I don't know

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by neutralcardboard, Apr 4, 2016.

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  1. neutralcardboard

    neutralcardboard New Member

    I don't know what to say, how to feel about it, or what to do. My mind won't let me, in good conscience, talk to my friends or family or girlfriend about it.

    I'm not suicidal but I don't want to be here, I don't want to be alive but I have no specific plan of my own I just have the wish. I'm so ashamed of myself for not being positive enough or not doing the best I can as far as college and my part-time job go. I feel like I'm not good at anything and compliments on things I do just make me feel bitter and exhausted because I don't want to pretend I agree with people who think I do anything right. I don't do anything right, I barely just manage at everything I'm always scraping by the edge of the bare minimum for everything.

    I feel like all my friends are so far ahead of me, I always see people going out and doing so much with their professional achievements and while I'm normally a calm introvert who likes going out only once a week or less I just feel so shitty for being stagnant and still being in college and not even having anything important going on. For reference, I'm supposed to be a finishing senior but I've retaken a few classes so I'm a junior in terms of credits.

    I feel guilty when I think about my huge lack of success because I feel like a leech on my parents and I feel like an unspoken burden on my girlfriend of 2 years. I'm able to enjoy talking to her and spending time with her but part of me in the back of my head just tells me she's ever-so-slightly ashamed of me too and hoping in the near future that I'll start being like a normal guy and doing stuff with my life. She's a straight-A student in pre-med in an accelerated program and I like talking about her but she's the first person I've been serious with that I haven't become dependent on in some unhealthy way. Typically when I feel like shit I try not to vent it at all to her and look for alternatives because I don't want to condition her into expecting depressing stuff out of me when I message her. I try my best not to talk to anybody unless I'm unreasonably happy or I really have to ask them something. I feel extremely guilty having symbiotic friendships where the give and take is expected to be 50/50 because I hate telling people how I feel or what I'm thinking about. I feel guilty for treating people like therapists or treating them like they should have to listen to me vent because it feels whiny and I hate the feeling I get when I vent to friends. Ideally I've wanted to air out my mind to strangers but I've never known what to do specifically because not everyone really wants to hear someone's complaints.

    Most answers and advice I get just feel like random phrases thrown at me, I'm confused about myself and what I'm doing and I don't want to keep going on because I feel like I can't do anything right and I feel like I'm wasting the time of everyone associated with me. I don't know how to put into words what I actually feel it's complicated but it's also really minimal it's not a deep feeling it's just hard to describe

    I'm afraid of life and angry at myself for performing so low under my own standards and I don't know how to stop doing so badly at things I've been trying and trying but I procrastinate with college and at work I don't get reprimanded or anything but when I look at my own work I can't be satisfied with it I make too many little mistakes and they drive me mad. I don't like saying sappy or sad things in general either, I can't stand the idea of keeping a general because I'm so critical of saying or thinking negative/sad things it makes me cringe.

    I don't know what I'm doing
    I don't know what I want to do
    I don't know what I should do
    I just wish I would stop being here
    I just want to painlessly go in my sleep I feel worn out I feel more tired mentally than anything I just feel like my emotions are beating me senseless from the inside out and I don't even know what all those emotions are because I keep them pushed down so far for so long because I'm ashamed of being sad. I feel like I don't deserve to be sad or upset because I don't rightfully have any room to complain about my life or life in general.

    the best way I can put how I feel is that I'm sorry for living
    I didn't choose this I don't know why I have to be the person I am I'm an idiot I didn't choose to be born as someone I'm disappointed in

    I can't do this anymore I don't want to be here but I don't know what to do I feel like I'm stuck I'm just trapped here I can't go forward or leave I'm afraid I'm going to be hurting my own success and self-confidence and ruining things for myself and I don't want to deal with that I just wish I could die before I have to face how shitty and meager my life is going to be once other people are as sick of me as I am and I'm out on my ass because my overly generous parents finally wise up and cut me off I feel so guilty even though I work I shouldn't be living here I get treated too well.

