I don't want to be here anymore

[Evan1]

It keeps getting worse and worse. This is probably the worst I've ever felt and I don't know how much longer I can take it. Honestly I barely have the energy to type this out. My mind is too scrambled. I'm so tired. The thoughts are the worst they've ever been. I attempted suicide on impulse about a week ago. I left completely unharmed after failing but the thoughts didn't go away. I can't see a future anymore. I'm not sure if I even wanna be here for the future anymore. So, I feel like I might be giving up soon. I don't want to struggle anymore. I want an end. I started seriously planning my suicide and decided on a date. I gathered my method and wrote my note again after ripping it up last time I attempted. I'm just having a really tough time trying to find ways to say goodbye to my friends. I care about them a lot and it's tough trying to say goodbye properly when the only way we can communicate is online since we all met online and live very far away from each other.

Last night, I might have slipped up a little bit without thinking and told them a small portion about how I felt. I told them about how I absolutely hate myself and feel like a waste of space and how I feel that everyone would be better off without me. And of course, they were there for me and reassured me how much they love and care about me. It made me feel even guiltier about what I plan to do. They kept telling me about how they're really excited for all of us to meet up and hang out in the future and even though that would be nice, I might not even be alive for when that happens. I can't express enough how sorry I am that I'm going to be leaving them and I need to be sure to tell them all I love them so much one last time before I go. I don't deserve their love. I don't deserve their support. I felt angry at myself for talking to them about my self hatred and ended up self harming after I talked to them. They're too nice. I don't deserve them. I don't deserve help. I feel bad for even making this post. I don't deserve to live. I don't want to live. All I've done recently is sleep. Its like some days I just don't sleep at all or find myself sleeping nonstop for the entire day. Either way, I rarely ever leave my bed or my room. I'm afraid to go to sleep sometimes. I keep getting disturbing nightmares. Last night, I had a dream that I saw a clone of myself choke me really violently. He looked so angry. When I woke up I couldn't breathe and my neck and throat felt weird. I sleep to get away from my overwhelming thoughts but now it's like they're bass booted in my dreams too. A while ago, I had a dream that was just the words "you deserve to die" repeated over and over really loudly. It's all unpredictable. Sometimes I get these nasty dreams and other times I just don't dream at all or have vague memories of it and wake up feeling like shit. I really can't see a reason to live anymore. I just don't care anymore. "Aren't you curious about how the future will turn out or if it'll get better?" No. Not anymore. I don't care anymore. "Your friends will be hurt deeply if you died." Yes. They would be. But as time will pass they will recover. Maybe I'm being selfish but that's alright. As long as I can finally rest. "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem." Yes, you may be right. But if I'm dead what would it matter anyways? Nothing would matter anymore. It's okay if I'm not there for the future, I don't really care anymore. My life isn't exactly a life worth living.

Sorry if this post was long. I just felt like I needed to get a few things off my chest.

 

[Walker]

Hello there, you sound like you're doing so terribly right now. I'm so sorry to hear that, man. Did something change recently to make you feel so poorly or has this been coming about for a while now?
Are you taking medication or anything for this or seeing anybody professionally? It would seem not since you don't mention either of these things in your post.
You sound young, in the 18 to early 20's range (sorry if I'm wrong) so I'm wondering if your parents know how you feel? You say that you don't really care at this point who is devastated by your death and I do hear what you're saying, I'm just wondering if they have some insight or resources that they could bring you that you don't know of. It sounds like you need more than online people - more than peer to peer support here. I'm worried about you here. What can we do for you to keep you going?

 

[Andy13]

Hello Evan1. I just read your posting. I didn't see anything about you seeking professional help. Please give it a try. Have you had any in the past? It sounds like you have a support system and that you care for people in your life. You sound like a bright, young man who has a lot to offer people. Don't give up on yourself.

