I am 22 years old. I've struggled now for 11 years. I've been to counselors since I was 14. I've been told I have anything starting from bipolar disorder to borderline personality disorder. I started cutting at the age of 11 and that continued for nine years. I had a spout with drugs to deal and cleaned up three years ago. I fixed relationships, quit going to counseling, and quit taking my medication. I got back into college. I live on my own now working full time and going to school. I just went through a traumatic breakup five months ago. It turned my whole world around. I started out making myself stay strong, telling myself I could never let these mental issues make me fall apart like I did before. I don't want to go back to a hospital. Now I have a strange view of the world. I hate humans. I hate how people are. I used to be able to overlook this and accept that people are people. Just as much as I can't forgive others I refuse to forgive myself. I fear I will ruin relationships again. I fear no one will ever be able to handle me. To everyone around me I'm an attractive college student that makes perfect grades. I smile and laugh. It's easy for me to act because people don't know. When I let someone into how I truly feel I start to feel vulnerable and my condition gets worse. So I have two choices. Live without being able to talk to anyone in order to hold my image together, or continue to confide and fear I will relapse the way I did so long ago. Hardly anyone knows that everything inside me is falling apart. I feel on a constant basis that I am on the edge of falling into something dark. I do everything I can to keep my head above water. Quite honestly I'm exhausted. I thought I was over these things. I am almost worse inside now. I go to a counselor again now. It doesn't seem to help much. I can't afford a psychologist. I'm in complete desperation. I don't want to die, I just know that I can't imagine living anymore years this way. This has been my whole life. Will this be my whole life? I just want to be a normal girl. There hasn't been one truly happy emotion in me for a very long time now. Any advice please.