I found out something

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by LostInMyDaydreams, Jan 25, 2016.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. LostInMyDaydreams

    LostInMyDaydreams Well-Known Member

    I have BPD and I always thought I was bipolar but it never was. If people ignore me or won't talk to me, I hate them almost immediately and feel as if they can't be trusted any longer. Than once they talk to me I no longer hate them anymore. However when people won't get back to me I cry and feel like I should just kill myself. I'm always constantly thinking people hate me or that people don't care about me.... and that I should just die. It gets very intense. Sometimes I cry so much that I have to lay in bed all day long cause I'm completely worn out by my emotions. At this point it's almost impossible for me to work cause it's really bad for me right now. I haven't told that many people and I don't want to tell a lot of people cause I don't wanna scare people away. When I'm in relationships I'm very clingy and tell them the most personal things about myself right off the bat. This needs to stop!! I need to stop opening up to people right off the bat. I've been in two abusive relationships cause of this. Right now I'm taking a break from having a relationship but I don't care if men tell me that they have a crush on me. I rather people like me at this point until I get a little bit better. Told them that they can like me and I'm flattered but I can't have a relationship at this point.

    I'm really into Art. Today I'm going to get my pastels out, I wish I had paint but I don't. I know one color should be black and the other to be white cause of black/white thinking but I don't think the white will show up. What other color should I use?

    Another thing I suffer with is PTSD and Low Self Esteem. :(
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 25, 2016
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hope you can get into therapy to help you with all what you are feeling and guide you to a better place of stability hugs to you
     
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi sweetie, I also have BPD and emotions are raging, I cannot take criticism or any kinds of negative thoughts towards me, I feel really bad if I do. I just want you know we are like one big family here and we care and understand what you are going through, Have you been offered any kind of therapy that would be beneficial for your BPD? When were you diagnosed with it and how long have you been struggling with this alone?
     
    Nithin Adarsh likes this.
  4. LostInMyDaydreams

    LostInMyDaydreams Well-Known Member

    I talked it over with my doctor but he's not too helpful about it. He just calls it a Mood Disorder, it's like he's afraid to come out and say it. I don't get why he does this, I can't deal when a person is trying to sugar coat something with me. Just simply say it out loud. Everyone is being so gentle and careful with they're words and some people keep treating me as if I constantly need to be babied which makes my anger worse. One one of my friends keeps saying repeatedly, "Take care of yourself, okay?" I know people are trying to help but I stupidly opened up and I regret it now. Now I don't want to tell anyone else cause of the type of treatment I'm getting. I first realized this when I was 28 years old I believe. That's when I realized something was wrong, cause my ex boyfriend wasn't paying attention to me on the phone and I screamed at him over the phone and said, "I'll just kill myself." He was ignoring me, he was very verbally, emotionally and mentally abusive towards me and I think this is when BPD started coming in cause he was the 2nd person to abuse me in my life. That's when I completely fell apart and noticed my moods, my spending sprees, abusing drugs, I cut myself only once but I won't do it anymore. However anytime I feel abandoned or alone I think of wanting to end my life but I never go through it with ever. Than when people are mean to me or say anything harsh about me, I can't deal with it. I'm super sensitive when people say mean things about me. I can't take any criticism at all. I completely flip out, get angry or start crying and hating myself. Another thing I noticed is a lot of my anger is directed at my mother, I'm constantly always angry with her.....but with my friends I don't feel as angry towards them. The only time I feel angry is when I feel abandoned or get paranoid thinking that they hate me or it takes forever for them to get back to me on Facebook. Than other times I'm completely fine, it flip flops a lot of the time. My friends only notice is when they respond to me and I tell them that I think they hate me and they tell me to relax, that they care about me and love me. Than I feel better after they comfort me. This is so emotional draining for me, I hate it. :(
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 25, 2016
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.