I had to think about where I should post this.

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by asthecrowflies, Jun 11, 2014.

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  1. I'm sort of new here. When I left, what must be coming up to five years ago, I was sure I'd never be back.

    But this place was good to me, for the most part, and I'm hoping that it can be again.

    What it all boils down to is that some of the time, increasingly these days, I want to not exist. I don't want to die, I'm not suicidal, I don't self-harm... but sometimes I would like to simply not exist.

    I am 25 years old. I hold two university degrees and have been unable to keep a job for longer than four months since leaving university three years ago. Almost four years. This isn't because of anything I have done. I was made redundant from my first job and the second was only temporary. However, I have a grand total of >1yr of experience on my CV to show off to potential employers. That's a small problem, though.

    I have unmedicated depression and social/general anxiety that can range in severity from me getting fidgety in social situations to being entirely unable to leave the house. I am a self-sabotager. I will make excuses for myself to not do things, even when I know they will help me. I will lie so that other people don't press me about them. I don't feel good about it, but it's my way of protecting myself. I understand that ultimately I am only doing myself harm. I know what the solutions to my problems are, but I lack the conviction to put them into practice.

    A lot of the time I feel like I'm just existing. I stay up until ungodly hours and sleep into the afternoon because I have nothing else to do with my time. Yet, I hate the necessity of sleeping. I hate the lack of control.

    I know that I need help. I also know that I will never seek it in any professional capacity as my anxiety prevents me from making a doctor's appointment, and if I managed that... I probably wouldn't go anyway.

    I'm feeling increasingly trapped in my own head. It isn't a place I enjoy being.
  2. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter


    Life is tough especially when you cannot get a job. Getting a job is hard and acceptance of that is harder even though you worked hard in getting your degrees. You are young and do not give up hope. In the current climate, it hard for graduates to get the job. I suggest that you go and do some volunteer work which will look good on a CV.

    You need to occupy your mind or stimulate it with activities you like doing. Do not sit alone in the house as that is no good for you. From your post you are very much a rational person who just seeks advice. It might worth speaking to a counsellor to get through this difficult time rather than medication. You are not the only person who suffers alone and please do not feel you are alone. Please take care, keep posting as folks here will support in your time of need.
  3. mandy

    mandy Well-Known Member

    Some very good advice ^ . I would say the most important thing right now, is to get out and do stuff. My depression is at absolute worst during the summer when I am not in school. So sitting around the house doing nothing all day is probably exacerbating it worse than anything else. Volunteering would help with the resume thing, and also get you out of the house, so win win. At some point you may need to face your fear of going to see a professional. If you get on medication recommended by a doctor, it will help with everything else. It is a catch-22 because you are too anxious to go and get the help or meds, yet those are the very things that would allow you to be less anxious and ask for things. So you may just have to suffer through the initial pain in order to get the help you need. I know it's absolutely terrifying and i had about 4 panic attacks before my first therapist appointment , but it will help you already know that. Like incrisis99 said you seem very rational. I wish you the best :)
  4. Rat

    Rat Banned Member

    Try to focus on sth that drives you. If u chase small goals u will feel small.
  5. Sitting alone isn't an issue. I might be alone, yes, but I rarely feel lonely. Spending lengths of time around people is very draining for me in the times I can manage it at all and most of the activities I enjoy are solitary ones.

    I have considered a counsellor but I am very bad at putting my feelings into words when speaking aloud and uncomfortable conversing with strangers (in person) about topics that are sensitive to me - thus why I refused group therapy long ago when I was first diagnosed by my GP. I dislike getting emotional in public, even if that 'public' is someone who is trained to be in that position. I also, unfortunately, can in no way afford a private counsellor as I'm unemployed. The NHS has a very lengthy waiting list and then only offers ten free sessions, while private counsellors usually come in at around £50/hr.

    There's also very little by way of volunteer opportunities where I live. I don't drive and public transport isn't cheap. While it's a good thought, it's just not feasible.

    As stated above, volunteering isn't really something I can do where I am at the moment. Places that I would like to volunteer at aren't currently taking volunteers (though I do keep checking) and those places that are, are places I have no desire to work.

    The last time I faced my fears over seeing my doctor about this problem, I was refused medication and instead recommended to attend group therapy sessions. This was a few years ago, so maybe it was because I was younger and my doctor was hesitant to simply toss me some pills to fix it, but I'm reluctant to make a second attempt. It takes a great deal of mental energy for me to do things like that and having it wasted is exhausting. I know that I probably sound a little like I'm just whining here, being self-defeating if you will, but high levels of introversion along with anxiety make these kinds of scenarios incredibly difficult for me to deal with on a normal day.

    To this, I have to disagree. Sometimes small goals can mean the difference between feeling bad about myself for a day and feeling like I actually achieved something, however small it was. I don't have big dreams and hopes for what I want out of life. I simply want to be comfortable and content. I'm not ambitious, I don't feel any particular drive to be the best at something or to reach the top of a career ladder.

    All I want is a chance and to be happy. However, the 'chance' isn't something that I can control. I don't think that's too much to ask.
  6. JV3

    JV3 Well-Known Member

    While maybe not always the best circumstances, this really is a great place to go when you need it. It was good to me when I needed somewhere, too.

    I understand how frustrating having a degree and not getting I job can be. After 5 years of college I had gotten enough credit for a double major and double minor, but owed a debt to the university so they held my degree. I had such a hard time finding work. A lot of places said I was "overqualified" - which is such a dumb concept, in my opinion. The only place that would hire me was Dollar General. I made minimum wage there which was only enough to cover my monthly expenses. It took me a long time to get out of the hole. I kept trying to get other, better jobs, but none of them materialized.

    I hope you have some better luck soon on the job hunt. If you don't mind me asking, what are your degrees in?
  7. "Overqualified and underexperienced" is my current Catch-22. I think a lot of people can understand the frustration of it in the current climate.

    I don't mind you asking at all :) I have a BA Joint Honours degree in English literature and Creative Writing, and a Masters degree in Innovative Fiction.
  8. JV3

    JV3 Well-Known Member

    That's what I'm talking about! I majored in English and Secondary Education with a minor in History and Creative Writing!

    I think it's about time us creative writing people formed a union or something! Haha
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