I don't even know where to begin

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by KaRue, Jan 7, 2015.

  1. KaRue

    KaRue Member

    Warning: Long post ahead

    I have been dating the same guy in a healthy monogamous relationship for nearly three years. Ever since the year mark, his parents and mine have been habitually trying to tear us apart due to our differences in religion. I'm a Christian, while he is an Atheist. It has come to the point before of us having no choice but to break up, which forced me into a 2 month depression because I was confused about whether or not I was wrong for loving someone of a different belief system.

    We have since gotten back together, and broken up again at just before the 3 year mark. We now have a secret relationship in which we get to see one another once to twice a month for little more than an hour at a time. The reason for him only being around twice a month is due to him being in college, and following his younger brother to the custody of each parent. They divorced shortly after we broke up the first time.

    I am 18 years old and am close to graduating high school, but am scared about whether or not my parents will continue to control my life. Already my mom tells me that if I don't go to a Christian college I'll be a failure at life, and can date my worthless son of a b!tch "Ex" boyfriend.

    Let’s get something straight, though. My parents aren’t horrible people, in fact, I’d rate them high on the list of parents of the history of the world. They love me, provide me with everything I need, help me through my struggles, and are even willing to help pay for my college.

    The problem is that my dad isn’t home often and my mom is running the house, thus being my only parent. She and I are very emotional, and share the same illogical thought process when we get angry. Case in point, there’s a college not far from where I live (a university) and my mom goes into tangents of how it’s an awful school and if I go there I will stop being a Christian, and that I will be a failure.

    When she gets upset, she guilts everyone into staying in the house and then proceeds to throw a tantrum. This happens almost every day. I have no choice but to stay locked in my room, entertaining myself with whatever I can. Her rages cause me to hate myself because she says such awful things, twisting the truth into a knife and repetitively stabbing me with it. I haven’t cut in nearly six months, but I jave taken to writing every terrible thing I think of myself on my body with a Sharpie.

    Everything she says, when you look at it, is true. I’m a no good liar. A useless piece of shit. A waste of space. God’s mistake.

    At this point, the only things keeping from killing myself are that I haven’t published my novella yet, the fact that Levi would be heartbroken, and that my mom would die of a broken heart. I just feel like this world doesn’t need me in it. Nothing I do is ever good enough, and when I try to do good, I end up just lying. I’m an awful human being with nothing to redeem myself with.

    Sorry for rambling.
  2. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. Sorry to hear about your situation. It's a difficult situation to deal with but the important is that you are safe. Yes, you world is torn apart where you want to please your parents and be with your boyfriend. It will cause you a lot of emotional turmoil but I understand why your keep the relationship secret.

    You mum is trying her best, in that she thinks the religion will keep you on the right path but we all learn from our mistakes. You parents are only trying to give you the best advice and life experience. You need to speak to someone about your feelings as it just cause your more turmoil. I strongly suggest that you keep posting here as we can help you in this turbulent time.

    Please take care of yourself and remember you are not alone in suffering anguish like others on this forum.
  3. KaRue

    KaRue Member

    Thank you for replying.

    Shortly after posting this thread, my mom caught me on the phone with Levi. She took my phone away and basically told me to go into my room and not come out. This kept me awake for most of the night: Not knowing what she was going to do about it.

    She asked me about it and I told her that was the second time Levi and I have talked since we were forcibly broken up. I convinced her of this, but now she has my dad ready to give me a talk. Both are probably going to tell me that I can go to the same university as him if I want to throw my life away, but that I won't get any financial help from them.

    They control me by threatening to take away the financial aid for college, which is a big deal to me because I don't qualify for government aid, at all. Did I mention they're basically forcing me to go to a college that is $30,000 a year? Sure I like the campus, but they forced me to choose a Christian college. My dad pulled out the idea of no financial support, while my mom guilted me to death.

    So right now I am sitting at my desk and looking ahead to my bleak future. Everything I do will continue to be dictated by my parents, and I will never receive their blessing to date Levi. All I want is an education and to be with the person I love, but they've already taken one away, and will probably do the same thing to the other if I don't go to this wonderful college.

