I wasn't sure where to post this since my depression revolves around very broad topics but... here I go. I think I've always been depressed. My mother says that that's just how the depression makes you feel, that it knocks you down and makes you think you've never seen the up side. I don't think that's true. Of course I've had those few glistening moments of happiness like anyone else in life but throughout it all I've been depressed. I know it's a clinical depression. I used to take pills for it until turning to marijuana as a substitute. It all started when I was a kid, though. Before the pills and the drugs, I was bullied a lot at school and didn't have much of a home life. My mom was working late shifts at a diner and addicted to cocaine. My dad lived far away, my parents having divorced when I was 4. I had my step dad but he had problems of his own with being bipolar and then drinking right on top of that along with the drugs he shared with my mom. I was constantly teased and put down by my peers. I never had any friends in school. People thought I was annoying and picked on me for liking anime and expressing my interests. It still stings when I think about the way they pushed me around and the names they called me. That's when the depression started. It only got worse as time went on. When I was 12, I started smoking weed with my big brother. It wasn't a good idea in retrospect. They say you can't get addicted to weed but they're wrong. I did. I am. When you're use to having that feeling of relief at least once a day, going without it can do nothing short of make you lose your mind. I don't want to smoke weed anymore. I know it makes me dumber. I've already seen the way it's effected my writting and creativity. I'm afraid to quit, though. I know that without it I can't function and that with it I can't be happy. In the long run, it only makes my depression worse. Just last year I dropped out of college. Once I was out of highschool I focused too much on trying to develop my self and not enough on my studies. Smoking and blowing off class didn't help either. Despite everything, I felt optimistic when I started to go to college but the pressure was nearly too much to take and it was around this time I fell in love. I had been doing so well. For once I felt like I didn't have any need for depression anymore. I was having a great time at college even if my grades were slipping but... then I fell in love. That's the sittuation that consumes my life these days. He's the most amazing human being I've met. I know I'll never meet another like him. He's everything I've always wanted in another person and everything I want to see within my self. I'm happy when I'm with him. I can be myself when I'm with him. But of course he has a girlfriend that he's been with for eight years and that's not changing anytime soon. Just recently he was in a car crash and I feel worse than ever knowing he's there and I'm here and there's nothing I can do to help him. I think I'll always be alone and this is why I contemplate suicide. As wonderful and as beautiful as the world can be, it's also incredibly cruel and hopeless. I use to believe that the meaning to life is leaving the world as a better place than you found it but I couldn't care less about that anymore. The only mark I want to leave is on HIM and sometimes I get the idea that killing myself is the way to do that. At least I'd die with my heart full of love for him. The problem is, I live with my mother and I love her very much. I'm her only friend in life and vice versa. If I were to die now I know it would break her but the idea of living to see her die... when that day comes, I don't know what I'll do. I'm running out of options. I can't go back to school, I can't find a job, I can't even geet this guy to like me even a little... I'm not attractive, I'm overweight, and I know these things shouldn't matter but they nag at me every waking moment. I just don't know how to be happy. This depression, this loneliness, has consmed me. I've been hollowed out into an empty shell and drained of all my milk and love. The universe does not love me. I will die and the world will keep spinning. We are all so tiny, here as on a darkling plain and then gone again. There is too much injustice in this world to make sense of it. There's too much pain to stay. I don't WANT to kill myself but I feel like if I do it will just be easier that way... but I know I'm being selfish. I just don't know what to do. I just want to stop the bad memories and the pain in my chest. I don't know what to do about any of it anymore. I just don't know how to be happy... Well... that was my two cents. If you can offer any sort of enlightenment or suggestion... well... it would help. Thank you for listening.