    I want to know if anyone can even relate to this I don't know what kind of reply I'm looking for--if any at all.

    I don't need much attention though, I'm not in danger, I'm the last person to kill myself, there are so many other people who have urgent situations that could use some kind of help but I'm just here because I've wracked my brain and run out of options in my mind

    I just don't want to be here
  2. wrong turn

    wrong turn New Member

  3. sahel

    sahel SF Supporter

    I got the feeling from all your message that you are too harsh to yourself. But, please consider that if you are opening up to your friends, you would want them to open up to you, if so, maybe it's the same the other way around. They want you to be there for you.
  4. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    Please don't give up. Give yourself a chance!

    Maybe you had to retake some classes, but you're doing them, you didn't give up there; and getting your college degree will help you achieve a better future than if you had just given up when you failed. Kudos for that! That was very well done!
    You've got a great girlfriend it sounds like, as I said in your other thread please let her in, and talk to your friends as well. It will help you to get things off of your chest instead of bottling it all up. It only hurts worse the more you keep it in.

    Have you had a talk with your school counselor yet? It sounds like you could benefit from some counseling to get all of these things you are dealing with under control. You deserve that. Getting help is always a better solution than suicide!

    Take care of yourself please
  5. sa-chan

    sa-chan Active Member

    I know this pain so bad it hurts. And the crazy thing is there is no answer someone can provide you just like this. We can ask other people and observe what their answers for these questions seem to be but in the end everyone of us has to figure out their own answer to this. Sometimes I wish I could be just living a pre-made life so I wouldn't have to bother about all these things, but then again I wonder even more so what the point of such a life would be...
    I guess there isn't anything anything we should be doing because it's absolutely important and required we do it. I think life mostly comes down to what you want to do. Of course this is overwhelming when you are feeling depressed and you feel like you don't want anything at all. But not wanting anything at all is mostly a temporary feeling, at some point or another everyone wants specific things really bad. I am sure there are things you want to do in your life, and you will also most likely yet discover many more things that you'll want to do in your life.

    Now the present is usually where I end up blaming myself for my misery. Sometimes I will look into ugly past and say: look you haven't changed at all, no way things are going to change therefore. At other times I will just claim I'm not doing anything at all, that I am wasting my time. It's true that in some ways I'm not doing everything I want right now, but I do some of the things I don't like right now because I have to do them to do what I want in the future. I still talk myself into feeling shitty about my current life all the time, but it's actually stupid. I don't know if this applies for you at all, but it's really a problem for me.

    Honestly you sound like someone who is really considerate about the people around you. I guess this is a really nice quality that many people (including me) don't have. Maybe as others suggested opening up to some people around you might help you soften your pain. If you don't overdo it, I think many people will actually be glad you opened up to them and try to be supportive. Now whether they will be able to help you at all is another question, because sometimes there are things where it's really just ourselves who have to figure out things for us. But talking with others can help reduce the burden that you carry with you. Now not overdoing it, I guess I'm not really sure where to draw the line here but I believe if you phrase stuff in a way that doesn't force the other person to necessarily give advice to you it should be fine (ie. I think it could be problematic if you pressure people to solve your issues, whereas discussing about something that's on your mind doesn't bring the other person such responsibilities)...

    Facing one's own negative thoughts can feel really overwhelming, but I do believe that it's possible to regain control over one's mind and to stop it. If a thought really consists of nothing else but causing you bad feelings then stop it. I do this sometimes by screaming STOP in my head a couple times and it usually works. If it doesn't work it's because I forgot about this option or lack the required energy. Of course it's also important to have something less negative to think about in these situations, if it's something really positive that's the best, but as long as it's not negative it should work (at least it does for me when I struggle to sleep).

    Don't forget you still have time to figure out answers for big questions. It's never too late to figure out what you really want to be doing.
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