    I can't talk to our counselor because she is good friends with my mom, there are no parental figures of my friends who can really help me, and I live in a rural area so there is nowhere to go to get any help.

    I'm scared and confused, and worried about what I'm going to do to myself if my mom has another episode. I scared of everyone and everything and am finding it increasingly difficult to find happiness in life.

    Sorry if I didn't explain to well or if I rambled, I don't normally have the ability to talk to anyone about this.
  4. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Eccentric writer, general weirdo, heedless heathen

    It sounds as if you are being verbally abused -- no parent should talk to their child that way, even if they are in a rage or having a temper tantrum. They still have control of the words that come out of their mouth. It's unfortunate that your parents do not accept your boyfriend, just because his belief system clashes with theirs. But you are 18 years old, an adult, and your parents can't control you forever. They really should have no say in your life now, and you don't always have to live under their rule of thumb. Once you go to college, or move out, or whatever you decide to do in the future, they have no say in what you do. What your mom says when she is mad is not true, so please don't take it to heart.
  5. KaRue

    KaRue Member

    The problem is, I can't call my mom on it because I've said even worse things while angry at her. It scares me that I'm so much like her, and I know that when I have children, I will probably hurt them the same way she hurts me. That's why I've decided to not have children at all. Better to avoid hurt than take the risk of giving it.

    Also, I would completely tell her that I am an adult and that I can date who I want, but she would throw it in my face that I can move out, or start paying rent.
  6. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

    My question is will going to a non religious related college make you a less a Christian compared to going to a Christian college?

    Boyfriends come and go, it's a given fact of life you're going to decide on a school because of a boy or are you going to decide on a school because of education, major, and COST of schooling. Take him out of the equation while defending your choice. (Wink)

    Reality is so many college students are in bad postition due to tuition debt. A lot parents are in bad financial place because of the unpaid loans they consigned for, this is something a prospective student need to think ahead about. Massive debt situation in America w colleges it's bad bad now. Do a bit research and show your parents the numbers.

    Explain to your parents your college choice and explain its not because of the boy, that you're mature enough to think ahead with finances and costs of college and it won't make you any less Christian. The boy just happens to be a bonus unsaid to your parents.
  7. KaRue

    KaRue Member

    I did try to explain this to them, but they won't budge. I have three older siblings, two of which went to a non-Christian school and have thus somewhat abandoned their faiths. The other has never gone to college and isn't a Christian, but she's a whole other story.

    I'm not allowed to see, speak to, or hear anything from this guy. He's off-limits because my parents have had it with his unwillingness to go to church.

    I can try to talk to them again, but I'm not sure how it'll go.
  8. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi KaRue,

    It's a difficult time and the emotional blackmail from your parents not financing your education is not nice. You may need to find a half-way solution with your boyfriend and just remain good friends. It's not nice when you are forced into a corner but you can find a solution. Perhaps a simple comprise might help and your parents need to understand this. You go to a Christian college but there is nothing stopping you writing to your boyfriend by letter or email. Perhaps you can use this forum as method to help each other using the PM facility. Please do not worry, I know if your parents find out it will disappoint them but you can remain good friends.

    Yes, it's hard without any face to face or vocal contact, but it's a comprise whilst you completing your studies. Once you have completed your studies and you are self-sufficient , you can continue the relationship. At the moment life is hard but remember you are not struggling on your own. Please remain calm and just focus on your studies. I know it's easy to say but deal with one day at at time. Please be safe at this tought time and keep posting here as it will help you.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 9, 2015
  9. KaRue

    KaRue Member

    Thank you for all of your help. I have recently talked to my mom and I think we may have had a breakthrough. She found out that I was thinking of moving out, and she blamed herself. We talked it out, and she's going to try to watch her temper as well as how mch she's being a helicopter parent.

    Really, thanks for supporting me. I've really been struggling these last few days, and all of you guys have helped me pull through. :)