Warning: Long post ahead I have been dating the same guy in a healthy monogamous relationship for nearly three years. Ever since the year mark, his parents and mine have been habitually trying to tear us apart due to our differences in religion. I'm a Christian, while he is an Atheist. It has come to the point before of us having no choice but to break up, which forced me into a 2 month depression because I was confused about whether or not I was wrong for loving someone of a different belief system. We have since gotten back together, and broken up again at just before the 3 year mark. We now have a secret relationship in which we get to see one another once to twice a month for little more than an hour at a time. The reason for him only being around twice a month is due to him being in college, and following his younger brother to the custody of each parent. They divorced shortly after we broke up the first time. I am 18 years old and am close to graduating high school, but am scared about whether or not my parents will continue to control my life. Already my mom tells me that if I don't go to a Christian college I'll be a failure at life, and can date my worthless son of a b!tch "Ex" boyfriend. Let’s get something straight, though. My parents aren’t horrible people, in fact, I’d rate them high on the list of parents of the history of the world. They love me, provide me with everything I need, help me through my struggles, and are even willing to help pay for my college. The problem is that my dad isn’t home often and my mom is running the house, thus being my only parent. She and I are very emotional, and share the same illogical thought process when we get angry. Case in point, there’s a college not far from where I live (a university) and my mom goes into tangents of how it’s an awful school and if I go there I will stop being a Christian, and that I will be a failure. When she gets upset, she guilts everyone into staying in the house and then proceeds to throw a tantrum. This happens almost every day. I have no choice but to stay locked in my room, entertaining myself with whatever I can. Her rages cause me to hate myself because she says such awful things, twisting the truth into a knife and repetitively stabbing me with it. I haven’t cut in nearly six months, but I jave taken to writing every terrible thing I think of myself on my body with a Sharpie. Everything she says, when you look at it, is true. I’m a no good liar. A useless piece of shit. A waste of space. God’s mistake. At this point, the only things keeping from killing myself are that I haven’t published my novella yet, the fact that Levi would be heartbroken, and that my mom would die of a broken heart. I just feel like this world doesn’t need me in it. Nothing I do is ever good enough, and when I try to do good, I end up just lying. I’m an awful human being with nothing to redeem myself with. Sorry for rambling.