I feel a bridge calling me

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by stephen1969, Aug 28, 2009.

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  1. stephen1969

    stephen1969 Member

    Will it be relatively painless?

    I've had these thoughts off and on for months now. i drove to the bridge once but the guy behind me was tailgating so I figured it would irk him off if i stopped and jumped. So I drove on.

    My problems all started when I found God.
  2. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    That was me calling you ...why didn't you pick up?

    Seriously though I am glad that you were tailgated, by God or Satan I don't know...just fate perhaps but you are here and I for one am glad.

    Obviously you are in a bad state so you are here but just want you to know I too have thought about the bridge etc. and well it gets better so please hang in there. You can PM if you would like or reply here but please know that I care and I am here if you need someone to listen, talk to, share with..etc. whatever it is I give a damn as I hated the pain and someone was there for me.

    Well I hope you write back.
    Hugs Bambi
  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I don't know what your'e going through, but I'm glad you're still alive. PLEASE don't kill yourself. There's help out there. You can PM me anytime if you ever feel like talking. Let us try to help you!
  4. stephen1969

    stephen1969 Member

    I turned to God

    and my life got shattered. 33 years since I turned away from God and Jesus then I prayed. And the prayer was answered and more followed.

    And then when I finally admitted to myself that God exists, my life was shattered even more. The Christians I talk to say that things will change, but I don't see the world the way they do. I've seen far more than most people will ever see.

    I'm 40. Male. Married. 15 mo. old boy. Engineer and lawyer - practiced all the law fields I could stand until they got to me.


    That's my video for my misisng boy. My wife can't stand that I quit my job because God told me to.

    Everyone in the world always wants me to commit evil acts. I'd rather kill myself now than commit a knowingly evil act. But the world appears to be setting me up for going back to doing evil.

    I can't understand why it's happening.

    What's evil to one man may not be evil to another.
  5. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Ihave not had the opportunity to watch the video but plan to after this. I am sorry that you have lost you son and your wife I really am. I will not pretend to know of such a loss as yours but please know that I care and hope that somehow my reply can ease your pain and help you to heal-you are so deserving.

    Do you have any support? A good friend? Family? A therapist?
    I for one could not go the road you are on alone, in fact I am sure nobody could so please continue to reach out and if you do not have professional help in the way of a therapist or clergy please arrange that right away. If you want I will help you arrange it, I really will as I know it is hard to advocate for yourself when you are in the middle of so much.

    Please let usknow how you are doing and continue to reach out during this time of great difficulty.

    You are not alone.

    Hugs Bambi
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi Stephen,

    Welcome to the forums. I'm sorry to hear you're going through such a difficult time. I'm really glad you didn't go through with it.
    You're here and that proves you're a fighter,keep reaching out for support x
  7. stephen1969

    stephen1969 Member

    What other people take as normal, I feel like I can no longer do it, without feeling dirty.

    I feel I am no longer part of this world.

    I try to do good, but all the actions that others take might be good for them, but for me it's evil. I've seen too much from the top of the corporate ladder. I can't live with myself doing anything that causes another a harm in my eyes. So others see me as paralyzed when I see things from a different perspective. I can't explain it to them because they don't want to listen, so I don't even bother trying to explain it to anyone any more with my words.

    it's like the weak brother, strong brother in the Bible. What is a sin for the weak brother may not for the strong brother. I at times feel like the weak brother in that there is nothing in the world of man's hands that is not bad to me, as in it causes harm to another. Of course, I don't want to go around explaining to people why it's bad, because they won't accept it and I figure if it is bad to them, then they will learn of it on their own. But they all want me to act like them. I can't, I am not of this world.

    I already had two or three deaths before.

    I've been in the hosptal and tried meds, but those people were just sick people, the doctors and nurses. Even in my stupor, I felt pity for them. The nonsense they spew is wicked and vial advice from the lips of Satan. The meds always caused me great pain and they wouldn't do anything about it except to pile on more meds and more meds. I eventually just lied to them because that was the only way to stop being asked to take more meds.

    If I am forced into it again, then I will just refused all meds, all food and all water. And I will tell them daily that i will kill myself. It's how I feel, so why not tell the truth.

    Everyone keeps placing expectations on my life. I just want to be left alone. The world is a sick place, very sick.

    I use to be sick with it, but now I refused to touch the world.

    I gave away everything I had to my wife before she abandoned me.

    I quit my job because that's what God wanted me to do. I was defending people who were killing children.

    The entire world is sick and disgusting to God, just as the Bible says many times. The entire world is meaningless.

    I was never a Bible follower until God entered my life.

    but the pain never ends in my brain, it lets up for day or three and then it pounds back with searing pain.

    The bonds with my baby Lloyd being torn away from me are too much to bear at times and i just break down anywhere and sob. i don't care what other people think about it because I am not sure they exist. Most don't act like they are human, so why should I think they are human.
  8. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Please see a doctor or go to the ER ...you are having great difficulties right now and you need help. If you are not sure there are humans around you I think you are losing your touch with reality and showing signs of a psychotic break-please get professional help.

    Hugs Bambi
  9. stephen1969

    stephen1969 Member

    I mean most of them are soulless people.

    I had a breakdown again today over my little lloyd. It's been 4 months since I've seen him.

    But I am paralyzed to do anything about it.

    My wife told me that she wanted me to kill myself so she could collect SS for our son. I figured it might be $250k over his liftetime.
  10. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Soulless people??

