Empathy Only I feel like I’m going “crazy”.

[LumberJack]

I know that “crazy” is a colloquial term that doesn’t correspond to any specific disorder or group of symptoms. However, I am not sure what to call it. Over the past week or two, I’ve noticed the following difficulties getting worse, and/or I don’t notice at the time, but it is clear to me later.

1. Drifting off topic: this has always been a problem for me. Sometimes when I’m writing or in conversation, I will go off on tangents. I mean from one digression to another until I lose the thread of the original topic. When I read my past check ins, I feel like it was written by someone on a drug binge, because I wander so much. I had gotten better, but now I feel it’s worse than ever.

2, long ass posts: I feel like I go into too much detail, which probably makes everything I write difficult to read. Not many people have the time or energy to read through five paragraphs of text. I feel it’s important at the time, but there is no point if nobody reads it.

3. Noisy, chaotic thoughts. Probably related to the above, but I notice that in my thoughts they are racing more often than not. They either go all over the place, or they are hyper focused and repetitive. Either way, it’s distracting me from the task at hand, so I’m not productive at work or home.

4. Losing things: I have been spending way too much time lately trying to find where I set down anything. I was looking for my headphones case for 40 minutes last night and I hadn’t left the room since I set it down. I can’t find my keys since this morning. I had to grab my spare key fob to drive to a morning appointment. I have looked for a long time and still no luck. I have a spare key for the car, but not the door or mailbox.

So, that is frustrating. I’m spending so much time coping with these issues that I don’t have enough time to finish my adult responsibilities. I’m also wondering if my anger is justified, or am I making up a story in my head that is not true, and then reacting to that.

 

[Aurelia]

Well, if it helps any, I think you organized your post and your main points very well in this thread. You didn't drift off topic here. I think your anxiety is probably bothering you from the sounds of it, and causing those racing thoughts and forgetfulness because you're not really paying as much attention to surroundings.

 

[LumberJack]

I

Well, if it helps any, I think you organized your post and your main points very well in this thread. You didn't drift off topic here. I think your anxiety is probably bothering you from the sounds of it, and causing those racing thoughts and forgetfulness because you're not really paying as much attention to surroundings.

I just moved, so it would make sense if my anxiety spikes up. Also the mobe was physically demanding and I haven’t recovered from the fatigue yet. That probably explains a lot. But I was having the other difficulties before the move. I feel my depression symptoms more strongly than a couple weeks ago, especially loss of appetite, which is really rare for me. Other than that, I’m walking around sighing too often and I generally feel awful, like I can’t stand to be in my body.

 

[Windhover]

Forgive me in advance for chiming in again @LumberJack bc I think part of this is simply that society as a general rule is restrictive and pretty boring, and you are a high functioning and very creative person. I hope it is okay to say that. The result is that one is almost constantly reminded how your mind's workflow is different from the patterns you see in others around you.

I hope you don't censor yourself or get down on how your mind operates. Your posts are always inlightening and interesting and I hope you can feel confident of why that is.

Could you get out for walks in a safe place near where you live? I find it helps a lot.

hugs

 

[Aurelia]

I


I just moved, so it would make sense if my anxiety spikes up. Also the mobe was physically demanding and I haven’t recovered from the fatigue yet. That probably explains a lot. But I was having the other difficulties before the move. I feel my depression symptoms more strongly than a couple weeks ago, especially loss of appetite, which is really rare for me. Other than that, I’m walking around sighing too often and I generally feel awful, like I can’t stand to be in my body.

I know how that is, and yes, moving does seem to explain why you're misplacing things. You're not used to the new place yet. You just have to give it some time. As for the other symptoms, sometimes a change of environment can help, but not if we're still all alone. Going to the hospital helped me a little because there were other people to talk to. But isolation increases all those feelings that you've mentioned, no matter where you're living.

 

[LumberJack]

Forgive me in advance for chiming in again @LumberJack bc I think part of this is simply that society as a general rule is restrictive and pretty boring, and you are a high functioning and very creative person. I hope it is okay to say that. The result is that one is almost constantly reminded how your mind's workflow is different from the patterns you see in others around you.

I hope you don't censor yourself or get down on how your mind operates. Your posts are always inlightening and interesting and I hope you can feel confident of why that is.

Could you get out for walks in a safe place near where you live? I find it helps a lot.

hugs

I don’t mind you chiming in. I started this thread primarily to get feedback, or something that I don’t have a good word for, so I will call it input. Input in this sense means ideas or advice, as well as information about how others perceive me. Let me know if you have a word for that, lol. Anyway that’s what you’ve done, and I’m grateful.

I recognize that my mind operates differently from the majority. In fact, my therapist has called out that I am neurodivergent, which covers more than the autism spectrum. In my case I have ADHD, and a high IQ in analytical intelligence. By contrast I have far below average proprioception, which is the ability to feel where my body is in physical space. Put those together, and I find myself so far up in my head that I often run into things. Oh well.

I have been noticing, though, that my flow of thoughts is more chaotic than usual lately and is becoming more of a detriment than a strength. I know how to use my mind, but lately I’ve been too lazy to work with it. As a result it runs wild. I have been slacking on my self care (exercise, nutrition, sleep, meditation, etc) and I’m feeling it.

Getting out for a walk sounds like a great idea. The new place is right next to a high school, and the front window faces the running track. I don’t know if it’s open to the public or not during non school hours. I lived near a different school before and I was able to use the track there. I was not the only one, but it was frequently unused, meaning it was relatively private. That was many years ago, though. Now that schools have police guards and metal detectors, the rules may be different. It can’t hurt to just check it out.

