I don't want it catching up to me.

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Keeplookingup, Apr 12, 2013.

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  1. Keeplookingup

    Keeplookingup Member

    My parents were divorced when i was about 8 or 9 years old. My mum was an abusive alcoholic towards me and my sister, and cheated on my father. A memory that will never leave my mind was when she i guess, was drunk or something, took a knife and pointed it to her head, while i was 7 years old, screaming at me " Do you want to kill me! Kill me!" It was pretty creepy and awkward at the same time- I was sitting on a toilet bowl at that time, haha. My sister had been mistreated worse than i had been, since she's older, and hence had to go through more time with my mother still within the family.
    When my parents divorced I was initially happy. I was free. I didn't have to hurt or anything anymore. My dad gained custody of my sister and I , and my Mum could visit us only on Saturdays. I was vulnerable for awhile at that time, I was beginning to trust my dad after that, especially since he seemed to have been absent from my life while my mum would always be home, no doubt earning the income of course.
    In the same year they got divorced, I guess I was being annoying or something, but while he would preach about being non-abusive, especially since his dad/ my grandfather had been ironically abusive to his mother/my grandmother, it came a s a big surprise when he slapped me right across the face- so hard that i lost hearing in one ear for what seemed like 15 minutes, but eternity in my strange adolescent mind. I distanced myself from him after that.
    I have never felt any form of resentment towards my mother for what she had done- strangely enough i found my self empathising with her for some reason. My sister in a sense sided with my father, while i sided with mother. Throughout my childhood, or the rest of it, my father would continuously threaten to send me back to live with my mum. Really he was just pretty bad at establishing normal relationships...

    Things seemed to slow down after that. And then my mum got cancer. I decided I didn't plan to come out to her about my sexuality until she had been cured. i didn't want to put any extra burden on her. But I eventually gave up on that notion, and decided to come out to her. She was far more accepting of my father.

    I don't really tell anyone about my feelings or what i thought during that whole period of time. Its sort of like I'm digging a hole for myself, by bottling it all up, so I decided to write it here.:kiwi-fruit:

    It always hurts to be afraid that I one day might not be able to find anyone to love me, because during my childhood I didn't attempt to make any form of "normal" connection with either of my parents. I promise myself to never do that to anyone I love, and that if I were to ever have children, I'd make sure they never had to feel this way. But after that I get scared of me following in the footsteps of either my mum or my grandfather. I'm scared that I won't be able to ever feel appreciated for me being here.

    I obviously am the type to go around smiling and being extroverted in school. But every time someone has anything to say about their parents, it just triggers this whole mountain of fear. I coped easily over the divorce at that time. I don't want their divorce to catch up to me one day. I don't want to divorce someone I love. I don't want to remember what she may have done to me as a child- where she would on one day be an average mother, and the next a messed up abusive person. The whole divorce has left me with a surprisingly bad self-image. Apart from having to bear with discrimination for being gay, I also have to carry the idea that I'll never be good enough for anyone, that its no surprise i'd be alone for the rest of my life. I always knew my parents wanted a daughter- in a sense they may have gotten one.. in a "sense". But I'm pretty convinced that had I not been born, or had I been different, had I done things differently, maybe they'd still be together, that my mum would never have gotten cancer, that my sister wouldn't have had to go through all this too(although she coped better than me). I don't know.
     
  2. katrina77

    katrina77 Guest

    First it is important that you realize that you are not responsible for your parents happiness, or their lack thereof. You are not responsible for their divorce, or any part of their relationship. You played no part in that. They obviously have a lot of issues, and it had nothing to do with you.

    My childhood was also a mess, with abusive destructive parents. I had the same fears as you, especially towards having kids. My parents were incapable of loving me, therefore I would be incapable of loving or forming a bond with my kids if I had any.

    When I got married and got pregnant, I spent the whole pregnancy worried sick over whether it was even possible I could love my child. I didn't enjoy my pregnancy, nor look forward to being a mom.

    But then my son was born, and I was filled with this love I didn't even know I was capable of. I'm sure haven't been a perfect parent, I'm pretty darn flawed. But, I have loved my son, and completely loved being a parent.

    The reason I'm telling you this, is to show that you don't have to follow in your parents footsteps. My mom use to beat me very badly, and I was scared to death I would do the same. But, I have never raised a hand to my son, and haven't even been tempted. Despite my childhood, I have been able to love others, and form attachments. What happened in your past, doesn't have to shape your future.

    Hang in there, and get all the help you can. And know that things can, and often do, get better.
     
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