    I agree with Bambi; I really think you need to get some help!! Maybe if you seek some help and start to feel better, you'll be able to spend time with your son again.
  11. stephen1969

    stephen1969 Member

    my wife left the state.

    And she won't tell me anything about where she is.

    The entire thing is a disastor.
  12. ashes_away

    ashes_away Well-Known Member

    welcome stephen1969

    I'm sorry about your son.I hope your wife sees how much you love your son and will cooperate with you eventually.In the meantime please heed the advice people here give you to take care of yourself and get some emotional help.It is hard to have hope or think clearly and make rational decisions when you are in such darkness right now.You are not alone here..:hug:
  13. johnnysays

    johnnysays Well-Known Member

    It hurts me to say this, but no matter what we do in life someone somewhere will get negatively impacted by it. Things aren't perfect. We can't predict how everything will fall iinto place and we don't have easy answers for things that aren't working very well. Don't let these things overwhelm you. I suspect you're going through all sorts of things right now that're heavily pressing down on you and you may not be able to understand clearly. YOu need some support and care so that you can calm down and think this through slowly without the tears and anger and frustration that're plaguing you. You as well as I know how much anger and frustration and stress can distort our perspective on life and people and circumstances. You don't ever see doctors prescribing intense acute anger and stress to cure health problems - they don't because those things aren't healthy. I don't think you sound insane, in fact some of what you say makes sense, but I do think you're experiencing a lot of pain and stress that's making you appear confused to most of us browsing the forum.

    People are people. They're busy. They have their own families to worry about. Many people say things without thinking about what they're saying. Sometimes people say things just to say things. Don't take what they say or do too seriously. A lot of what goes on is just like the breaking wave or the blowing wind or the falling rain or the blankets of fog in the morning hours - it just is, don't overthink it (though I overthink these kinds of things all the time because I enjoy it).

    Look at what jesus went through. He never hurt anyone, and he never gave up. He didn't kill himself. Stick in there. The world needs love, it needs people to say things. Bad things happen when good people do nothing. Have some faith.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 30, 2009
  14. johnnysays

    johnnysays Well-Known Member

    Re: I turned to God

    What acts are you referring to? Who were you working for and what did they ask you to do? Be honest.

    And please read my previous post first. You need support and help from others before you can really answer this question.
  15. stephen1969

    stephen1969 Member

    They all want me to go back to my evil job, hurting people as a lawyer.

    I coped all day rather well as I made this video.


    But now, the cloud of weight is across my head and shoulders. It feels like the world is crushing me.

    I'm off to place a vibrator across my scalp to numb the pain in my head. an hour of it seems to help before sleep.
  16. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    No one can keep you from seeing your son get visitation rights but you need to be stable or judge won't do that. Call emergency dept or doctor and get some help so you get strong and healthy so you can fight to see you son again
  17. levitated-one

    levitated-one Well-Known Member

    Dear Stephen,

    My name is David and I'm 24 years of age. I am a believer in Christ, but I've stopped attending church for a long time, 10 years.

    I'm sorry you've lost many things in life, and feel that life is worthless. The world can be a sick, disgusting place to be. On the other hand, it can be very enlightening. The enlightening part is to acheive what you want to acheive and set new goals, like helping others, random acts of kindness to others etc. Or just realizing there's more to life than meets the eye.

    A few years ago I was doing a lot of LSD, almost daily for few months. And in the perspective, I see that humans are weak, and what we do on earth is pointless. Like having a job, it's so pointless. I was a card dealer at the casino before, and I feel like I'm working for the wrong people. As the casino takes people's money and life away.. I soon started to see the evils, so I quit my job.

    Now I'm at a point in life where.. although I have my own small business, I feel like.. there should be more to life. I have no friends, as I've quit friendship with a lot of people, mainly due to them being users of drugs, but most often it's due to different opinions.

    So I'm alone, and really want to end my human consciousness and move on to soul consciousness. As there is nothing left on earth for me. I've always thought about all the things I could have in life. Earthly things doesn't interest me, I'm more interested in things like getting a NDE, or going out of my body..and dream.. so I sleep alot.

    :pokeball: Imagine a big wheel.. and it's in motion. Here we are all on this wheel, we're only humans..
  18. t0d1e4

    t0d1e4 Member

    Jumping from a bridge will break your legs, pelvis and shatter your insides. You will most probably drown and that takes time, time for regret. I strongly suggest you don't do it. The fact that you were worried about the other guy means you have a concern for others, other than yourself.

    Why is god a problem for you? A religious person once told me that I am the devils own because I'm left handed. Who is worse for this statement, me, beacuse I am, or her for needing to tell me??

    Take care Stephen

    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 31, 2009
  19. stephen1969

    stephen1969 Member


    I've accomplished all I care to accomplish in the world. I've experienced all I ever wanted to do. God is a problem for me because I can't handle going astray again in the sight of God. So people near me wonder why I only do things with God. I tell them because I can't handle doing anything else for fear of running foul again.




    So I spend my time making videos and lyrcis praising God and His power.

    There is not any med that can change what I've experienced. No one can convinced me that I didn't experience it. So I'm left with coping with my new life.

    I can't go to court because the Bible says to not go to court. So I sit paralyzed and unable to see my son. Not having my son near me or knowing when I can see him makes me unable to do anything productive in the world.
  20. EricS

    EricS Member

    I'm not going to say I know how you feel, because I don't know. I'm so sorry your wife and son are not with you. That must be a very hard thing to deal with, especially with your son being so young.

    I don't like to post about religion much, cause I don't want to offend anyone - but if you're Christian, and believe in God, just please take the following into consideration:

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