I don't know what I have but I'm struggling.

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by svm299, Mar 22, 2013.

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  1. svm299

    svm299 Member

    I am 22 years old. I've struggled now for 11 years. I've been to counselors since I was 14. I've been told I have anything starting from bipolar disorder to borderline personality disorder. I started cutting at the age of 11 and that continued for nine years. I had a spout with drugs to deal and cleaned up three years ago. I fixed relationships, quit going to counseling, and quit taking my medication. I got back into college. I live on my own now working full time and going to school. I just went through a traumatic breakup five months ago. It turned my whole world around. I started out making myself stay strong, telling myself I could never let these mental issues make me fall apart like I did before. I don't want to go back to a hospital. Now I have a strange view of the world. I hate humans. I hate how people are. I used to be able to overlook this and accept that people are people. Just as much as I can't forgive others I refuse to forgive myself. I fear I will ruin relationships again. I fear no one will ever be able to handle me. To everyone around me I'm an attractive college student that makes perfect grades. I smile and laugh. It's easy for me to act because people don't know. When I let someone into how I truly feel I start to feel vulnerable and my condition gets worse. So I have two choices. Live without being able to talk to anyone in order to hold my image together, or continue to confide and fear I will relapse the way I did so long ago. Hardly anyone knows that everything inside me is falling apart. I feel on a constant basis that I am on the edge of falling into something dark. I do everything I can to keep my head above water. Quite honestly I'm exhausted. I thought I was over these things. I am almost worse inside now. I go to a counselor again now. It doesn't seem to help much. I can't afford a psychologist. I'm in complete desperation. I don't want to die, I just know that I can't imagine living anymore years this way. This has been my whole life. Will this be my whole life? I just want to be a normal girl. There hasn't been one truly happy emotion in me for a very long time now. Any advice please.
     
  2. Theodora

    Theodora Well-Known Member

    You had a hell of a difficult time for so long. But you had the strength and used the help available to form a better life for yourself. Sadly traumatic events can make us slightly more vulnerable when another stressful incident occurs. I'm one of them. I think you may be too. I'm flag you've got a counsellor. S/he may not be very good though s/he would have to be a miracle worker to make anyone feel brilliant when they're still grieving /coping with a traumatic break up. You might consider going back on meds for a while if they helped before. Get as much support as you can. Use us. You did it before at a very young age, you can do it again. I'm so sorry you have to though. Hugs,
     
  3. svm299

    svm299 Member

    Thank you for your input. I try to remember that I was once strong enough. I just fear the setback will make me believe less in that strength. I'll keep trying.
     
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