Obvious trigger warning for childhood sexual abuse, I will try not to go into details, (some horrible stuff will be mentioned, but there won't be major details.) just need to write how I feel about the memories and my dad.
I hate how gross my memories make me feel, because they're somatic, it just feels like the events are actually happening again. It makes nauseous to my core, with how intense and vivid my memories have been getting, and I don't know how to stop them. They just pop up randomly throughout the day, even when I'm not dealing with any triggers. I will suddenly just go nonverbal, or just make gross fucking noises and get dizzy, and go find somewhere to "wait out" my flashbacks. The only thing that subsides the realism in my flashbacks is weed, it makes the flashbacks become background noise I can tolerate, but being high all the time has also been having it's downsides. And I can't just keep being cali sober 24/7 like this for the rest of my life, right?? I need to find something more to help me out than just recreational substance, even though it's helped me process my memories tenfold compared to any therapist I've ever had the misfortune of sitting down with. I hope I find something to help me out, but right now, I feel so stuck in my own brain. I feel so isolated trying to process any of the shit I have to deal with, just because of how complex it is. I hate it. It makes me feel like a fish caught on a hook I didn't see.
I hate how gross my memories make me feel, because they're somatic, it just feels like the events are actually happening again. It makes nauseous to my core, with how intense and vivid my memories have been getting, and I don't know how to stop them. They just pop up randomly throughout the day, even when I'm not dealing with any triggers. I will suddenly just go nonverbal, or just make gross fucking noises and get dizzy, and go find somewhere to "wait out" my flashbacks. The only thing that subsides the realism in my flashbacks is weed, it makes the flashbacks become background noise I can tolerate, but being high all the time has also been having it's downsides. And I can't just keep being cali sober 24/7 like this for the rest of my life, right?? I need to find something more to help me out than just recreational substance, even though it's helped me process my memories tenfold compared to any therapist I've ever had the misfortune of sitting down with. I hope I find something to help me out, but right now, I feel so stuck in my own brain. I feel so isolated trying to process any of the shit I have to deal with, just because of how complex it is. I hate it. It makes me feel like a fish caught on a hook I didn't see.
