I'm sort of new here. When I left, what must be coming up to five years ago, I was sure I'd never be back. But this place was good to me, for the most part, and I'm hoping that it can be again. What it all boils down to is that some of the time, increasingly these days, I want to not exist. I don't want to die, I'm not suicidal, I don't self-harm... but sometimes I would like to simply not exist. I am 25 years old. I hold two university degrees and have been unable to keep a job for longer than four months since leaving university three years ago. Almost four years. This isn't because of anything I have done. I was made redundant from my first job and the second was only temporary. However, I have a grand total of >1yr of experience on my CV to show off to potential employers. That's a small problem, though. I have unmedicated depression and social/general anxiety that can range in severity from me getting fidgety in social situations to being entirely unable to leave the house. I am a self-sabotager. I will make excuses for myself to not do things, even when I know they will help me. I will lie so that other people don't press me about them. I don't feel good about it, but it's my way of protecting myself. I understand that ultimately I am only doing myself harm. I know what the solutions to my problems are, but I lack the conviction to put them into practice. A lot of the time I feel like I'm just existing. I stay up until ungodly hours and sleep into the afternoon because I have nothing else to do with my time. Yet, I hate the necessity of sleeping. I hate the lack of control. I know that I need help. I also know that I will never seek it in any professional capacity as my anxiety prevents me from making a doctor's appointment, and if I managed that... I probably wouldn't go anyway. I'm feeling increasingly trapped in my own head. It isn't a place I enjoy being.