I hate my bf so much

[TheDevilsRival]

I can’t believe I’m in a situation where I left my country for him. However, the biggest reason is that I took the opportunity to run away from my home because my family was abusive. I have 3 big brothers that were fighting and abusing each other, especially the oldest one, he used to break objects, explode in rage, beat others and emotionally abusive my mom and dad. Anyways he flew away to Germany to build his own life, but unfortunately after few years he came back and my parents are old and one of my brother is still at home. Maybe I’ll talk about it more about my family…

When I came to live with my bf I felt I just betrayed myself. Sometimes I’m splitting and I blame him that he abused my mental fragility for me to come here.(I really believe he did and he tells me no he warned me) He told me I was brave to travel by myself and change my life but for me it was only fear. Fear to stay in a cycle of trauma in my family.

Fear will make you jump to anything that looks like an exit door from your pain but it’s so dangerous. I feel trapped but at the same time my life got better.

I feel triggered by him all the time, he pisses me off and I hate when I have to ask him to go out or to remind him to do simple things like take out the trash. I genuinely hate to live with a man or with anybody. And I wish I could live by myself but unfortunately I don’t think I can. Our relationship in the beginning was like a fairytale but then I realized he got comfortable and we almost never go out. But with his friends it’s fine… I also lost confidence in myself because of him because he makes me doubt myself, my thoughts, my decisions. When I feel I’m having a crisis he tells me what to do, and like when I tell him no he’s like “nobody listens to me” and it’s like he always denies this part of me that hates him and wants to leave him. He doesn’t take this side of me seriously.

and I think it’s because when I come back to stable state of mind I feel I don’t hate him anymore but I also don’t think I love him tbh

I have bpd symptoms so i genuinely hate him sometimes and I asked myself wtf am I doing with this man? Like sometimes when he approaches me and I split I just feel so so disgusted and I push him away. And every-time I split it’s like I wake up from a dream that I had with him it’s like i realize again how much I hate him and this relationship and that I want to leave.

I think I’m still with him because I don’t want to be alone. I have nobody. And I would have more suicidal thoughts if he wasn’t there. Anyways I feel so confused but I think i expressed what I wanted. Goodnight people

 

[bulldoggy1356]

Hey, this is heartbreaking to read. I agree you might have BPD. I am struggling with BPD in my relationship too. When you experience trauma for so long and then finally feel love, you place a lot of expectations on your partner to be the thing you’ve longed for the most. And when they don’t fulfill that longing, it’s like your heart is being ripped up. And you hate them with so much fury because it’s like they’re throwing you back into that familiar world of pain and suffering. But it might be the case that you’re losing the reality of the situation. For me, my partner is objectively a wonderful person. But my trauma and fear of abandonment convince me that he’s secretly wanting to leave me or hurt me. Those thoughts are lies and they are killing my first experience of unconditional love. I don’t know if that’s what could be happening to you. But I hope things change and you’re able to secure happiness.