I recently enlisted for mandatory military service and I haven't been having the best time. My platoonmates have been very kind to me, which is such a huge relief, but I'm struggling with a couple of aspects of the military regimen, especially having to shave my head and take out my piercings. I miss my long hair and earrings so much - they were some of the very, very few things that I've ever liked about myself. I feel crushed every time I see myself in the mirror. A week ago, I was playing with the FaceApp gender swap filter and I got a really good result - my favourite out of all the times I've tried it. I can't help but look at it so many times throughout the day because it makes me feel good about myself but at the same time, I feel depressed that I don't look like that and I have such a long way to go before I can. Beyond hormone replacement therapy, I'm definitely going to need a ton of laser hair removal and electrolysis, as well as some facial feminisation surgeries. Even some minor cosmetic stuff like eyebrow threading (mine are quite thick and threading hurts) and growing out my hair (it would take a year from the current shaved head to grow back to the length I had it before, and another year from then on to get to a length I'd be really happy with) feel so daunting. And I know that if I do pursue a gender transition, I'm going have to deal with so much judgement, shock and disgust from those around me, I'm not sure if they would ever understand. Coming out itself feels so terrifying, I can't imagine opening up about something this personal to my family, or even my best friend. Every time I see a psychiatrist and they mention my gender dysphoria (I declared it once when I was in a very bad state, and it's in my system notes now), I feel like curling up into a ball and disappearing. I feel so embarrassed, ashamed and vulnerable that they know my biggest secret, and I'm worried that somehow, it's going to slip out and someone I interact with in a daily capacity (like family members, friends or even my military commanders) find out. I'm so terrified that I'll never be happy or like the person that I am, that I'll never be able to enjoy life and that it will always be like this because it's been like this for so long.
Life feels like such a prison. Every night before I go to bed, I wish that I die a painless death in my sleep. Every time I wake up, I feel miserable that I'm still around
Life feels like such a prison. Every night before I go to bed, I wish that I die a painless death in my sleep. Every time I wake up, I feel miserable that I'm still around
