I feel like I'm living on borrowed time

[DoodlingStars]

I feel like my time is up.

I can't rely on anyone. I've always known that. I've always known that in the end I'll only have myself, and that's just how I'll live.

I'm going to school today to take a leave of absence--barring that, if they absolutely forbid it because my condition isn't serious enough or whatever (lol, like promising myself to attempt yesterday if I didn't withdraw from school by the time the dean's office closed isn't enough) then I'll withdraw.

I know without question that if I stay as a student my time is up, sooner rather than later.

Yesterday, my friend convinced me, with only compassion and no judgement, to take a leave of absence instead of withdrawing completely, and took me around town and we had fun. Well, as much fun as I can have knowing the joys of the world are still available to many and knowing my imminent death is looming overhead.

I'll work fulltime without completing my degree and still having to pay off tuition fee loans at the place where I'm working part-time, start selling off all my belongings that aren't essential for me when I move, and then I'll rent a room somewhere and live on my own. I don't have any long-term plans after that. All I ever wanted to be since I was a kid was to be a writer, but I can't even write properly now that my concentration is shot. It's like I turned into someone even stupider (I didn't think it was possible for me, I'm so stupid already) with my depression. I don't have a purpose in life; I don't want anything anymore.

I feel like I'll kill myself eventually, even after I move out...I don't know how to live day by day when I think about death at every corner and knowing there's no reason for me to be alive at all. I can't stay alive for people, I only live and die by myself since that's all I'll ultimately have--and I don't want myself at all. Once I leave this house and move out, I'll never be able to return. I will never come back, even if I have to kill myself if the other option is crawling back. I never really formed much attachment to my family members at all. Might have screwed me up as a kid, I'm afraid of being attached to anything that's alive--in the end they will either leave or die. I can't take another loss.

Eventually.

 

[Luoma]

Hey DoodlingStars, it's Luoma here. You are such an amazing, sweet person. I am so, so sorry your mind is telling you things. The past few weeks I have been rather unstable, so I haven't been able to talk to you much, but I really do want to get to know you better.

I think it would do you a world of good to get away from the student life. Would it be possible for you to take a one year break and instead work to get a bit more money? That way you don't have to do things every single day and can instead work on being a bit more healthy.

Look, I know what it's like. I've been there. I'm there right now. I lost the people closest to me and I say to myself "Luoma, you're going to be alone forever. You're gonna die forever." But sometimes people like us need to take a step back and remember that logically, there will be someone for us. If we live our lives hiding from making connections it just turns us into hermits and we reduce our chances of meeting someone we will like. It's so, so hard to open up your heart and let someone in. We are terrified that it will just end up crashing and burning and we will get hurt in the process. And I'm not gonna surgarcoat things, darling. Sometimes it does go wrong. but in the end we have to remind ourselves that if people leave our lives, they weren't supposed to be in our lives in the first place.

and, one day, there's going to be a few very special people who will enter your life. And they will be with you through thick and thin and remind you what it's like to be truly happy. You will not die alone, I promise. Just keep your heart open. We're here for you. I'm so proud of you.

 

[ghosTea]

Luoma put it so well. I would also like to say that it is never to late to be a writer. You may have lost your drive but it will come back to you. All these life experiences both bad and good will only give you more experience more to write about. Your depression does not dumb you down it just makes you feel that way. Don't be hard on yourself for not writing right now it will come back to you and I know you will have a great story of inspiration when you find yourself in a better place. Be strong doodling we are always here to listen.

 

[DoodlingStars]

Thank you both for your kind responses ((hug))

I'm not sure if a one year break is viable, because for me the most important thing in life is not to get a degree, but to get away from my family. That's why I just want to withdraw so bad. On the other hand I'm aware that all that student debt with nothing to show for it is really not worth it, but at this point I just want to kill myself every time I think about it. I'd rather be not-suicidal with a shitty job and living away from everyone else than continue staying at home, at a uni I hate...I went to school to ask about the leave of absence today, but I forgot to ask about some details so I'll have to go back again tomorrow to confirm them.

It's not that I will close myself off from making friends and the like--it's just that I'm aware that in the end I only have myself to be with; people make mistakes and I don't want to be let down even by an inadvertent action or error due to human nature. I've been disappointed all my life and I understand now that no matter who I'm friends with or any sort of relationship with, I must turn to myself first. I live in a culture where it's normal to rely on your parents growing up and until you marry and then move out, but they always sheltered me as a kid and I never got to go anywhere or do anything. We never even did family time stuff. Last time I remember eating at the table together I was probably 5. I grew up reading fantasy books and never really looking at reality or anything like that and now I'm facing it hard because I'm prepared to move out asap and just leave. Leave leave leave, it's all I can think about now

But thanks for listening to my rant, I love you guys so much ((sneakhug))

 

[SuZQ]

I am so sorry that you are feeling like you are. You are dealing with so many things right now that can be overwhelming- withdrawing from school, living at home, feeling unloved and without a purpose. Yet, you are taking steps to take care of you! That is so important! I am so proud and thankful that you are!

When I have gone through “dark” times, reaching out to “real” friends, my church, and counselors brought me though. Have you considered seeking help through a church or professional counseling? They might really help.

I want to encourage you to keep taking care of yourself. You are amazing and you are made for a purpose! Praying for you.

 

[Artistakitt]

I am a former art student and I have not filled a sketchbook in months, so I know how you feel. When I go back to school I want to go for nursing for stable career, and pursue art on the side.

I've also had so many negative experiences that I'm a borderline misanthrope. And every time I end up meeting someone I think will help me, they eventually show their true colors. I lose hope every time.

It doesn't hurt to take a break from school, but just know that schools are not always understanding of students who leave bc of a mental illness. I found that out when I lost my hope scholarship that way.

 

[Walker]

When I go back to school I want to go for nursing for stable career

Can't go wrong with that. There's always a shortage and if you're made for that kind of work you'll always have a job.