So I looked over some of my recent posts and noticed that I was complaining for the most part. By complaining I mean to take things negatively without asking myself about what would be incrementally better within the scope of what I can do. I wonder if this might be prolonging and/or worsening my distress.
I want to be realistic about where I am. I strongly believe that pasting on a happy face and ignoring everything that is not okay is also problematic, and even worse in that regard.
So I want to experiment with informally troubleshooting what is aggravating me. Because I value mindfulness, I want this experiment to also include nonjudgmental awareness.
All that said, right now, I feel like shit. That’s a problem, but it’s not terrible. It’s universal for all humans to have good and bad days. It’s worse with depression; the ratio of bad to good days is higher the more severe the depression is. The good days are rarely joyful, but more like less intense subjective symptoms. And this is my human condition. I could improve on how often I remind myself that it’s unwise for me to compare my moods to non depressed people. I want to get better, and I can only start with where I am.
I don’t think that it’s healthy to be stressing over the fact that my set point mood is far lower than average. It’s something that is there and it’s workable to an extent. It’s what my health happens to be. The common analogy is to mention that type 1 diabetics need to inject insulin at least once a day. This is not the normal, but it’s that way for people affected.
It gets complex, though, because social attitudes are different for physical disorders than for mental illness. Very few people would criticize a diabetic for needing insulin. It’s not like non-diabetics talk down to diabetics as if they’re just not working hard enough. Nobody says, “just eat right and exercise, practice mindfulness, etc. and you’ll fix your pancreas!” I have not seen one self-help author suggest that diabetes can be cured by taking the right supplements and thinking positively so as to attract perfect health. Anyone who did would have a hard time getting a publisher to take the manuscript seriously.
By comparison, I have seen analogous suggestions almost 100% of the time that depression is discussed, and the same for any other psychological problems. The only time I find realistic conversation about living with depression is when the author is a trained and licensed clinician. Even then, though, I sometimes read about interventions that feel like I’m expected to “walk it off” when it is a broken leg! How in the actual F- am I supposed to “practice good self care” when I’m too depressed to get dressed and it’s an accomplishment just to get out of bed?
I don’t even know how to talk to people and doing things with strangers is like going to the gym for 2.5 hours. It’s possible, but only if I don’t do anything else for the next 2 days. My depression has a lot to do with the fact that I’m lonely af, but the problem with “just getting out there” is that I freeze up at the very thought of meeting new people unless it’s in a structured environment. And yet if I had a dollar for every time I have seen meetup proposed as an unfailing panacea for loneliness, I’d have… at least enough to cover a trip to the barber, lol.
So - screw the advice; I need to find out what works for me. I’m only going to figure it out through trying, failing, and adapting accordingly. More importantly, I’m doing myself no favors when I’m internalizing social stigma; I feel fking defective and broken enough already. Thus, my depression is not a great situation, nor is it a personal failure.
It’s too much to address everything at the same time. I don’t have the ability to teleport, so I must go step by step with the awareness that setbacks are inevitable. For today, doing something is better than nothing. Maybe I can do more, but it will be fine if I just make an inch of progress.
I want to be realistic about where I am. I strongly believe that pasting on a happy face and ignoring everything that is not okay is also problematic, and even worse in that regard.
So I want to experiment with informally troubleshooting what is aggravating me. Because I value mindfulness, I want this experiment to also include nonjudgmental awareness.
All that said, right now, I feel like shit. That’s a problem, but it’s not terrible. It’s universal for all humans to have good and bad days. It’s worse with depression; the ratio of bad to good days is higher the more severe the depression is. The good days are rarely joyful, but more like less intense subjective symptoms. And this is my human condition. I could improve on how often I remind myself that it’s unwise for me to compare my moods to non depressed people. I want to get better, and I can only start with where I am.
I don’t think that it’s healthy to be stressing over the fact that my set point mood is far lower than average. It’s something that is there and it’s workable to an extent. It’s what my health happens to be. The common analogy is to mention that type 1 diabetics need to inject insulin at least once a day. This is not the normal, but it’s that way for people affected.
It gets complex, though, because social attitudes are different for physical disorders than for mental illness. Very few people would criticize a diabetic for needing insulin. It’s not like non-diabetics talk down to diabetics as if they’re just not working hard enough. Nobody says, “just eat right and exercise, practice mindfulness, etc. and you’ll fix your pancreas!” I have not seen one self-help author suggest that diabetes can be cured by taking the right supplements and thinking positively so as to attract perfect health. Anyone who did would have a hard time getting a publisher to take the manuscript seriously.
By comparison, I have seen analogous suggestions almost 100% of the time that depression is discussed, and the same for any other psychological problems. The only time I find realistic conversation about living with depression is when the author is a trained and licensed clinician. Even then, though, I sometimes read about interventions that feel like I’m expected to “walk it off” when it is a broken leg! How in the actual F- am I supposed to “practice good self care” when I’m too depressed to get dressed and it’s an accomplishment just to get out of bed?
I don’t even know how to talk to people and doing things with strangers is like going to the gym for 2.5 hours. It’s possible, but only if I don’t do anything else for the next 2 days. My depression has a lot to do with the fact that I’m lonely af, but the problem with “just getting out there” is that I freeze up at the very thought of meeting new people unless it’s in a structured environment. And yet if I had a dollar for every time I have seen meetup proposed as an unfailing panacea for loneliness, I’d have… at least enough to cover a trip to the barber, lol.
So - screw the advice; I need to find out what works for me. I’m only going to figure it out through trying, failing, and adapting accordingly. More importantly, I’m doing myself no favors when I’m internalizing social stigma; I feel fking defective and broken enough already. Thus, my depression is not a great situation, nor is it a personal failure.
It’s too much to address everything at the same time. I don’t have the ability to teleport, so I must go step by step with the awareness that setbacks are inevitable. For today, doing something is better than nothing. Maybe I can do more, but it will be fine if I just make an inch of progress.
