? I AM SAD!! Does the world even care about me!?
There's no place for me in this world.

I have a belief that when I go to the other world, I will find my Big Brother standing with open arms and greeting me, and finally I won't have to feel alone anymore.

EDIT: Wow, such a long post for a stupid problem.

Hello, I don’t think anything negative about your desire for a big brother. Platonic relationships can be just as fulfilling as any other kind. I can understand your concerns for finding it in strangers. I do wonder why you stress the words big brother. I also wonder where this idea came from?

 

[Hero]

Hello. I appreciate that you took the time to read my post. Thank you.

Hello, I don’t think anything negative about your desire for a big brother. Platonic relationships can be just as fulfilling as any other kind. I can understand your concerns for finding it in strangers.

This makes me feel better.

I do wonder why you stress the words big brother. I also wonder where this idea came from?

I tend to capitalize words that hold a meaning to me. I can't really describe it into words but I feel like doing this kind of shows them as bigger than just words. I know it doesn't make much sense but I still love doing it. I had all the words "sister" capitalized at first but decided to change this after realizing it looked so grammatically off.
I always write the word Hero capitalized as well. I did it even in my last prose exam haha.

I'm not sure where the idea of wanting a Big Brother came from. When I was a child I loved creating Little Sister characters for the anime boys that I loved. I don't remember having a strong desire for a Big Brother figure back then though, I just really wanted siblings at that time as an only child and didn't really think whether I prefered a brother or a sister. My earliest memory of wanting a Big Brother dates to when I was 12/13 when I would daydream about these two characters I had created back then who weren't related but loved each other as a Big Brother and Little Sister. I have no idea how it started. It honestly feels like it came out of nowhere.

 

[KM76710]

This makes me feel better.

Glad to read that you took some comfort and are feeling better. Always a positive.

 

[Daphna]

Hello. I appreciate that you took the time to read my post. Thank you.



This makes me feel better.



I tend to capitalize words that hold a meaning to me. I can't really describe it into words but I feel like doing this kind of shows them as bigger than just words. I know it doesn't make much sense but I still love doing it. I had all the words "sister" capitalized at first but decided to change this after realizing it looked so grammatically off.
I always write the word Hero capitalized as well. I did it even in my last prose exam haha.

I'm not sure where the idea of wanting a Big Brother came from. When I was a child I loved creating Little Sister characters for the anime boys that I loved. I don't remember having a strong desire for a Big Brother figure back then though, I just really wanted siblings at that time as an only child and didn't really think whether I prefered a brother or a sister. My earliest memory of wanting a Big Brother dates to when I was 12/13 when I would daydream about these two characters I had created back then who weren't related but loved each other as a Big Brother and Little Sister. I have no idea how it started. It honestly feels like it came out of nowhere.

Thank you for responding. I can understand how a the idea of a bigger brother is appealing to you. The fantasy is a pure one for sure. Who wouldn’t want the comfort of a stronger figure in their lives that loved them purely, and who protects them fiercely. Who would comfort them and tell them everything will be alright in the hard times, and who would make time for them no matter how busy they are.
I personally don’t have a big brother either. It’s a beautiful fantasy, but I agree with you. There’s more of an emphasis on certain loves than others. Humans are made of flesh, and they’re carnal. I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed in reality regarding this fantasy. That type of love can be found though, for me it is found through a spiritual sense. A pure form that cannot be tainted or corrupted by desire. Have you considered finding it this way?

 

[Hero]

Thank you for responding. I can understand how a the idea of a bigger brother is appealing to you. The fantasy is a pure one for sure. Who wouldn’t want the comfort of a stronger figure in their lives that loved them purely, and who protects them fiercely. Who would comfort them and tell them everything will be alright in the hard times, and who would make time for them no matter how busy they are.
I personally don’t have a big brother either. It’s a beautiful fantasy, but I agree with you. There’s more of an emphasis on certain loves than others. Humans are made of flesh, and they’re carnal. I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed in reality regarding this fantasy. That type of love can be found though, for me it is found through a spiritual sense. A pure form that cannot be tainted or corrupted by desire. Have you considered finding it this way?

Nothing else can satisfy me. If it's anything else rather than a Big Brother figure then I really don't want to be alive. Life without a Big Brother figure the same way I want it means nothing at all.

Spirituality can't help me. I happen to believe in God only because I come from a country where everyone is obsessed with religion but I can't help but hate him so much and see him as a controlling figure who makes me/people suffer rather than a figure who is full of love. I'd honestly rather God be unreal. My life would have been much better if I didn't believe in him.

I'm sorry if I sounded mean or said something I shouldn't have said, it's not my intention. I just got triggered. The idea of humans being sexual triggers me because of reasons related to this Big Brother problem. I didn't feel like mentioning this in the post. It's not your fault, please don't blame yourself for it.

 

[Hero]

I'm still clinging to the hope that I'll someday find a Big Brother figure despite everything. But if it's more likely that I'll be disappointed then I see no point in going. I should just gather the courage to kill myself if that's gonna be the case!!!

