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I feel iv'e been dead inside at least a decade now with no future

Discussion in 'Mid Life and Getting Older' started by agateaqua, Dec 3, 2017.

  1. agateaqua

    agateaqua Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry to just burst into this forum as a newbie ,but I'm feeling very low right now.
    I'm fairly recently 45, my last birthday was absolutely horrible. Wanted nothing to do with getting any older.
    Since at least a decade I feel my life further and further declining and I struggle to see the point in continuing.
    I am unemployed, have no social life (minimally at least), no place of my own , I'm butt ugly , have a list of mental issues to deal with . I just feel my life is behind me and that there's nothing ahead but aging.

    I have been unemployed my whole life basically (Yeah I'm a big fat loser ). Oke mainly due to social anxiety, OCD etc. But it has always made me feel worthless. I did manage to finish college (masters degree), and finished my first app. I chose app development as it's something that I will hopefully be able to do from home due to my social anxiety. Now off course starts the very difficult task of searching for work, and off course OCD has resurfaced. I am trying to get through the OCD and so hopefully I can start my work search, but I feel so ugly, worthless, unworthy of love etc because of my age/lack of looks. To top it off my son lives my ex in sweden (his father is swedish). I haven't seen him in 7 months (missed his 6th birthday ). I just feel so lonely and depressed and fear a live of loneliness ,that can only get worse the older I get . How can it possibly get better? The world is focused on youth and looks. And if you''re old/ugly you may as well be invisible :(

    <Mod Edit:Timeline> Thanks for letting me vent . It hopefully will help a bit.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 3, 2017
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi there, I am only in my late twenties and already feeling how you feel so I don't think you can put it all down to your age. Try and make a healthy balance, if there's something you want to work on, maybe weight or wearing make up or dressing nicely, make sure you are doing it for you and not for others. Sorry to hear about the OCD. The anxiety I can relate to - used to be agoraphobic for many years. Lost all my teenage years due to it. Are you getting any professional help/support for your issues? Welcome to the forum and know you are not alone anymore, we are here but I do agree on one thing it does seem to be all about looks these days and being obese that affects me a lot too. You're not alone.

    @agateaqua
     
  3. AlexiMarie7

    AlexiMarie7 Staff Member Safety & Support

    We welcome and love our newbies bursting into the forums. :)

    You have a son, a masters degree and have finished your first app. All while battling mental issues. I must firmly disagree with your summary of yourself being a loser.

    Please google people who 'made it' later in life: you may be surprised to find that some popular household names only got started so to speak around your age, some later.

    With app, you sort of never know if this or the next one you make can be a real game-changer huh?

    I know it may be hard being away from your son, but it's a good time to focus on your own goals and improving whatever you can about your life and how you feel about yourself until you next see him.

    Good luck with the job search; that's one improvement that it's great that you are looking into.
     
  4. agateaqua

    agateaqua Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the replies Petal & Alexi :)
    Sadly I'm still feeling old and ugly today. Technically I know I look younger, but I want to be younger as well (though definitely not live longer!). Just that I know my nr, my age. It's just a constant reminder of my place in society (the bottom). And it will only get worse each day. How can I possibly ever be oke with that ? I just want to be young , pretty & thin. Nothing I do otherwise matters, not my app , not my personality , interests, etc . Nope just the outside package.