Empathy and Advice Welcomed I Feel Crazy...Am I?

[PurpleWolf08]

The last year has been absolutely crazy, and everything that's happened has made me feel crazy in turn. Graduated high school in May of 2025. And for some reason I made the decision to try to go to college in the fall. So I tried. And then at the end of October I ended up inpatient on an eating disorder unit for 11 days because I was purging so much that I couldn't get things under control. I had to medically withdraw to do that. So then I went back to mom's house. And she's...not a great person. So then in December I made an attempt. And ended up inpatient again. This time on a general adolescent unit for 5 days. They claimed I have BPD. I don't. So then again in at the end of February I ended up on an adolescent girls unit for a week for attempting again, though this one I got a lot closer to succeeding. So then I went to residential again. Back to the same place I was at 2 years ago, cuz the place I went 2.5 years ago is shut down now (idk how I feel about that, but that's a separate post for later). It really helped, especially when I stopped taking my antipsychotic. It turned the tables for me majorly. I was released 4 days before I turned 18. The day after I turned 18, I moved 3 hours away to another state. New medical team, new therapist, new everything. But then the last 2 ish weeks I've been going downhill. The si has returned. I've been sh ing again. I've been restricting again. I'm frustrated. I thought everything was fine. Now I just feel crazy. Ugh. Idk what to do anymore!!

 

[DarkNightshade]

But then the last 2 ish weeks I've been going downhill. The si has returned. I've been sh ing again. I've been restricting again. I'm frustrated. I thought everything was fine. Now I just feel crazy. Ugh. Idk what to do anymore!!

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know how frustrating and discouraging it is to relapse, whatever the disorder or circumstances that lead you to this difficult mental space. I relate a lot to this, since I've been there many times. Over time, I've learnt to accept my condition and, more importantly, that I will be suffering from my condition all my life. I'm not saying this to make you feel desperate of course, since everyone is different and I've learnt to deal with my specific illness. Rather, what I'm trying to convey is the fact that it's often counterproductive to blame oneself or feel strong emotions when mental breakdowns strike, because it launches a vicious circle of fatalism and self-loathing. I'm not saying this is easy; it's not. You already have a medical support, so that's something you can use to deal with this bad time and try to find medication/therapy combos that work for you. Try to learn how to cope with moments of distress, learn how your brain works and how to mend it, even temporarily. Finally, I would add that it is very important to remember that you have been okay in the past, that you went through difficult times but found your way uphill again. There's no reason to believe you won't get through this as well. Take care.

 

[may71]

I'm sorry things have been going down hill. I have some questions, but it's ok to only answer any of them if you feel like it.

It really helped, especially when I stopped taking my antipsychotic

Aside from the benefit of no longer taking your antipsychotic, do you want to say what helped?

The day after I turned 18, I moved 3 hours away to another state

Why did you move? What do you think of your new home? What's the new medical team like?

Do you have an sense of intuition about why things have been going down hill? Do you think going off the antipsychotic was a factor?

 

[PurpleWolf08]

I'm sorry things have been going down hill. I have some questions, but it's ok to only answer any of them if you feel like it.

Aside from the benefit of no longer taking your antipsychotic, do you want to say what helped?

Why did you move? What do you think of your new home? What's the new medical team like?

Do you have an sense of intuition about why things have been going down hill? Do you think going off the antipsychotic was a factor?

I think honestly what really helped was having a consistent structure and knowing that someone was always there when I was having a bad time. There were lots of great staff to talk to. They also really helped me gain my sense of independence back.

I moved cuz my mom was super abusive. We were in this cycle of where she would purposely do something to me and then I would attempt to die and then end up hospitalized, she would freak out and berate me, then act all sweet in therapy, and then I would come home and we would repeat all of that all over again 4-6 weeks later.

I like my new place, I just don't like being an adult responsible for everything lol. And the frustrating thing is that the maintenance team doesn't do their job. Slowly building the new medical team. I love my orthopedic and PT, I see my new PCP on the 1st.