 

[Sunspots]

There's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting that strength of love but it being purely platonic. I'm lucky to have a big brother who I absolutely adore. He's probably the loveliest person I know. But because I love him I now love his wife and children - they make him happy so how could I not love them too? It doesn't take away the love we have for eachother, love is not finite.

I'm interested in why you want a big brother? If it's absolutely not a romantic or sexual love, why would the gender matter? Would you feel the same about a big sister?

 

[Hero]

There's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting that strength of love but it being purely platonic. I'm lucky to have a big brother who I absolutely adore. He's probably the loveliest person I know. But because I love him I now love his wife and children - they make him happy so how could I not love them too? It doesn't take away the love we have for eachother, love is not finite.

I'm interested in why you want a big brother? If it's absolutely not a romantic or sexual love, why would the gender matter? Would you feel the same about a big sister?

That's really sweet. You know that despite the fact he has a wife and children you are still very important to him and nobody else can replace the role you have in his life, right? And so you can easily love his wife and children since they make him happy. Does this make sense?
What is making me worry is that my (future) Big Brother's lover might replace me or I might be less important to him than she will be. I understand that the roles of a lover and a sister are both important, can't replace each other and someone can need both at the same time, but I just can't help but worry his lover will be more appreciated than I will be since a lover provides romance and sex while a sister doesn't. I know (or seriously hope) that there are people who don't think in this way but I wonder if managing to find someone like that is even possible. I'm starting to lose the hope that I have been clinging to for over 12 years. This hope is honestly the only thing that is giving me hope in life itself. I have other unrelated dreams and things I'd really love to achieve, but my future is hanging on finding a Big Brother. It has to come first before everything else. I can't even imagine my future without it.

I sadly wouldn't feel the same about a big sister. It has to be a male figure. The idea of a big sister doesn't mean much to me, or at least it wouldn't replace a Big Brother for me. I believe this has to do with the fact I grew up without any male figures around. My dad didn't have a strong role in my life. My parents divorced when I was 13/14 and I stayed with my mom. I didn't really mind the fact he was gone, I guess probably since he wasn't really present before the divorce anyway. When he was at home he didn't really give me much kindness or care. My mom says many days would pass and he wouldn't see me since I'd go to bed early while he came home late yet he wouldn't even go to my room and check out on me while I was asleep. He is present in my life currently and I'd say many people would even feel jealous of me for having a dad like him, but honestly, he is not helping me at all on the emotional part (in many cases he rather makes things harder) and I'd NEVER imagine him being the Big Brother that I need. It's just something a person like him can't do.
Other than my dad I have never really had any male figures in my life. I do have uncles and cousins and I had a grandfather years ago but they have never had much of a role in my life. I have never had male friends either. There has always been a strange absence of male figures in my life.
I believe that's why it's a brother and not a sister.

 

[Atreides]

It's understandable you want a big brother figure. I wish I had a big brother or sister since my real sister died. I guess everybody needs something different. I hope you find a big brother figure. Just remember we're here for you.

 

[Hero]

It's understandable you want a big brother figure. I wish I had a big brother or sister since my real sister died. I guess everybody needs something different. I hope you find a big brother figure. Just remember we're here for you.

Thank you for reading my post and replying. So sorry for your loss.

 

[Atreides]

Thank you for reading my post and replying. So sorry for your loss.

Thanks. I appreciate it.

 

[Daphna]

I'm still clinging to the hope that I'll someday find a Big Brother figure despite everything. But if it's more likely that I'll be disappointed then I see no point in going. I should just gather the courage to kill myself if that's gonna be the case!!!

That’s the danger of trying to fulfill this fantasy with a stranger regardless of sex. Your expectations are unrealistic. Siblings have a bond that two strangers will be lacking. The only way I could possibly see it happening is in a faith like place where you share a bond in the belief that you’re both in a family brought together in a spiritual sense. I have both brothers and sisters in this way. Of all ages by the way. Even then people are people and flesh.
Outside of that I feel you will be putting yourself in danger. There are many con artists, and predators who would jump at the chance to play the part only to hurt you even further. While your fantasy is sweet and pure, this world isn’t sweet and pure, and there are many who have evil intentions against those who naively believe otherwise.
I apologize is this angers you, or triggers you. My intention is to show you that your hopes are flawed and baseless. It’s doomed for failure. To base your life on something so unstable is not wise. I feel you will only cause yourself more pain in the process.

 

[Waves]

That’s the danger of trying to fulfill this fantasy with a stranger regardless of sex. Your expectations are unrealistic. Siblings have a bond that two strangers will be lacking. The only way I could possibly see it happening is in a faith like place where you share a bond in the belief that you’re both in a family brought together in a spiritual sense. I have both brothers and sisters in this way. Of all ages by the way. Even then people are people and flesh.
Outside of that I feel you will be putting yourself in danger. There are many con artists, and predators who would jump at the chance to play the part only to hurt you even further. While your fantasy is sweet and pure, this world isn’t sweet and pure, and there are many who have evil intentions against those who naively believe otherwise.
I apologize is this angers you, or triggers you. My intention is to show you that your hopes are flawed and baseless. It’s doomed for failure. To base your life on something so unstable is not wise. I feel you will only cause yourself more pain in the process.