Thanks so much for your kind input.

 

[LumberJack]

I know how that is, and yes, moving does seem to explain why you're misplacing things. You're not used to the new place yet. You just have to give it some time. As for the other symptoms, sometimes a change of environment can help, but not if we're still all alone. Going to the hospital helped me a little because there were other people to talk to. But isolation increases all those feelings that you've mentioned, no matter where you're living.

I’m glad going to the hospital was helpful for you. In my case, inpatient care was more like subtle psychological torture, and I felt more like a prisoner than a patient based on the way the staff treated me (what staff there was, at least). I would not return to a psych ward if my life literally depended on it. There were other patients to speak with, which was the most therapeutic aspect of the experience. However, there were also hours and hours of unoccupied time where I was missing my music. I went in because of my thoughts being dangerous, and what happened was that I was left alone with only my demons and then expected to get better with no staff attention whatsoever.

Lesson learned, don’t ask for help and never ever be honest with a mandated reporter. I have years of experience presenting well, so dissimulation is second nature. Sorry about the rant. My anger over this is dominating my intrusive thoughts lately. As in, I should kill myself and leave a note blaming the hospital. I think this would be a terrible idea, though. I feel like it would be a “look what you made me do” move, which is passive aggressive and not like the person I want to be.

However, that’s not really your point if I understand the above. I feel that your point was more about addressing social isolation. I’m not terribly isolated, as I have roommates and I go to substance abuse recovery meetings. I wish there was peer support for mental illness, because it is helpful to be around others who understand.

I have searched online for something like this, but no luck so far. Maybe it will come up in the future. Another poster here on SF suggested that I could start my own group. Good idea, but I’m not able to take care of myself, let alone run a group. I don’t know, need to ponder that for a while. Safety is a big concern for me, based on my experience with AA. I could go into more detail if you want. Thanks for giving me some food for thought.

 

[Aurelia]

I’m glad going to the hospital was helpful for you. In my case, inpatient care was more like subtle psychological torture, and I felt more like a prisoner than a patient based on the way the staff treated me (what staff there was, at least). I would not return to a psych ward if my life literally depended on it. There were other patients to speak with, which was the most therapeutic aspect of the experience. However, there were also hours and hours of unoccupied time where I was missing my music. I went in because of my thoughts being dangerous, and what happened was that I was left alone with only my demons and then expected to get better with no staff attention whatsoever.

Lesson learned, don’t ask for help and never ever be honest with a mandated reporter. I have years of experience presenting well, so dissimulation is second nature. Sorry about the rant. My anger over this is dominating my intrusive thoughts lately. As in, I should kill myself and leave a note blaming the hospital. I think this would be a terrible idea, though. I feel like it would be a “look what you made me do” move, which is passive aggressive and not like the person I want to be.

However, that’s not really your point if I understand the above. I feel that your point was more about addressing social isolation. I’m not terribly isolated, as I have roommates and I go to substance abuse recovery meetings. I wish there was peer support for mental illness, because it is helpful to be around others who understand.

I have searched online for something like this, but no luck so far. Maybe it will come up in the future. Another poster here on SF suggested that I could start my own group. Good idea, but I’m not able to take care of myself, let alone run a group. I don’t know, need to ponder that for a while. Safety is a big concern for me, based on my experience with AA. I could go into more detail if you want. Thanks for giving me some food for thought.

I completely agree with you about the hospital. That's what happened to me also. The only therapeutic part was being able to speak to other patients, and I also didn't get any staff attention really. I talked to the doctor for about 2 minutes daily and each time all he asked was how my meds were, to which I always responded that they worked fine, and that was that. I'm not sure I agree that you shouldn't go back if your life depended on it, though. If you think you're definitely going to hurt yourself, you should probably go back. It may not help much, but it'll keep you from doing something you'll regret at least. But I'm glad you're not isolated. I thought maybe you lived alone, but it's good that you have roommates and you go to meetings and get some human interaction. That's important.

 

[mosaic hearts]

I completely agree with you about the hospital. That's what happened to me also. The only therapeutic part was being able to speak to other patients, and I also didn't get any staff attention really. I talked to the doctor for about 2 minutes daily and each time all he asked was how my meds were, to which I always responded that they worked fine, and that was that. I'm not sure I agree that you shouldn't go back if your life depended on it, though. If you think you're definitely going to hurt yourself, you should probably go back. It may not help much, but it'll keep you from doing something you'll regret at least. But I'm glad you're not isolated. I thought maybe you lived alone, but it's good that you have roommates and you go to meetings and get some human interaction. That's important.

I've had similar experiences with being hospitalized. No treatment is done except for the giving of medication(s) & keeping you safe until the danger has passed.

 

[LumberJack]

I've had similar experiences with being hospitalized. No treatment is done except for the giving of medication(s) & keeping you safe until the danger has passed.

I just wish I was safe from the staff. Psych ward must be where hospitals send the staff that don’t do their jobs but can’t be fired. None of the nurses or orderlies wanted to be there, and they took out their frustrations by going on power trips against patients.

For example, the boundaries of what was acceptable and what was forbidden totally depends on the orderly on staff. What was fine one day, was forbidden the next and there was no rhyme or reason that could be used to know where the boundaries were. Even though they didn’t tell us what was expected, if a patient stepped out of line, they would be banned from going to what groups there were for an entire day. It is so the opposite of help that I would have rather dealt with my thoughts at home where at least I would have my music and other comforts.

 

[AmberMarie]

All i have right now is loads of empathy for you and what you are going through. And a hug if you would like it. Plz know i am listening.