I don't like the way people treat me

[cardenasii]

All my life people have acted as if I'm at their beck and call. When I was younger, my friends would tell me when I was or wasn't allowed to play with them and I would just pace in circles for literal hours watching all of the rest of them play together. More recently, I've been trying to spend more time with my grandmother. I went over to her apartment, and I stayed there for three hours as she ignored me and watched the television. I'm treated like I'm not smart for not being able to make relationships and ignored whenever I try to make them. My extended family is overall very nice to me, but I've started to realize that the way they interact with me is because they know I'm autistic. Even my therapist talks to me like I'm a small child. I don't want people to fake seeing me as an equal just so they can feel good about themselves. I'm probably overreacting, but I don't want to live like this. I don't want to grow up and be treated like this by my coworkers and friends. I don't want to be treated like this by my future husband. I don't want to be waiting forever for somebody to want to spend time with me because they actually like being around me. I wonder if it's because I'm just not an enjoyable person to be around. I think I'm outgoing and friendly, I really try to be pleasant to be around. Maybe I'm just not good enough for other people. I don't know if I'm liked by anybody and I don't like myself either. I'm really scared to die, but I feel like such an annoying loser. I tested a suicide method last night. If I ever woman up, stop being a coward, and face my fears, I might be able to finish the job. Probably not though. I'm not good enough at living or suiciding.

 

[cymbele]

Hi

I can't offer any words of wisdom but I did read what you wrote. Please hold off on your method and keep posting. We care about you here.

 

[cardenasii]

Thank you for listening @cymbele I know it was kind of a long meandering post but I like knowing that somebody read it.

 

[bulldoggy1356]

One thing I’ve learnt from many periods like this is that even our most sure thoughts will change. I know how horrible and crushing the pain can be, but with time you find a way out (and I say this as someone who didn’t believe this for a long time, but every time I waited, things changed). You can meet new people, who treat you the way you want. You can take up new opportunities so you don’t rely on the people who mistreat you for happiness. Whatever it is, I think womaning up would actually mean fighting for yourself and all your potential.

 

[Lara_C]

Maybe I'm just not good enough for other people. I don't know if I'm liked by anybody and I don't like myself either. I'm really scared to die, but I feel like such an annoying loser

It sounds like you've been conditioned from an early age to think you're not good enough and that if you could only be better (in some unknown way) other people would enjoy being with you. Maybe because this horrible self doubt is undermining your confidence and belief in yourself as someone others want to be with, you have trouble relaxing and expressing yourself , leading to feeling disconnected from others? Other people could be picking up on this , like your extended family who thankfully treat you kindly . Yet you long to be seen as and treated as an equal. I think the only real and lasting solution is realizing there is nothing inherently wrong with you, that you are the same as everyone else underneath, with the same thoughts, feelings, needs, and the same desire for happiness, even if not neurotypical. You were always good enough, you just haven't realized it yet.

Please stay.

 

[another world]

Maybe you could try Meetup groups in your area (if they're still around)

 

[cardenasii]

You can meet new people, who treat you the way you want. You can take up new opportunities so you don’t rely on the people who mistreat you for happiness.

I've been trying to keep myself busy with other things, it's still very lonely though... maybe that's just the way it has to be for a while.

Maybe because this horrible self doubt is undermining your confidence and belief in yourself as someone others want to be with, you have trouble relaxing and expressing yourself , leading to feeling disconnected from others?

I think you're right about this, but every time I "express myself" I regret it later, sometimes I think about things I've said when I was comfortable and just wished I hadn't said anything at all.

Maybe you could try Meetup groups in your area (if they're still around)

Meeting up with people you've never met before is scary and I don't know how safe it is either.

I really appreciate the responses, I'm not sure if there's any way to close a thread or something, but I'm going to take some of the advice I've been given here and just try to do my best. Thank you to everybody who responded

 

[Lara_C]

Good luck @cardenasii, and you're always welcome here.

 

[another world]

I think you're right about this, but every time I "express myself" I regret it later, sometimes I think about things I've said when I was comfortable and just wished I hadn't said anything at all.

I find it helpful to think to myself, well I'm neurodiverse so of course I'm going to say "weird" stuff sometimes.

Meeting up with people you've never met before is scary and I don't know how safe it is either.

I've probably got an unusual type of social anxiety where something like a Meetup group is fairly appealing. You go out and meet strangers while playing board games or table tennis (ping-pong) or talking about travels / couchsurfing.

I'd be more nervous about situations where there's more possibility of being judged or evaluated, which is more likely with people you already know, especially groups of people. Or first date situations etc.

