I don’t think things will ever get better

[MoonlightFirefly]

Everything about me is pathetic. I promised myself that, now that I’m 20, I’d try to get better and do something about my issue. But I feel no different than I did years ago.

I watch other people go out and have lives, and see people out with their groups of friends, and it makes me feel so sad and pathetic. All I do is nothing. I want a group of friends, I want people to hang out with and text and share things with. But then again, it’s me so nobody wants me in their circle so why bother even trying anymore And I want to do things. I want to have hobbies and passions. Everything I do is so uninspired because nothing is enjoyable for me. I try to make it fun, but I just keep thinking how pointless it is and how boring it is and how much I want to go to bed and sleep. I hate seeing the people around me happy whether that’s with friends, or with a partner because I can’t have that no matter how hard I try. I just want someone to care about me. Someone to actually love me. Everyone just tell me to take care of myself, love myself and that I should distract myself, but I DO TRY. I try so hard every day just to be met with disappointment. But why is it so hard for me to get just a bit of affection and attention. All my friends left me. And I don’t understand why because I’m always being gentle and helpful and fun. But why does it feel like everyone just used me. Why do I have to beg just for some kind words. Maybe im just a hypocrite. Everyone say it will be better and sure it will be better in some moments. I try so hard to see beauty in the world around me and stay positive when it needed but everything reminds me of past trauma and abuse.

I’ve got no one to talk to at all. I’m so lonely.
Sometimes I think it’s because I’m trying too hard or because I’m ugly. Maybe if I had some money and a proper job I’d just fly far away and start anew but I can’t do. I can't do anything. I tried so hard. I can't help myself... I just want some love and peace. This is so unfair.

This seems so grim and bleak but on a brighter note, i start new meds monday, after not being on any for 2 years and im HOPING that they help me in some way, shape or form. It's the last chance I’m giving myself before I give up entirely.

 

[may71]

I'm sorry you're going through this MoonlightFirefly.

It's very common for people to have problems with relationships. You may see people in public that seem happy, but you're also not seeing the fights and breakups. You're also not seeing the people who are staying at home.

If you're depressed or struggling in any way, it's hard to connect with people because people tend to be attracted to things that are superficially appealing, something that they will gain rather than something that they will give.

If you're traumatized, that can make connecting difficult too if you feel like there's something about you that you can't share with others. The flip side of that is that if you can share your inner experiences with someone else, that can help you become closer.

I think you might be able to find some relationships that you like, but you'd have to find people who are willing and able to connect to someone who is depressed and traumatized.

i start new meds monday

I hope the new meds will go well.

It's the last chance I’m giving myself before I give up entirely.

Meds and therapy are the typical conventional first-line of treatment. There's a lot more to treatment than just meds and therapy though.

I hope something can help.

 

[cots]

I find that being true to myself and doing things I love help. When i was in my 20s, I pretended to be an extrovert - I went to bars, joined parties, invited myself everywhere but all I've gotten were false friends and i felt extremely disgusted with myself.

In my 30s i stopped looking. I stopped searching for people. I hid in my room, did my own things, became the introvert i always was and behold! People started asking me to hang out! And these people are friends i plan to keep for life because we have things in common, unlike those friends I made when I was pretending to be someone i wasn't.

Focus on yourself, and things will naturally go your way.

 

[iloverachel]

We are here for you my friend
I know how bad life can get when you are sad and alone
I used to suffer from anhedonia and lost interest in all activities for many years, close to 9
Now I reconnected with my main passion in life which was gym and I managed to meet a lot of great people and hopefully you are able to too
Best of luck