I really don't know why it's going downhill. I really just think I'm really overwhelmed and this is what I jump to. Going off the antipsychotic has helped me honestly. My psych really wants me to try another one but I'm absolutely not doing that. I've had too many really bad experiences with them, and the timing of them really wouldn't work with my work schedule currently.

 

[LumberJack]

Wow, that sounds like a lot of awful things to deal with right in a row. I have a past therapist who would tell me that “crazy” is not a clinical term. But usually when I say I worry about being crazy it’s kind of an umbrella term for any constellation of symptoms around delusions, psychosis, or whatever that word is for perceiving meaningful patterns where they don’t exist.

Based on what you’ve written, I don’t see any evidence of that in your OP. If you were purging because you thought you had swallowed a secret CIA device that could control your mind, I would have a different estimation.

However, I have been inside compulsive behaviors and so I refuse to judge you for the eating disorder. It’s not your fault, not your failure, but a medical condition that needs treatment. I am sorry that I don’t have any insightful advice but I wanted to answer your question about being crazy. I think everyone is crazy in their own way. Some of us are on the autism spectrum, ADHD, OCD, and more. I figure that with so many different forms of neurodiversity (my new, less stigmatizing term for neurodivergence) everyone has at least one.

Even more important is that it’s not crazy to be disturbed by a truly fcked up event, or series of events like parental abuse. I wish for you to find your path to healing and get better. I know that for me, I at first thought that I didn’t deserve help or to even reduce my symptoms. I truly do, as I have learned. I also think that it’s a human right to get care and to advocate for yourself if you’re mistreated.

 

[PurpleWolf08]

Wow, that sounds like a lot of awful things to deal with right in a row. I have a past therapist who would tell me that “crazy” is not a clinical term. But usually when I say I worry about being crazy it’s kind of an umbrella term for any constellation of symptoms around delusions, psychosis, or whatever that word is for perceiving meaningful patterns where they don’t exist.

Based on what you’ve written, I don’t see any evidence of that in your OP. If you were purging because you thought you had swallowed a secret CIA device that could control your mind, I would have a different estimation.

However, I have been inside compulsive behaviors and so I refuse to judge you for the eating disorder. It’s not your fault, not your failure, but a medical condition that needs treatment. I am sorry that I don’t have any insightful advice but I wanted to answer your question about being crazy. I think everyone is crazy in their own way. Some of us are on the autism spectrum, ADHD, OCD, and more. I figure that with so many different forms of neurodiversity (my new, less stigmatizing term for neurodivergence) everyone has at least one.

Even more important is that it’s not crazy to be disturbed by a truly fcked up event, or series of events like parental abuse. I wish for you to find your path to healing and get better. I know that for me, I at first thought that I didn’t deserve help or to even reduce my symptoms. I truly do, as I have learned. I also think that it’s a human right to get care and to advocate for yourself if you’re mistreated.

I think my therapist would probably also tell me that crazy is not a clinical term. I just feel like I'm slowly losing it though. I don't even exactly know why. Like, I'm still based in reality, it's just I'm all over the place with ed and sh behaviors.

 

[LumberJack]

I think my therapist would probably also tell me that crazy is not a clinical term. I just feel like I'm slowly losing it though. I don't even exactly know why. Like, I'm still based in reality, it's just I'm all over the place with ed and sh behaviors.

That makes sense. I can see how that is distressing; I tend to feel like that when my compulsions are taking over. I'm almost constantly overwhelmed, but lately I've been trying a new idea of asking myself what I can do to improve the matter. If nothing, then I turn my attention elsewhere. There are way too many things to do that I could benefit from for me to have time for things I cannot change.

I will say it has taken me a long time to even formulate that thought, so it may or may not make sense to you, at least for now. An ED or SH issue would each be something you need help with on their own. Put them together, and it's just too hard for one person to manage, IMHO. Is there anything that gets you in a state of mind where the SH impulses quiet down at all? I'm wondering if taking a break to do something just for you as a gesture of respect towards yourself might at least give you some breathing room. Feel free to disregard if what I'm saying if it's not helping.

