Hi all,
I'm in my second-to-last week of basic military training, and today we were all meant to get our heads shaved for the final time. There were three head shaves in total - once at the start, once at the halfway mark and once at the end. Short haircuts have always terrified and depressed me, to the point of feeling suicial. It felt awful shaving my head for the first time, and I couldn't go through with it the second time, I made a special request to keep my hair and thankfully it was granted. The third head shave is probably the most important of them all because we have a graduation parade next week. I couldn't bear to shave my head again and my platoon commanders advised me to get a memo from my psychiatrist about it, which I did. At this point, I'm the only one in the entire company without a buzzcut and it has attracted quite a bit of attention. My commanders have had to explain my condition to others, including the officer in charge of the parade, and I feel so embarrassed about the whole ordeal. I've caused a lot of trouble for so many people and I feel especially bad for making my commanders go through the additional trouble considering that they are just conscripts too. I don't know anyone else in the entire world who gets so hung up about their hair and I feel like an utter loser and freak. Our Sergeant-Major gets the final say about whether or not I can keep my hair and I'm so scared that he'll say that I can't.
I wish I could just drop dead so that I wouldn't have to burden anyone anymore, including myself. I hate being such a freak. I hate being unable to enjoy anything anymore. I can barely even eat anymore. I feel so, so lonely and every day I'm stuck in the military, as kind & wonderful as my platoonmates and commanders have been, makes me feel trapped. I feel like my own mind and body are a prison. Day in and day out, it's just a bad dream and I want it to stop
I'm in my second-to-last week of basic military training, and today we were all meant to get our heads shaved for the final time. There were three head shaves in total - once at the start, once at the halfway mark and once at the end. Short haircuts have always terrified and depressed me, to the point of feeling suicial. It felt awful shaving my head for the first time, and I couldn't go through with it the second time, I made a special request to keep my hair and thankfully it was granted. The third head shave is probably the most important of them all because we have a graduation parade next week. I couldn't bear to shave my head again and my platoon commanders advised me to get a memo from my psychiatrist about it, which I did. At this point, I'm the only one in the entire company without a buzzcut and it has attracted quite a bit of attention. My commanders have had to explain my condition to others, including the officer in charge of the parade, and I feel so embarrassed about the whole ordeal. I've caused a lot of trouble for so many people and I feel especially bad for making my commanders go through the additional trouble considering that they are just conscripts too. I don't know anyone else in the entire world who gets so hung up about their hair and I feel like an utter loser and freak. Our Sergeant-Major gets the final say about whether or not I can keep my hair and I'm so scared that he'll say that I can't.
I wish I could just drop dead so that I wouldn't have to burden anyone anymore, including myself. I hate being such a freak. I hate being unable to enjoy anything anymore. I can barely even eat anymore. I feel so, so lonely and every day I'm stuck in the military, as kind & wonderful as my platoonmates and commanders have been, makes me feel trapped. I feel like my own mind and body are a prison. Day in and day out, it's just a bad dream and I want it to stop
