Hello, everyone. I've actually been making some pretty positive developments over the past year -- a seriously wonderful and relieving thing, especially since I turned 30 a couple months ago -- and I may talk about them here at some point. I feel like I've finally gotten some of the basic foundations that I'm supposed to get, and I've had some high moments like I had not had in many years.
However, one major barrier remains that I cannot seem to overcome, and it's driven me so mad with frustration, self-doubt, and self-loathing at points that although I’m not actively suicidal anymore I still sometimes feel like laying down and dying in shame. Maybe that is a remnant of an old ingrained habit of scathing inner criticism that I'm just growing out of and can't expect to fully overcome so soon.
The short of it is that it seems like I cannot retain information. Certainly not to the standard I want.
I don't expect to remember every little detail of something I read or heard, or to understand seminal philosophical tomes instantly, but I do want to be able to read or listen through a paragraph of so much as a news article, or an essay on some fact of science or history, and internalize it like a normal person. But I can't really do that. I'll read over something over and over, and still not really receive it despite being able to read it fine. Or I'll get the basic gist of it but not really retain the details and nuance. I feel like at times while I'm reading I'll be able to do this in the moment, and even have something of an epiphany now and then, but I won't really remember it.
What's kind of funny about this is that I've been a pretty good reader and writer from a young age and I even successfully write for a living now (albeit dry technical stuff), but I'm actually a better writer than I am a reader. I've tried to use this to my advantage by writing about what I read about, especially because I generally like to create things and want to be able to put out writings that relate to these things that I’m reading about. This has only slightly helped, and in a way it’s worse because it means that I read and learn things at such a glacial pace because I’m focusing on writing about it. In the end I still can’t remember what it is I read that I wrote about. I’ve tried other things too, like reading aloud and finger-reading, reading slower and faster, but nothing really seems to take.
This sort of thing is very important to me because as part of getting my life in order I've been setting about being much more informed about the realities of the world so that I can better serve it and improve myself. Part of a side effect of my weird mental path and insularity in my teens and 20's is that I was not very in touch with the wider world, partly because I suppose I never felt confident to engage with it competently (largely because I seldom felt confidence to do much of anything at all). The stuff I did learn previously I forgot. As such, I feel at this point like I’m so behind on a lot of things and ignorant about a lot of basic facts, ignorant in a way that if someone found out I would probably be a laughing stock, and for good reason. What makes it scary is that I don’t even know what all of those things are. I did pretty good at school at different points, but that was mainly because I just studied for the nearest test, and otherwise I forgot a lot of what I learned.
I want to be someone who can offer something to people, knows what he’s doing and talking about, feels secure and proud of himself and his own thoughts, and is a responsible proactive world citizen contributing to something beyond just being another person going through the motions of their personal life. In order to do that, I have to be able to absorb, put together, and act on information in a competent way, and I just CAN’T DO IT. Sometimes it feels like it’s a waste of time for me to read a book just because I’ll have put in so much time only to retain so little that it’s about as good as if I hadn’t even read a book at all. It makes me feel like this defective stupid and cheap person, like I’m just someone who’s shut off from the light of the world, can't accomplish basic tasks, and just isn't meant to partake in good things because of my own shortcomings.
I have never been diagnosed with ADHD, though I and my parents believed for years that I had it. When I went to get tested for it in 2016, I got a “high functioning autism” diagnosis instead. I don’t know what it would take to get tested again or possibly get meds for it, or what the cost or side effects of those would be.
Overall I sometimes feel angry, sad, and hopeless about myself. I feel so envious sometimes of people who have things like an eidetic memory or a smooth-going brain. I guess maybe I'm supposed to just learn to be content with being kind of dumb and mediocre, but I don't see how I'm supposed to do that. I just want to be a good person and think of myself with pride and security, and I just can’t when I’m like this. Trying so hard over something so basic over and over and over only to fall on my face repeatedly while seemingly the world glides past me just makes me want to fall asleep and not wake up.
However, one major barrier remains that I cannot seem to overcome, and it's driven me so mad with frustration, self-doubt, and self-loathing at points that although I’m not actively suicidal anymore I still sometimes feel like laying down and dying in shame. Maybe that is a remnant of an old ingrained habit of scathing inner criticism that I'm just growing out of and can't expect to fully overcome so soon.
The short of it is that it seems like I cannot retain information. Certainly not to the standard I want.
I don't expect to remember every little detail of something I read or heard, or to understand seminal philosophical tomes instantly, but I do want to be able to read or listen through a paragraph of so much as a news article, or an essay on some fact of science or history, and internalize it like a normal person. But I can't really do that. I'll read over something over and over, and still not really receive it despite being able to read it fine. Or I'll get the basic gist of it but not really retain the details and nuance. I feel like at times while I'm reading I'll be able to do this in the moment, and even have something of an epiphany now and then, but I won't really remember it.
What's kind of funny about this is that I've been a pretty good reader and writer from a young age and I even successfully write for a living now (albeit dry technical stuff), but I'm actually a better writer than I am a reader. I've tried to use this to my advantage by writing about what I read about, especially because I generally like to create things and want to be able to put out writings that relate to these things that I’m reading about. This has only slightly helped, and in a way it’s worse because it means that I read and learn things at such a glacial pace because I’m focusing on writing about it. In the end I still can’t remember what it is I read that I wrote about. I’ve tried other things too, like reading aloud and finger-reading, reading slower and faster, but nothing really seems to take.
This sort of thing is very important to me because as part of getting my life in order I've been setting about being much more informed about the realities of the world so that I can better serve it and improve myself. Part of a side effect of my weird mental path and insularity in my teens and 20's is that I was not very in touch with the wider world, partly because I suppose I never felt confident to engage with it competently (largely because I seldom felt confidence to do much of anything at all). The stuff I did learn previously I forgot. As such, I feel at this point like I’m so behind on a lot of things and ignorant about a lot of basic facts, ignorant in a way that if someone found out I would probably be a laughing stock, and for good reason. What makes it scary is that I don’t even know what all of those things are. I did pretty good at school at different points, but that was mainly because I just studied for the nearest test, and otherwise I forgot a lot of what I learned.
I want to be someone who can offer something to people, knows what he’s doing and talking about, feels secure and proud of himself and his own thoughts, and is a responsible proactive world citizen contributing to something beyond just being another person going through the motions of their personal life. In order to do that, I have to be able to absorb, put together, and act on information in a competent way, and I just CAN’T DO IT. Sometimes it feels like it’s a waste of time for me to read a book just because I’ll have put in so much time only to retain so little that it’s about as good as if I hadn’t even read a book at all. It makes me feel like this defective stupid and cheap person, like I’m just someone who’s shut off from the light of the world, can't accomplish basic tasks, and just isn't meant to partake in good things because of my own shortcomings.
I have never been diagnosed with ADHD, though I and my parents believed for years that I had it. When I went to get tested for it in 2016, I got a “high functioning autism” diagnosis instead. I don’t know what it would take to get tested again or possibly get meds for it, or what the cost or side effects of those would be.
Overall I sometimes feel angry, sad, and hopeless about myself. I feel so envious sometimes of people who have things like an eidetic memory or a smooth-going brain. I guess maybe I'm supposed to just learn to be content with being kind of dumb and mediocre, but I don't see how I'm supposed to do that. I just want to be a good person and think of myself with pride and security, and I just can’t when I’m like this. Trying so hard over something so basic over and over and over only to fall on my face repeatedly while seemingly the world glides past me just makes me want to fall asleep and not wake up.
