I dont know how to feel anymore

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by RubensMel, Sep 6, 2017.

  1. RubensMel

    RubensMel Member

    I posted already in My Story but maybe this is where I should be. My Brother came to my house on July 25, we talked he rubbed my back and said "I love you Mel" walked outside and Hit my boyfriend of ten years in the head with a hammer over and over from behind. He never said a word about Ruben to me, they have never had even a disagreement, I had no reason to believe my brother would do this to anyone much less the man I love. This all happened without any warning or explanation. See Im crippled and for the past ten years now Ruben has loved me and cared for me and all my needs. He truly loved me as much as I love him. He made me feel smart and beautiful and never like a burden. He loved me in spite of my condition. So why would my own brother who I also love and never argued with or had any issues with decide to come to my house to kill the man I love? Ruben was in a coma until August 21 when he passed away. I was only allowed to see him a few times while he was alive. His kids are all grown and his oldest son who has never in the past ten years even invited his dad to his house and has only been to our house about 8 times wouldnt allow me to see Ruben unless I gave him Rubens tools. I had nothing to do with him and his dad not spending time together, according to Ruben it was his sons wife who had an issue with Ruben. But it was my brother who attacked his dad. I didnt know Ruben was attacked when my dad first came to get me because he found ruben hurt in the garage. Ruben had been working with a grinder earlier that day so I thought maybe it was somehow involved or maybe something fell on him. That was at 3:49 p.m. and I didnt find out it wasnt an accident until around 10 p.m. When I was finally able to go to the hospital to see him his son refused to let me. He came and got the first load of tools about 4 days after the attack. He came to get the second load and cleaned out the garage only 2 days after he died. He wants to strip everything and anything that has to do with Ruben from my house because he says this is where his dad was hurt. Who cares that we spent the past ten years together and that he knows I had nothing to do with this or that I had no way of knowing my brother would do this. So Ruben is disappearing all around me and I think Im losing my mind because since this started I have had little sleep because I cant not see what I saw. I barely eat because my stomach feels like its constantly in knots. My family feels so bad they can barely talk to me and Im not sure I can trust his kids, well I am close to his daughter but brother trumps me naturally. All I do is sit here all day every day waiting for him going over that day in my head and every conversation my brother and I have had as far back as I can remember looking for clues. I still dont know why he did this. I still cant believe this is real. Ive never felt pain like this and I have a hard time focusing. This has taken me 2 days to write so far. Im having a hard time wrapping my mind around this whole thing and Im really not sure I ever will.
  2. Dominiquebec

    Dominiquebec Active Member

    Sometimes, people are choosing anger to avoid dealing with grieving Mel. It is awful and unfair to you but his son is dealing with it as best as he can and I hope you will find a way to sit with him and have a heart to heart at some later point. We all feel for you and nobody will blame you for taking all the time in the world to get ''passed'' that terrible terrible event. Our thoughts are with you.

  3. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    This is really sad. He probably didn't want you guys to be married? Maybe he's a mentally unstable? Did you ask him why?
  4. Lace&Whiskey1

    Lace&Whiskey1 Member

    Hello friend, I'm not sure this will help but here goes. 7 years ago my dear friend Mike was murdered by a mutual childhood friend, Dave. We had known Dave for years. When you lose someone so suddenly and violently you will of course ask yourself why! Well I did that. And here is what I pieced together; there will never be an acceptable reason why. In my case it was because Dave had a traumatic brain injury and had been doing some drugs that made him very agitated. He wasn't angry at Mike in particular, he was just angry and proceeded to unload in the worst way a person can. I even asked him while he was in prison; "why did you do so such a thing? How could you take the life of someone who loved you?" And he didn't know. There was no reason he could give that would patch up the giant hole. Your brother may have a similar thing going on, something inside may just snapped. And because of this you will need to find your own path to peace every day. As for Ruben's son, although he was wrong and cruel to treat you that way, that is often times just another form of grief it's easier to be angry than to deal with the horror and the shock of what's happened. When Mike died his sister told all of his friends to leave her alone not to go to the funeral etc. because she was heartbroken and we happened to be there and we all reminded her of what she'd lost. Be good to yourself as you heal and know I am here should you need an ear.
  5. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    Wow, that's terrible, I'm sorry to hear that.

    The only thing I can think of is that maybe Ben was jealous or possessive? Maybe there was a mental health/brain issue that was a factor, but it's actually pretty rare that people with mental health problems commit murder.

    Maybe during the course of the trial things will start to make more sense, but I can't see how this could ever completely make sense.

    I'm glad that you had 10 years of happiness with Ruben, but I'm sorry that ended so suddenly and tragically.
  6. RubensMel

    RubensMel Member

    Most recently my brother Ben contacted my brother Mike and asked to see me. I told Mike Im not sure I can go there and pretend like nothing happened. Mike says thats not the case that Ben feels bad about it all. But will that be enough for me. Will I see him as my little helpless brother? I want to see him as the monster that killed the man I love. So tomorrow I see the therapist and Ive decided to talk to her first. I need to figure out what I want from Ben and if its something he can give me. Im not ready to forgive him yet I know that much. I will keep you posted.
  7. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    It's good that Ben feels bad about this, and that he's admitted what he did.

    That doesn't erase the fact that he committed murder.

    It could be that Ben has a brain tumor, or some other medical condition that made his actions completely beyond his control, or mostly beyond his control.

    That might be a basis for forgiving him eventually.

    I don't think that you have to force yourself to do that though.
  8. RubensMel

    RubensMel Member

    Ben has schizophrenia. He was also battling a meth addiction. He had to move apart from his daughter and her mother. Ive given him a million excuses in my head. The thing that makes it so hard for me to connect it all is that he came to mine and Rubens home and did this. We never went to his home so we couldnt have even been mistaken as a threat since hed only see us if he came looking for us. I dont know if that even makes sense. Sometimes I even forget if Im supposed to be defending my brother as any older sibling would do or hating the monster that did this. I dont even know where to start yet as far as forgiving him goes. At the moment Im still trying to make myself believe my own brother is that monster. Im no different than any sister who loves all my brothers and sisters. And if someone had told me before hey your brother is going to kill someone Id have been no different than most people and said no way. Now Im supposed to connect this with him. I think its more then my brain can handle right now I think....