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Ideas & Opinions I feel like sometimes I'm not in control of me

Cathy

Well-Known Member
#1
Hi,
I'll try to keep this as short as possible, but once I start ranting....
So basically lately I feel actually quite scared of myself because I feel like I have no control over my feelings, moods and the way I act.
Last week I had a really tough weekend. All my suicidal thoughts were back, even self harm, which I had not done in ages and when I'm there, that's all that exists for me. I don't believe things will ever get better, and even though some part of me knows that another episode is coming soon, I can't seem to be able to reach that feeling. And surely enough, a few days later, it's as if a switch got turned, and all those feelings are gone and I'm super hyperactive, super happy, laughing all the time in this childlike manner, dancing around and I don't have a care in the world. But again, I'm not in control. I feel like a mother looking down on her all-over-the-place child, even getting annoyed at times, but I can't control that behavior. I can't stop jumping and singing and laughing. I have NO control over it and it doesn't feel at all like me. Than a few days later all that is gone again and I seem to be on autopilot without any feelings. Just doing stuff that needs to be done taking care of myself, but it all goes by in some sort of haze. As I said, where the feelings are SO overwhelming in those other two moods and I have no rational hair on me, there's no feelings in this mood at all. Than I do get scared feelings because I feel like I don't have any control over these 'switches' I don't know when they'll come and I'm afraid of losing myself again. I get a bit more dissociative as well. It's very hard for me to focus on something, my consciensness just keeps slipping away and I can't keep a hold on myself and I'm waiting when and in what mood I'll slip next.
Sometimes it also scares me that from one day to the next my opinions about all sort of big stuff can switch. For example today I definitly want to have kids some day, but tomorrow I don't know what I was thinking and I definitly will never want kids. The same happens with music choices, clothing, weari g or not wearing makeup. And because of all this I'm also very scared to make choices because what I'm certain of today, may be completely opposite tomorrow.

I guess I'm wondering if there's people out there with similar experiences. I have got a diagnosis autism, but I just don't feel that that covers it somehow. Are there any more of you that feel like sometimes someone else is in control and you can look, but can't do anything? How do you make choices? Just wondering and looking forward to hearing from you!
 
#2
Sorry that you're going through this Cathy
I have got a diagnosis autism, but I just don't feel that that covers it somehow
It sounds like you've got some form of rapid-cycling mood disorder, but I'm not sure what it might be.

Have you ever told a doctor, therapist, or psychiatrist about this?
 

Cathy

Well-Known Member
#3
Sorry that you're going through this Cathy

It sounds like you've got some form of rapid-cycling mood disorder, but I'm not sure what it might be.

Have you ever told a doctor, therapist, or psychiatrist about this?
Thanks for the reply! :-D

Yeah, but it's weird. They say I'm on the brink of hypomania, but not quite because I don't really do anything I regret later like spending all my money or anything sexual or something.
I have tried to explain it to my psychiatrist. But I can never really seem to be able to cover exactly how I feel or how I get in certain moods, so it's hard. They have seen me in different moods and I feel like they're also still searching and second guessing what's going on. I've already had a lot of diagnoses so it's really getting on my nerves.
 

Walker

Admin
SF Social Media
SF Author
SF Supporter
#5
That definitely sounds like a bipolar situation of some kind to me as well. Perhaps it could be discussed again. I wish you the best of luck trying to get it nailed down.
 

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