 

[PurpleWolf08]

That makes sense. I can see how that is distressing; I tend to feel like that when my compulsions are taking over. I'm almost constantly overwhelmed, but lately I've been trying a new idea of asking myself what I can do to improve the matter. If nothing, then I turn my attention elsewhere. There are way too many things to do that I could benefit from for me to have time for things I cannot change.

I will say it has taken me a long time to even formulate that thought, so it may or may not make sense to you, at least for now. An ED or SH issue would each be something you need help with on their own. Put them together, and it's just too hard for one person to manage, IMHO. Is there anything that gets you in a state of mind where the SH impulses quiet down at all? I'm wondering if taking a break to do something just for you as a gesture of respect towards yourself might at least give you some breathing room. Feel free to disregard if what I'm saying if it's not helping.

Being at work or doing schoolwork tends to get me out of the head space a little bit. It's just frustrating cuz it feels like eventually the urges just get too strong.

 

[LumberJack]

I would say that any progress is an improvement, no matter how small. When I was frustrated with my efforts to quit a number of substances (at the same time, instead of the rotating addictions that was my habit), a mentor said that any time I go to bed clear-headed counts as a victory. The main thing is to practice resisting the urges. It's like building a muscle, IMHO. Every time you say "no" to an urge, or even just "not now," you take back a sliver of control. After many of those slivers, there will be noticeable progress. Just don't give up on yourself, even if it feels like everyone else has.

 

[PurpleWolf08]

I would say that any progress is an improvement, no matter how small. When I was frustrated with my efforts to quit a number of substances (at the same time, instead of the rotating addictions that was my habit), a mentor said that any time I go to bed clear-headed counts as a victory. The main thing is to practice resisting the urges. It's like building a muscle, IMHO. Every time you say "no" to an urge, or even just "not now," you take back a sliver of control. After many of those slivers, there will be noticeable progress. Just don't give up on yourself, even if it feels like everyone else has.

Yea. I feel a lot of the time like I resist and then a couple hours later I give in

 

[LumberJack]

The tag on this thread reads, "Empathy and Advice.." but I feel I may have already been too liberal with giving advice.

I do think I have a guess as to how it feels, even if our underlying behaviors are different. I think in both cases, there is a fundamental (and mistaken) belief that, "I'm no good/not good enough." You're trying to get out of the prison, while I have gotten a few inches away but still look at the shackles like they are where I belong. In both cases, though, it's a prison we ourselves have the key to. We just forgot what to do with it.

IDK. Sometimes I sound a lot more decisive than I really am. The dilemma is deciding how to aim for behavior change and celebrate progress, while not also berating ourselves or giving up when progress goes backward. I don't think we ever fully "stop" doing any behavior, even if it was self-destructive. We end up replacing it with something else. Hopefully that something else is healthy, or at least less harmful, than the compulsion.

 

[may71]

Being at work or doing schoolwork

Are you both working and in school?

 

[PurpleWolf08]

The tag on this thread reads, "Empathy and Advice.." but I feel I may have already been too liberal with giving advice.

I do think I have a guess as to how it feels, even if our underlying behaviors are different. I think in both cases, there is a fundamental (and mistaken) belief that, "I'm no good/not good enough." You're trying to get out of the prison, while I have gotten a few inches away but still look at the shackles like they are where I belong. In both cases, though, it's a prison we ourselves have the key to. We just forgot what to do with it.

IDK. Sometimes I sound a lot more decisive than I really am. The dilemma is deciding how to aim for behavior change and celebrate progress, while not also berating ourselves or giving up when progress goes backward. I don't think we ever fully "stop" doing any behavior, even if it was self-destructive. We end up replacing it with something else. Hopefully that something else is healthy, or at least less harmful, than the compulsion.

Yeaaaa I definitely have that belief thanks to my parents.

Yea it would be nice to replace with something healthy.

 

[PurpleWolf08]

Are you both working and in school?

Trying to decide what to do moving forward with school. I completed one semester of college tho.