I don't know

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by justMe7, Jan 28, 2013.

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  1. justMe7

    justMe7 Well-Known Member

    Sitting here again, and it's just nothing. Trying to just get the idea of how I am thinking and feeling and putting it into words is odd. I feel fake or like a tool, like I'm following or simply repeating something or someone else if I start something. There's nothing.. I don't see or feel or connect with anything. Just everything I don't like. When I start to connect with things I like they are far too impossible for me. I simply feel I can't when I try to begin trying. Then when I'm not im just stuck in this ball. I poke out and form an idea or some structure but it becomes engulfed in reality. My abilities are worse than a childs, my strength at development and planning is completely non-existent.

    And it just ticks...on. For every moment Im stuck in a blurr minutes go by. Hours go by. My portions of the day slide away. The necessities which I learn nothing from take over like an impact, and by the time I can wade away their imprint im ... a blurr again.

    There really are no answers for this. I believe this is self created through years of hiding and fear of failing, (for reasons) that I preserved the awareness by holding onto "ill do it when the times right". But so much around me I didn't expect. So much failing on my part. I can barely retain moments before now. And with no substance or anything that I am proud of this compounding failure keeps chasing me and reminding me. I dont want contrast.. maybe Im too defiant internally. I don't want to mimic.. im tired of being told how things are. I want to comprehend things on my own. Im even more of a failure if it's al lspelt out for me. What sort of a person am I if someone tells me or shows me something I would never have seen or not picked up on. Doesn't that mean they connected me with that. I never found it. Im layered with theirs ..
    What good am I to myself? There's nothing. When I get going I make more and more mistakes. I simply keep quiet to stop 100 mistakes from forming. Im good at nothing.. absolutely nothing. It's not a plea.. it's a reality Im seriously disassociating with in order to keep some form of optimism alive.
    It's all wacked. My minds been a numb burden at times. I don't believe what I feel and think. None of it's true. I can't ignore larger issues because they surround the smaller ones. The smaller ones hurt the worst...
    idk what the point of this post is. I used to be ontop of things and have energy. Now.. sleep eating going out talking thinking feeling comprehending acting moving ... all the expressions of whatever i am. useless. and this uselessness as much of a numbing blurr is like a bleeding river to whatever I am. Slowly and quietly I think it's removing my foundations. Like.. I think maybe when I was younger I would have felt, known and perhaps reacted to certain feelings or perceptions, in order to keep my internal self intact. The basics of survival. Instinctively or thought out cares to things. Now... I dont know. I dont even know why, whats the point. I dredd to look at myself more and more because my gaze ...

    Wish this would have made me feel a bit better inside but I cant find that point where a positive progression shines against this decomposing state. I keep ... i dont like what I am. Kinda sucks.
    I cared before. But perhaps under nieve false pretenses. Realities coming home. Maybe im weak.. well lets be honest. This is by far an attribute of weakness. Sheer utter pathetic weakness. Inability to survive, cope, maintain and progress.
    I can't even see the difference between me and what's around me that well anymore. The lines are gone. Did they truly exist? well yeh they do.. i mean im me. But
    I don't feel alive. Donno what alive feels like. I know what a charge and stimulation feel like. But I don't know anymore what being alive feels like. I suppose that's all relative anyhow. Perhaps I don't remember how I feel alive. Or I hate how Ive developed. Perhaps I just dislike what I am and Im tired of feeding it.
    I don't really see the difference in an end point from this now state. There is .. relatively speaking. Idk
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