Anyway life is messy and nothing makes sense, including me lol

 

[may71]

When I was younger, my friends would tell me when I was or wasn't allowed to play with them and I would just pace in circles for literal hours watching all of the rest of them play together.

That's really horrible. I guess it's only the tip of the iceberg as far as all the disgraceful ways people treat other people, but it's still disgraceful.

I wonder if it's because I'm just not an enjoyable person to be around. I think I'm outgoing and friendly, I really try to be pleasant to be around. Maybe I'm just not good enough for other people. I don't know if I'm liked by anybody and I don't like myself either.

I think there's general social dysfunction in society, so it makes it tough to form close relationships.

It's also not really the case that friendships go to good people. Like let's say you made a lot of money illegally dumping toxic waste, but you had a cool yacht that people could hang out on, you'd probably have lots of friends. I bet drug dealers have tons of friends, especially friends that like to take drugs. Friendships like that are shallow though, and people like that are abandoned by or turn on their friends all the time, as soon as the superficial glue that holds them together falls apart.

I hope that you'll be able to find some real friendships and that things will get better soon.

Sending hugs if you would like hugs

 

[KM76710]

Thank you for listening @cymbele I know it was kind of a long meandering post but I like knowing that somebody read it.

This is a good site for knowing that you will be read, I often wish I had advice that may help someone, but always do read.

 

[I_waste_everything]

Reading about exclusion, and being baby-talked to, and being obligated to pace, bored, for hours, hit home for me.

Please don't do the suicidal method. Please stay with us. As someone with autism myself, I know it hurts. But please stay with us.

 

[nicktheundoer]

All my life people have acted as if I'm at their beck and call. When I was younger, my friends would tell me when I was or wasn't allowed to play with them and I would just pace in circles for literal hours watching all of the rest of them play together. More recently, I've been trying to spend more time with my grandmother. I went over to her apartment, and I stayed there for three hours as she ignored me and watched the television. I'm treated like I'm not smart for not being able to make relationships and ignored whenever I try to make them. My extended family is overall very nice to me, but I've started to realize that the way they interact with me is because they know I'm autistic. Even my therapist talks to me like I'm a small child. I don't want people to fake seeing me as an equal just so they can feel good about themselves. I'm probably overreacting, but I don't want to live like this. I don't want to grow up and be treated like this by my coworkers and friends. I don't want to be treated like this by my future husband. I don't want to be waiting forever for somebody to want to spend time with me because they actually like being around me. I wonder if it's because I'm just not an enjoyable person to be around. I think I'm outgoing and friendly, I really try to be pleasant to be around. Maybe I'm just not good enough for other people. I don't know if I'm liked by anybody and I don't like myself either. I'm really scared to die, but I feel like such an annoying loser. I tested a suicide method last night. If I ever woman up, stop being a coward, and face my fears, I might be able to finish the job. Probably not though. I'm not good enough at living or suiciding.

Hey hey....you need validation, that's only normal..but please, dear friend, don't expect validation from others....once u start accepting yourself, I'm sure the situation would get better..ik it's really difficult when everyone's treating you bad...you don't deserve it, alright?



You can follow some self help teachings.. basically I like spiritual teachings than self help gurus teachings tho...

 

[sadhart]

All my life people have acted as if I'm at their beck and call. When I was younger, my friends would tell me when I was or wasn't allowed to play with them and I would just pace in circles for literal hours watching all of the rest of them play together. More recently, I've been trying to spend more time with my grandmother. I went over to her apartment, and I stayed there for three hours as she ignored me and watched the television. I'm treated like I'm not smart for not being able to make relationships and ignored whenever I try to make them. My extended family is overall very nice to me, but I've started to realize that the way they interact with me is because they know I'm autistic. Even my therapist talks to me like I'm a small child. I don't want people to fake seeing me as an equal just so they can feel good about themselves. I'm probably overreacting, but I don't want to live like this. I don't want to grow up and be treated like this by my coworkers and friends. I don't want to be treated like this by my future husband. I don't want to be waiting forever for somebody to want to spend time with me because they actually like being around me. I wonder if it's because I'm just not an enjoyable person to be around. I think I'm outgoing and friendly, I really try to be pleasant to be around. Maybe I'm just not good enough for other people. I don't know if I'm liked by anybody and I don't like myself either. I'm really scared to die, but I feel like such an annoying loser. I tested a suicide method last night. If I ever woman up, stop being a coward, and face my fears, I might be able to finish the job. Probably not though. I'm not good enough at living or suiciding.

I'm sorry that you get treated like this. It's a very painful and demoralizing feeling and you deserve better and I hope that happens for you soon.