I don't know where I am in life

[blu3]

I keep saying if and when x happens i will go, then the thing happens and i stay. Im not living. I can't think about tomorrow. Things keep getting worse and way way worse but im still here. *I* am getting worse as a person, less kind, less caring , more angry and forgetful. I used to be *too* kind. Now I've adopted the term "victim mindset" because if I did't look at my memories and past traumas all the time, I'm truly awful and don't deserve to live any more second. The only way i can minimise hurting others is by isolating myself, which doesn't make me a better person but worse, and it makes me fall deeper into this black hole. I forgot how to be a good-normal person, i don't feel human anymore. The only thing i can do to rest is sh but in a way that hurts my brain instead of my skin, it makes me not able to think but its very addictive. I don't do anything productive, or anything really. I cry all the time and i don't get out of bed or even talk to people online, when im supposed to be in the years im developing the most..one day i will wake up and i will be way behind everyone and i won't be able to do anything about it then
I don't know if i will ever get myself back. I feel so distant but still im in so so much pain all the time. Im so scared of the state im in. I don't do anything but ruin my life every day, i keep saying that its okay because i will die tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow ..and that tomorrow keeps moving further away.. Im so scared of the day i won't be able to say that, the day i wake up and realize how much i messed up, how lonely i became, the monster i became .. everything feels hopeless, meaningless, and life feels so far a way. I feel trapped between life and death, i can't reach any of them but i still have all the pain and emptiness
I want to run away, i want to get better, im so so tired of this i can't even explain how bad it is
Im sure i had some good moments in my life but i can't remember how it felt, i can't remember how hope felt like, i feel doomed from the start and forever, My birth was a curse on my family and im so sorry but i can't do anything about it
I feel so helpless
I want to get better so badly it hurt i don't want to die

 

[may71]

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad Blu3

The only way i can minimise hurting others is by isolating myself

Why do you feel like you have to isolate yourself to not hurt others?

 

[blu3]

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad Blu3

Why do you feel like you have to isolate yourself to not hurt others?

I've become an exhausting and difficult person to be around, even that I used to be the complete opposite. I withdraw from people a lot now, I don't reply and i leave messages unanswered for weeks or even months. I often cancel plans at the last minute. I can't show interest or empathy the way I used to, so I come across as cold or indifferent even though that's not how I actually feel.
I've become easily irritated, and I get upset over every small thing because I'm emotionally exhausted. Most of what I talk about is around complaining and hopelessness, my presence drains the people around me. I find myself seeking attention and forgiveness by venting and constantly showing how unwell I am, even though I hate that I do it and i know it's toxic. I can't keep my promises or responsibilities anymore, and most of the things I say I'll do never get done. I try to be positive but it's just impossible in a head space like this :/
Also, i don't want to hurt them when i die, so i try to say away until they forget me first
That's online..i didn’t have that much friends anyway but now i lost most of them because the way i am..and i cant even talk with the ones who i still have
, IRL i stay at home all the time and my relationship with my family is so bad everyone hates me already

 

[blu3]

I feel like a waste of everything..food, water,air,time, and everyone's efforts
I barely do anything

 

[Fbr27]

I don't know your circumstances but I can't give more importance to the idea that, if you are depressed, one thing that you have to do is give your mind some rest.

 

[KM76710]

I feel like a waste of everything..food, water,air,time, and everyone's efforts
I barely do anything

Sad to hear you feeling that, but it is one I share. I have felt my entire life would have been better if my time and gone to and was being used by someone else who might have, probably would have done more and better with it.

 

[may71]

my presence drains the people around me

I think that's a common experience that depressed people have. Most people seem to choose friends based on how that person gives something to them...entertains them or produces some benefit for them. Depressed people are generally not going to be energetic, entertaining, or give off "happy vibes", at least if they are showing their true selves. So it's easy to get labeled a "wet blanket" and have trouble maintaining friendships if you're depressed.

Also, i don't want to hurt them when i die, so i try to say away until they forget me first

The worst thing you can do to someone who loves you is to not let them love you. I think it might be better to level with your friends rather than to isolate yourself from them. Maybe you could explain what's going on and why you have stayed away, and then they can decide for themselves if they want to have contact with you or not.

I want to get better so badly it hurt i don't want to die

Particularly if your parents won't let you have access to professional treatment, there are some self-treatment methods that you could try. I could say more about that if you're interested.

I hope there's a way for things to get better.

 

[blu3]

I think that's a common experience that depressed people have. Most people seem to choose friends based on how that person gives something to them...entertains them or produces some benefit for them. Depressed people are generally not going to be energetic, entertaining, or give off "happy vibes", at least if they are showing their true selves. So it's easy to get labeled a "wet blanket" and have trouble maintaining friendships if you're depressed.

Its hard enough to exist, i wish i could pretend like others but im too tired already, i don't want to hurt or ruin the atmosphere

I have a younger sister and im always so anxious around her because i want her to be happy and healthy and i don't want her to copy me and its not fun to see your sister cry or panic every hour so i try to stay away from her but that doesn't help too

The worst thing you can do to someone who loves you is to not let them love you. I think it might be better to level with your friends rather than to isolate yourself from them. Maybe you could explain what's going on and why you have stayed away, and then they can decide for themselves if they want to have contact with you or not.[/QUOTE]
The two friends i have left know and im so grateful but im sure they are getting sick of it. People usually take a week or two not more than a year. I don't even know if im going to get better or not i cant help but feel so guilty and sorry whenever they show love. I feel like im very toxic and i love them so much i don't want to hurt them

Particularly if your parents won't let you have access to professional treatment, there are some self-treatment methods that you could try. I could say more about that if you're interested.[/QUOTE]
Thank you, i would love to know them

I hope there's a way for things to get better.
[/QUOTE]
I really hope so too, thank you for always being so helpful ❤️‍🩹

 

[may71]

its not fun to see your sister cry or panic every hour so i try to stay away from her but that doesn't help too

I think staying away from her is probably making things worse rather than better. Having a brother that cares about her in her life is valuable to her, even just the way you are.

I feel like im very toxic and i love them so much i don't want to hurt them

I think it would be ok to talk to them about this.

Thank you, i would love to know them

You're welcome!

This link (to a page on SF) has some info:

Self-Treatment and Miscellaneous

The root cause seems to be violence and abuse from your family, but the self-treatment methods can still be helpful even if you can't get directly at the root cause of your depression.

thank you for always being so helpful ❤️‍🩹

You're welcome! I hope things can get better soon.