Hello

Sounds like Daphnis recommends not seeking for a platonic male relationship. Is that correct? That it is unrealistic? I wonder if everyone agrees? I see Daphna’s point. It also seems like Daphna is saying that we cannot trust humans and can only trust God. Trusting something that is based on blind faith is similar to trusting people in many ways. Both are hope. Hope keeps us living. But reaching that hopeful goal keeps us going. Arguing points only triggers and upsets people I feel. At least it upsets me. I empathize with Hero. We just want to be taken care of and by someone that is young enough and able. . . Hence a big brother. It is a basic primitive need from birth. Protection from the elements and predators.

 

[Daphna]

Hello

Sounds like Daphnis recommends not seeking for a platonic male relationship. Is that correct? That it is unrealistic? I wonder if everyone agrees? I see Daphna’s point. It also seems like Daphna is saying that we cannot trust humans and can only trust God. Trusting something that is based on blind faith is similar to trusting people in many ways. Both are hope. Hope keeps us living. But reaching that hopeful goal keeps us going. Arguing points only triggers and upsets people I feel. At least it upsets me. I empathize with Hero. We just want to be taken care of and by someone that is young enough and able. . . Hence a big brother. It is a basic primitive need from birth. Protection from the elements and predators.

My main goal isn’t to be contentious, but to give warning of some real threats. I have platonic relationships, but there’s no fantasy involved. The bond is purely friendship, so the expectations are based on friendship. I don’t ask them to put me before anyone else or to invest time in me that would take from their other relationships. There’s also no pretending. I’m not living out a fantasy with them playing along.
Going around searching for someone to do so, could lead to some dangerous situations. Hence why I mention con artists and predators. These are people I’m referencing that could financially and physically abuse someone who is actively inviting a stranger into their life in a intimate way, meaning to be as close as a brother. That’s all I was saying. As for blind faith etc..there’s nothing blind about my faith. I even admit that you couldn’t even fully rely on those who bond in faith and claim to be spiritual siblings to be able to fulfill this fantasy. As it is, humans are flesh drivin.

 

[Hero]

I don’t ask them to put me before anyone else or to invest time in me that would take from their other relationships.

That's not what I meant it all... But thank you for the warning. I'm just not ready for advice at the moment.

 

[Lady Wolfshead]

I don't think you should feel at all guilty about your obsession, which is innocent and simply wanting a platonic relationship with a brotherly older male. I do think most men want a sexual and romantic relationship and prioritize that over a sister, even a biological sister. I hope it doesn't sound stupid but could you create a big brother in your imagination? He would be a part of you -- not really imaginary but I believe everyone has some male and female in them regardless of gender. And I'm not saying don't look for this in real life but remember that your true soul sibling is yourself. Maybe your Big Brother could be the part of you that looks out for yourself. What would he say to you, right now, do you think? Maybe he would tell you that you are enough - you don't need any other person to validate your life or to protect you. You can look after yourself. And while you look for someone IRL to have this special relationship with, know that you can always fall back on the Big Brother within.

 

[Walker]

Hi - can I ask something here?
I've read this thread and I'm going somewhere with this...
Is this someone you would like to live with? This Big Brother? Like if you could be room mates with him, would that be the perfect situation in your head? Or does that give you the creeps and you really just want to catch up for the day and hang out then go somewhere else?
(Just feeling this out in my own head)

 

[Hero]

Hi - can I ask something here?
I've read this thread and I'm going somewhere with this...
Is this someone you would like to live with? This Big Brother? Like if you could be room mates with him, would that be the perfect situation in your head? Or does that give you the creeps and you really just want to catch up for the day and hang out then go somewhere else?
(Just feeling this out in my own head)

Nope, I don't think of living with him. That sounds kind of messed up.
Just a note: I come from a culture where living with someone of the opposite gender who is not married to you or blood-related family is completely not accepted. Even if I get to move to a different country in the future, I'm not sure if I will still be able to get my culture out of me. So for me, living with a romantic partner who isn't a husband is also messed up.

 

[Hero]

I wonder if it would have been better if I hadn't posted this thread. My very bad (untreated) OCD causes me to link unrelated things together which results in me getting triggered and I can find triggers in things that people say which nobody could consider triggering in any way. I also have a hard time accepting that getting questions related to this big brother subject comes from simply a good intention to be more familiar with my problem and instead I can't help but get the feeling that my problem is too weird, making me feel even more out of place in the world. That's why I considered not mentioning this subject at all on here at first. I wanted to state what I had mentioned above in the post but it was too much effort trying to explain the problem itself and I just didn't have any more energy.

This problem is one of the reasons I always get negative feelings towards almost every therapist/psychiatric I see and eventually stop seeing them and look for another. None of them understand me or this problem properly and all they give me are responses that piss me off and make me feel even more depressed. I know the lack of understanding is their fault not mine because generally they fail to see that I'm different from most people who see them and keep trying common solutions for my problems that never work for me.

I'm really sick of myself. Why do I have to be this way? If I was meant to have problems and suffer, why didn't I at least have more common problems?
I know I'm making myself sound like a stupid drama queen. I should just shut up.