I feel that the pettiness of people around me misses out on the big things and then I feel like things don't matter at all. I see posts or angry people and then I think that I shouldn't care because nothing matters. I feel like nothing I do will ever matter. I bet there were incredibly famous artists in Pompeii whose work and fame was incredible and in seconds it was wiped out and you know what, we don't know their names, we don't know what they thought, if they were good or bad, what relationships they had with their sisters or brothers or cousins or friends. None of it mattered at all and it was not just one of them, it was all at once and today we know there were 11000 people wiped out in seconds and even though that thriving town existed, did anything that a specific person did matter now? Can we honestly say "I'm so glad that Gaias from 79 ad had such nice things to say about his grandmother" or "little cleo did so well at her school choir performance". We can roll through billions of people who if they had committed suicide would not have had any impact at all as a ripple 100, 200, 500 years later. I don't want to think about any rationalization. I don't want to think about "just one thing I could do better to improve my relationships." I want someone to prove to.me that any of these tiny things we have to try and force ourselves to be happy about will matter at all in 100, 200 or 500 years especially if we want nothing to do with other people, we don't want to be productive and we don't want to be part of society at all. This is why I want to die. There is a future and truthfully it doesn't matter at all in the scope of now or 1000 or 10000000 years from now.
my brain spirals into this and it makes me want to die because everything feels futile. Friends are angry about politics, families are angry about money, we all have too much stuff, tok much to do and not enough time and then I think "none of it matters". Joy doesn't matter, pain doesn't matter, it's all just a void. You can say that things matter like friends and family but will they matter in 1000 years and why exist as an organic pain collector in the meantime.
my brain spirals into this and it makes me want to die because everything feels futile. Friends are angry about politics, families are angry about money, we all have too much stuff, tok much to do and not enough time and then I think "none of it matters". Joy doesn't matter, pain doesn't matter, it's all just a void. You can say that things matter like friends and family but will they matter in 1000 years and why exist as an organic pain collector in the meantime.