Every compliments rings hollow, every score seem construed for me. I might race well, but during it I get a great sense of...defeatism, like a walls of depression hits me in the middle of something where only adreneline and testosterone dictate. Even when people want to see my ugly face, they like my company, but I feel as if I'm a insult to them. Any milestone which measures success may be surpassed, but I didn't earn. I didn't earn anything. I don't deserve anything good. I should really kill myself already, I'm so busy with school, but what does it matter? I wish nobody loved me, I wish I was abused and defeated. Everyone could see how much of a subhuman I am. It'd be so much easier than having to try and reciprocate.
For anyone's curiosity, I have felt this way for most of my life. And if anyone read this, do you mind explaining too me what I can do to love, and not want to hate everybody and kill myself? How can I? When they denied me the slightest affection or comfort when I needed it. I'm so stubborn and empty of any feeling according to others, but when I weep and sob just once, I'm out of line. Like a man is defective because he doesn't open up, but when I do I'm punished for it, punish with cold distance when I want the warmth of human being. How can I be a living creature and be denied that? I hate them, I hate them so much for that. They wonder why I bottle it up, I'd rather fucking kill myself than speak with a censor, its like I can't really speak my mind. Nobody fucking listens to what I mean to say.
So say how sorry you all are, I'm not sure why you care. I don't, why help someone who won't help themselves? So I'll stay some jadded prick so you hate. And I'll stay a fool and a moron so uou won't take me serously.
For anyone's curiosity, I have felt this way for most of my life. And if anyone read this, do you mind explaining too me what I can do to love, and not want to hate everybody and kill myself? How can I? When they denied me the slightest affection or comfort when I needed it. I'm so stubborn and empty of any feeling according to others, but when I weep and sob just once, I'm out of line. Like a man is defective because he doesn't open up, but when I do I'm punished for it, punish with cold distance when I want the warmth of human being. How can I be a living creature and be denied that? I hate them, I hate them so much for that. They wonder why I bottle it up, I'd rather fucking kill myself than speak with a censor, its like I can't really speak my mind. Nobody fucking listens to what I mean to say.
So say how sorry you all are, I'm not sure why you care. I don't, why help someone who won't help themselves? So I'll stay some jadded prick so you hate. And I'll stay a fool and a moron so uou won't take me serously.