 

[Evan1]

Hello there, you sound like you're doing so terribly right now. I'm so sorry to hear that, man. Did something change recently to make you feel so poorly or has this been coming about for a while now?
Are you taking medication or anything for this or seeing anybody professionally? It would seem not since you don't mention either of these things in your post.
You sound young, in the 18 to early 20's range (sorry if I'm wrong) so I'm wondering if your parents know how you feel? You say that you don't really care at this point who is devastated by your death and I do hear what you're saying, I'm just wondering if they have some insight or resources that they could bring you that you don't know of. It sounds like you need more than online people - more than peer to peer support here. I'm worried about you here. What can we do for you to keep you going?

Hello Evan1. I just read your posting. I didn't see anything about you seeking professional help. Please give it a try. Have you had any in the past? It sounds like you have a support system and that you care for people in your life. You sound like a bright, young man who has a lot to offer people. Don't give up on yourself.

I've been feeling this way for years. If I had to guess when it started... maybe around 5 years ago? I'm 18 and no, I've never gotten professional help or medication. I'm not even sure I would be able to afford it or how I could go about getting it. My dad might lose his job soon so we're trying to save money right now. My parents have no clue how I'm feeling and I would prefer if they don't find out. They usually just call me lazy or tell me things like to get over it. I once told my dad that I was tired and he was just responded with "HA! YOU're??? tired? you don't know what tired even IS!" My mom is emotionally abusive at times and manipulative and really only ever thinks of herself. It's for the best if she never finds out since she'll probably just make me feel worse if I told her. I'm sorry I'm not even sure I can be helped at this point. And if I can be helped I have no idea how. I wish I knew. It would be nice to get better but I don't think I ever will. I'm not sure if I can...I feel really pathetic.

 

[Lady Wolfshead]

I've been feeling this way for years. If I had to guess when it started... maybe around 5 years ago? I'm 18 and no, I've never gotten professional help or medication. I'm not even sure I would be able to afford it or how I could go about getting it. My dad might lose his job soon so we're trying to save money right now. My parents have no clue how I'm feeling and I would prefer if they don't find out. They usually just call me lazy or tell me things like to get over it. I once told my dad that I was tired and he was just responded with "HA! YOU're??? tired? you don't know what tired even IS!" My mom is emotionally abusive at times and manipulative and really only ever thinks of herself. It's for the best if she never finds out since she'll probably just make me feel worse if I told her. I'm sorry I'm not even sure I can be helped at this point. And if I can be helped I have no idea how. I wish I knew. It would be nice to get better but I don't think I ever will. I'm not sure if I can...I feel really pathetic.

I'm sorry your parents aren't helpful. It sounds like you may have depression which is a real illness. I would definitely suggest you see a counsellor. Depression can make you feel tired and despairing and muddled. But there are treatments that can help. You will not always feel this way. Most people with these feelings recover. Please hold onto hope.

 

[Walker]

There is nothing at all to feel "pathetic" for. How can you begin to feel better if you've never tried to get help? That's like trying to cure cancer at home, you know? You simply do not have the ability to do that.
I'm sorry that your parents aren't sympathetic to what is going on with you. In the end you're over 18 so you can choose to get some help for yourself in the end but it's complicated if you don't have the financial means without them. I don't know what your situation is. You might need to say to these people that you sometimes think of suicide. That is harder to dismiss than "I'm tired".
Keep hanging on. We're all here for you. Keep posting. Keep talking.

 

[Cagla]

Hey, people wrote very helpful things and I can't think of something new to say. It's all true. You need help and abusive people are all around you...maybe that's why we are here in the first place..
Your dreams are an expression of your subconscious. It is probably your shadow. Dark and dangerous. Everyone has a shadow you know but most of us don't even know we have. At least that's what Jung said. And it is a negative entity, negative and ego controls it, ego turns off it's voice. In dreams however it is easy for it to show itself. And it's a good opportunity to connect with it and illuminate it. That sounds all irrelevant but all I'm saying, if you see these dreams, that doesn't mean you really deserve death. You don't want to hurt your friends, you want to meet them I'm sure but things seem so hard for you to cope with. Please consider help. And whatever your parents say..because they can't see the suffering in you. Please consider this and maybe open up more, to someone you trust or here. It's not selfish we will always listen. You need to get it out and help yourself. Take care please.